Yahoo Lifestyle The fight before Christmas
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Christmas: it’s a time when smiling families sit around tables abundant with Bill Granger-inspired dishes and exchange perfectly-chosen, immaculately-wrapped gifts.
If you live in a David Jones catalogue. In this place called Reality, the silly season notoriously puts stress on couples. “Our lives become even more stressful as we try to juggle our usual responsibilities with extra preparation and complicated family dynamics,” says psychiatrist Dr Alan Manevitz.
“Overly high expectations – be it around the food, the gifts, relationships – can trigger anxiety,” adds Dr Mallay Occhiogrosso, from the Payne Whitney Women’s Program, US.
So it’s no surprise that December’s the peak time for break-ups, according to an analysis of Facebook status updates. Here’s how to guard your relationship against common Christmas crises, so you don’t need to wrap it up.
The fight: You’re left doing everything in the lead-up
THE FIX You’ve spent the 12 days of Christmas shopping, decorating, wrapping, planning, cooking. He’s spent that time nursing a few hangovers and scanning gift ideas – for himself – in the Bunnings catalogue. But keep in mind that, while you’re doing what you think is important, he’s doing what he thinks is important. And if you’re doing too much, it’s because you set your bar too high.
“[Christmas doesn’t] have to be perfect to be joyous. So slow down and prioritise. You can’t attend every party, buy every gift, cook every meal and visit every relative,” says clinical psychologist Dr Joshua Klapow. “Write on a piece of paper everything you plan to do, then read the list out loud. Is it a reasonable list? If your answer is no, then start crossing things off.”
If you’re annoyed he doesn’t get excited by the prospect of decorating a gingerbread house, perhaps consider that he might have good reason for his Grinchiness: “In most cases, Grinch-like behaviour is triggered by negative associations from Christmases in the past,” says WH relationships expert Dr Traci Coventry. “Find out what it is about this holiday that he doesn’t like and why, and discuss what might make a perfect Christmas for him. Then, devise a plan that incorporates elements you’ll both enjoy. As with any relationship issue, compromise and communication are your best bets for a happy Christmas.”
The fight Deciding where to spend December 25
THE FIX Christmas is about tradition, so if you traditionally spend it with your kin, you might resent your partner if you end up spending it with his. But keep in mind that, as families change and grow, traditions change too, says mental health counsellor Dr Christine Moll: “Hold on to those you can and want to, but understand, in some cases, that may no longer be possible.”
“You need to focus on what is new and special,” says Klapow. “Celebrate [with the other family] by opening gifts on a different date than last year.” Approach the topic of change with your partner as a positive, rather than a situation in which one of you loses out, suggests Dr Sheila McNamee, professor of communication at the University of New Hampshire, US.
So you might say, “I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend Chrissy with your family this year, [insert partner’s name here], but how about we spend the three days leading up to it with your parents so we can wrap presents and go to Carols by Candlelight together?”
The fight: You clash with his fam
THE FIX You can’t stand his Aunty Joy(less) who raises her brows at you turning up with a bottle of bubbly and asks when you’re going to get down to baby-making. And then there’s her stare-a-lot husband... ew. But your mob’s not perfect, either, and this is the most important time of the year to accept people as they are, says Moll. If someone offends you, count to 10 (silently) to avoid saying something that’ll upset your partner.
“[Then] steal away to a quiet place, even if it’s the bathroom, for a few moments of solitude. Slow your breathing and restore calm,” she adds.
If you can’t bear sitting around watching his relos get sozzled, suggest playing a game like boules, taking a group walk or watching a Christmas movie. Doing new things can help families create positive new memories, says Dr Dennis Orthner, author of Intimate Relationships: an Introduction to Marriage and the Family.
The fight: He gave you a dud present (or thinks you did)
THE FIX Unwrapped a fizzer? Without being a downer, you may need to lower your expectations to reduce the chance of disappointment, says Dr Colleen Carney, a psychology professor at Ryerson University, Canada. Keep perspective by stepping back from commercial pursuits and focusing on what Christmas should really mean to you and your partner: more time together, a reflection on your life and future, spiritual observance (if that’s your thing), says Occhiogrosso.
If he doesn’t seem to like the gift you gave him, you’ve got two options: “You can let it go, safe in the knowledge you did your best to find the perfect present,” says Coventry. “Or you can find a quiet moment to ask him how he feels about it.”
If you take the latter option, be prepared to accept his thoughts about the gift, positive or negative.
The fight: Figuring out how much to spend on your nieces
THE FIX You don’t mind finishing the year with credit card debt in order to show your loved ones how much you care, but your partner cracks the budget whip. “Financial pressure is one the most common causes of ongoing conflict, so address the issue sooner than later,” says Coventry. “Your first priority is to come up with a gift budget together. Specify how much you can afford overall, then allocate part of that to each family member.
Next, come up with gift ideas together. Sharing the process should help prevent conflict and motivate him to help you find special things for people.” And remind yourself that Christmas shouldn’t be about materialism. “Set aside the cultural expectations of spending the most and getting the best,” says theologian Dr Shawn Krahmer.
Home alone?
If you’re single or living far from home, festivities can shine a floodlight on feelings of loneliness and isolation. “The holidays are often a time when people think about what’s missing in their lives,” says Dr Janet Belsky, author of Experiencing the Lifespan. Here are some expert tips for making it through the silly season, solo:
Help others “There’s always a need for volunteers at homeless shelters this time of year, or other opportunities to give back to the community,” says Dr Samuel Gladding, chair of the department of counselling at Wake Forest University, US. “Sometimes the best antidote for self-focus is reaching out to someone who truly has less,” adds Dr Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, author of The Well-Ordered Home.
Accept invites “When people feel down, they often avoid being around others, which increases the likelihood that their depression will worsen,” says Carney. Surround yourself with people – just make sure they’re the uplifting kind.
Treat yourself Go for a massage, to the movies or eat a meal at a special restaurant. “Anything that demonstrates a special pleasure for you,” says Belsky.
Don’t force happiness “If you aren’t near your loved ones, realise it’s normal to feel sadness or grief,” says Moll. “It’s OK to take time just to cry or express your feelings.”
How to survive the silly season
