Seven things to never say to a man

November 19, 2012, 10:36 am David Smiedt Yahoo!7

Men will laugh at the lowest of things - just not any of these.

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Good sense of humour (GSOH). Scan a dating site and it’s the term you’ll see more than any other.

Being able to have a laugh is sealant that glues you together at the start of a relationship and keeps you from coming unstuck when stuff like each other’s families and nappy changing comes along. There’s not a man alive who doesn’t think he has a gold SOH – look at his Simpsons collection and the fact he never tires of Funniest Home Videos: “Look babe, this kid’s going to hit his dad in the nuts!”

That said, there are some topics he’ll never find funny. No matter how much he knows you love him. Avoid at all costs:

“What’s this?”

Let’s say, like the head of The Simpsons family, your bloke has a bit of a pot belly. Let’s say, like a lot of men, he likes busting out the odd joke about it: “This? This is my VB retirement program!” Do not, under any circumstances attempt to use this line yourself. Especially in public, while playfully squeezing his gut.

While it’s tempting to assume the gag stems from a place of comfort with his slightly out-of-shape form, it’s actually sheer bravado, a faux-jolly deflection mechanism. While his mates may be able to get away with ribbing him about it (and then only because they’re sporting similar “verandahs over the toolshed”), in the mouth of the person who supposedly loves him most, this jape is a razor blade that cuts swift and deep.

Think of it as lipo without anaesthetic that requires ongoing pain medication.

“My ex used to…”

While the sex with him may not be earth-shattering, the rest of the relationship makes up for it. Sounds like a fair, if not ideal, compromise right? Not if you’re a man.

It doesn’t matter if he knows he’s made you happier, more confident and more emotionally fulfilled than any other bloke, he still can’t bear the thought that someone else had you moaning a little louder, grabbing the sheets tighter and banging that headboard faster.

Even if you’ve been with him for decades, that throwaway joke about “Carlos the tradie who gave me spasms in my little toes,” will not go down well. Speaking of which…

“So I checked your Firefox history...”

You know he looks at the odd bit of porn. He knows you know and you know he knows you know. Because you are a grown-up realist, you’ve dealt with it. He, however, has not. Every pleasurable frisson of a mouse click is accompanied by a smaller one of shame. Which is why he tries his utmost to wipe clean his browser history.

You may think that having a little joke about this – “So what’s happening at dirtygrannynurses.com today?” – will alleviate the tension and show you’re cool with the whole tawdry business.

But no. It’ll have precisely the opposite effect and he’ll burn with embarrassment. The reason for this is that although you may be reconciled with the filthier elements of his nature, he never will be.

“Your mum’s emails are so hilarious”

By now, you’ll no doubt pick up the unmistakable scent of hypocrisy (think: a blend of overcooked cabbage and regret). If the roles were switched and you were upset by any of these actions, he’d mumble something along the lines of “lighten up”, “you’ve got to learn how to take a joke” or “saying it and meaning it are two different things”.

Meanwhile, he reserves the right to be mortally wounded by your vicious insensitivity masquerading as humour. Nowhere will this be more apparent than the subject of family. While your mum and dad’s slightly antiquated attitudes, flubbing of social media terminology and fondness for an evening cocktail or three may be open slather for him, the merest lighthearted suggestion that “you sound like your dad” will be perceived as an attack on both. Sad but true.

“Oh, cute, a sponsor child! Do you have a photo?”

Your relationship is probably founded on a lie. No, make that several lies. In the early stages, many a man suspects he’s not quite good enough to woo you. That’s why we embellish on that stint of charity work we did in 1993, our fondness for Jodi Picoult and the notion that “you can’t live a fulfilling life from the couch”.

Call him out on these – it was one Saturday morning of doorknocking for the Red Shield Appeal, he watched My Sister’s Keeper but only because it starred Cameron Diaz, and in reality the sofa has practically moulded itself around his arse – and he will recoil like a child who’s just touched a hotplate.

Of course you don’t hold these white lies against him and may even love him a little bit more because he was trying so very hard, but his own sense of duplicitousness and latent inferiority will never sit comfortably enough to be joked about.

“Was that a pop ’n’ lock?”

There are some men who are comfortable on the dance floor. There are many, many others who are not. Those who grab their partner by the hand and sing along to “my lovely lady lumps” invariably believe that they are the love child of Usher and Fred Astaire. You and I, however, know they actually resemble an inflatable noodle man on roller skates.

Do not burst this balloon through imitation or – worse still – stifling a smile as he busts out his trademark shimmy. Doing so will shatter one of his core self-beliefs – that he has moves – and will have him looking at himself in a disparaging new light. Is this a trivial issue that hardly warrants serious deliberation? Probably. Is he big and old enough to be able to deal with a little ribbing? Maybe. But will he forever remember the time you made fun of his dancing? I can guarantee it.

“Hey, sweet stuff…”

Yes, we’re talking willies – the most sensitive spot on a man’s body and ego. He may not admit it but there’s not a man out there who doesn’t wonder if he’s long enough and wide enough to satisfy his woman. It’s the herpes of personal insecurities in that once you get it, it’s there forever and will rear its head – as it were – when you least expect it.

The most innocuous of actions can bring this on, so think carefully about the words you use when referring to it in conversation. You don’t have to overcompensate with terms like “schlong kong” but for the sake of his fragile self-esteem, do not under any circumstances refer to the mighty sword as “cute”, “adorable” or “sweet”. Even if meant as a genuine term of endearment, he won’t accept it as such. You may as well have kicked him straight in the ego.

Did you know?

BABE: the number-one most loathed pet name for a partner, closely followed by 'Treacle' and 'Pickle'.*

*Source: A siteopia.com survey of 2000 people

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33 Comments

  1. discostw805:00pm Sunday 11th August 2013 ESTReport Abuse

    how about- it was just the one football team.. I didn't swallow for him as I love you My #$%$ is for my Husband only but anything else is fine. I was drunk so I ......... if you love you would......

    Reply
  2. Ghost Hunter11:12am Monday 07th January 2013 ESTReport Abuse

    MMMMMMMMMMMMM ! Idiot writer forgot the classic ! She should always remember NOT to refer to him as " LITTLE OLD PENCIL D**K " either ! :-D

    Reply
  3. Kimberly11:56pm Wednesday 21st November 2012 ESTReport Abuse

    What a load of #$%$ You might very insecure about your little wiener but my guy is not. He laughs at dudes like that. Don't impose your insecurities on others and attempt to pass it off as fact. Truly godawful writing and advice.

    Reply
  4. Russell Patterson06:44am Tuesday 20th November 2012 ESTReport Abuse

    How is it that Politicians give themselves payrise after payrise and that talk #$%$ about Pension Increases that Kevin Rudd gave when in actual fact John Howard, Tony Abott use to give Pensioners a bonus of $1,200.00 each june/july and this so called Labor party of the people, took that bonus off Pensioners and broke it down to $30.00 the exact amount of the so called Pension Increase, Why havent journalists jumped on this fact. Also how many multi millionaires, thanks to Politics are in this country, there financial history and there families should be an open book, many people agree Politicans are in it for what they can get for themselves and families. R.L Patterson

    1 Reply
  5. Jeffrey06:42am Tuesday 20th November 2012 ESTReport Abuse

    here's another; girls, don't call out your ex-bf's name in the middle of the act instead of the name of the bloke currently in the act with you.....tends to make one wonder where the allegiance/s lie, so to speak

    Reply
  6. S04:17am Tuesday 20th November 2012 ESTReport Abuse

    Ok, I'm gonna go against the grain and say unfortunately a lot of this is sad...but true. We have to tiptoe around women during "that time of the month", we can't suggest that women can't do anything a man can do, and we have to always be "sensitive to women's needs. Well then, perhaps women might need to understand that men too have sensitivities and areas where they might feel a wee bit vunerable. If by speaking about these areas to women and perhaps suggesting that they be a bit more understanding of men then we all can have better relationships...I've been married for nearly twenty years, and I have to say that still my wife says things or does things that embarrass me or make me feel uncomfortable.

    Reply
  7. Reeces12:40am Tuesday 20th November 2012 ESTReport Abuse

    It would appear that the men are a little touchy on this item....indeed!

    Reply
  8. Sam10:14pm Monday 19th November 2012 ESTReport Abuse

    What a complete waste of time. This guy must have plenty of space between the ears.

    Reply
  9. Michael08:30pm Monday 19th November 2012 ESTReport Abuse

    It does not seem that the research was done very thoroughly for that one!

    1 Reply
  10. Ghost Hunter07:47pm Monday 19th November 2012 ESTReport Abuse

    Isn't ' david smiedt ' one of the many alias old comrade ' wrong-way-wong ' uses to write complementary comments to her / itself ??? This whole 'article' reads like it was written by a d***e waiting for her girlfriend.

    Reply

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