How to achieve balance

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Ever wish you’d slam-dunked more goals in life, or spent more time lying in the park enjoying the simple things?

Dr Chris Skellett, author of When Happiness is Not Enough, says that to feel fulfilled we need to strike a “considered balance” between two driving principles: pleasure and achievement.

Unfortunately, says the clinical psychologist and executive coach, most of us don’t pull off that balance because we’re driven by either pleasure or achievement, tipping the scales in one direction.

“Achievement people are the stressed people who are always active and looking to get things done. The words that drive them are passion, ambition, enthusiasm. They rush to the gym or to study after work,” says Skellett.

“On the other side are the people who are relaxed, content, happy in the moment. They’re looking for a good time as soon as they finish work, racing to pubs, restaurants, theatres. They spend money rather than save; laze on the beach rather than explore new places. They have fun, but lack the sense of satisfaction derived from accomplishing things.”

Why the imbalance?

Whether your folks pushed you to achieve, or just loved you for “who you are”, Skellett says today’s lifestyle also throws us off-kilter: “There are invitations to indulge in unhealthy pleasures: fast foods, wine, TV. On the other hand, 24/7 accessibility provides too many opportunities for others to constantly strive to achieve: phones and email; Sunday isn’t a rest day; we don’t take lunch breaks; we have unrealistic expectations of success, so we strive for perfect houses, perfect jobs, to look perfect.” Perfectly exhausting.

Every little decision you make hinges on this pleasure/achievement see-saw, and Skellett points out what can happen to people who slope one way or the other: “A depressed housewife came to see me – she was lying in bed all morning, watching TV and eating chocolate; she got up at lunch and started drinking wine. She was self-soothing with pleasure, when she needed to set objectives and develop a sense of achievement.”

In the arvo of that same day, a stressed businessman came to see Skellett. “He was looking at his watch and thinking ahead; wanted to be fixed ‘right now’; his wife had sent him; he was giving me advice on how to rearrange my furniture. By the end of his session, we were talking about how he needed to schedule time to slow down, be more in the moment and appreciate what life has to offer.”

According to Skellett, a fulfilled person sits in between these two clients: “There is a healthy life where we have that drive and ambition, but we also allow ourselves time to just enjoy being alive,” he says. “Pause to reflect on whether you’ve got the balance right, deciding what balance means for you – at home, in leisure, professionally.”

Reaching equilibrium

If you realise you’re a fun-seeker who’s not adding enough feathers to your cap, the advice is obvious: set some, then work towards them. Your partner’s or kids’ achievements – or a stranger’s – don’t count: “Some people live vicariously through other people’s achievements for their dose of pride: if they follow a sports team, or a competitor on a cooking or dance show, they feel proud when they win,” says Skellett. “But unless you’re ticking off your own goals too, you go to bed satisfied by someone else’s achievement.”

And how can over-achievers amp up the fun without tipping the balance to overindulgence?

“My formula for healthy pleasures is to be more aware of the world around you in a sensory way – listening to music, enjoying the smell of food, looking at beautiful views, just making sure your senses are alive,” says Skellett. “Also, enjoying the company of good friends – relaxing, laughing and being in the moment with them, plus reflecting on good times in the past. Reflection and contentment are other important parts of being happy.”

GET QUIZZY

This table, from Skellett’s When Happiness is not Enough: Balancing Pleasure and Achievement in Your Life (Exisle Publishing) will tell you if you’re a pleasure or achievement seeker*

Column A Strongly agree = 3 Agree = 2 Mildly agree = 1 I don’t mind = 0
Column B Mildly disagree = 1 Disagree = 2 Strongly disagree = 3

After a meal, I relax before washing the dishes A/B
When I play sport, it’s for fun, rather than to win A/B
When I look back on my life, I remember the fun I’ve had over the things I’ve achieved A/B
On holiday, I prefer to chill on a beach than explore places of interest A/B
My friends tend to be fun to be with, rather than useful to know A/B
I try to be happy with myself as I am, rather than trying to change myself for the better A/B
Weekends are for relaxing over getting things done A/B
I prefer spending to making money A/B
During a break at work, I’m more likely to snack than exercise A/B
I think it’s more important for children to be happy than to do well A/B

To estimate the strength of your Pleasure Orientation, add your scores from column A:
My pleasure score........................
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11+
Weak Strong

To estimate the strength of your Achievement Orientation, add your scores from column B:
My achievement score................
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11+
Weak Strong

Your overall Pleasure Achievement Bias (subtract Pleasure score from Achievement score):
My bias...........................................

A negative score indicates a mild/moderate or extremely indulgent lifestyle:
- 0 to -10 = Mild
- 11 to -20 = Moderate
- 21 to -30 = Extreme

A positive score indicates a mild/ moderate or extremely driven lifestyle:
- 0 to 10 = Mild
- 11 to 20 = Moderate
- 21 to 30 = Extreme

Related: Relaxation techniques from around the world

*This questionnaire, edited for Women’s Health, serves as a general guide only, and is not a formal diagnostic instrument.