Yahoo Lifestyle Pop your thought bubbles
Thinkstock
Does his mum like me? Would I have got that job if I hadn’t told them about the trip I’ve already planned? Would it have been better to sign off my text to him with “see ya” instead of “xox”?
If stressful thoughts get stuck on repeat in your head as easily as the latest Lorde track, you’re what psychologists call a ruminator. You overthink things to such a degree, you miss living in the moment.
Copious studies have shown that rumination, more common in the fairer sex, is one of the major reasons women have higher rates of depression than men. And research by Ohio University found it can even increase levels of inflammation in the body.So get ready to silence your inner chatterbox with these five solid strategies based on the latest psychology research…
You overthink…
why that bloke hasn’t replied to your text, so much that you say no to drinks with your mates. Sounds counterintuitive, but when people get stuck overthinking something, they become less willing to do distracting activities – even if they think they’d enjoy them, according to a study at Stanford University in the US.
Why? Ruminators tend to believe that thinking, thinking, thinking will lead to a light bulb moment. Spoiler alert: it won’t. Engaging in self-focused thinking while you’re in a depressed mood actually makes you less likely to have useful insights about your problems and prolongs the woe-is-me-ness. Go against your instincts and get involved in those distracting activities. Apart from lifting your mood, a pub dinner with friends is more likely to lead you to a solution than a pity-party for one.
You overthink…
how things with your new partner could explode at any moment, even though your relationship is great right now. Learn to recognise negative thoughts that consume you, but might not be true in reality. Things like “shoulds” (“I should always make sure I’m perfectly groomed while I’m with him”); personalising (“His sister didn’t sit next to me at dinner, she must think I’m boring”); negative predictions (“His parents probably won’t think I’m good enough for him”); and mind-reading (“He hasn’t let me know whether he can come to that dinner, so he must not want to meet my mates”). And remember, thought distortions can increase when you’re feeling flat or under pressure.
You overthink…
the fact that you had to pay an extra $200 because you missed a flight; the harder you try to let it go, the more you obsess about it. Studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed that when people are asked not to think about something, they think about it more. The proof: don’t think about Ryan Gosling.
So, instead of trying to suppress stressful thoughts, try this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy technique, developed by Dr Steven Hayes at the University of Nevada: allow insecurity-driven thoughts to pass through your mental train station in their own time, rather than trying to block them out. Try saying: “Thanks, mind” in response to thoughts you’d prefer not to have. Alternatively, say aloud: “I’m having the thought that...” and let it flow. These techniques can defuse some of the tension you feel about the thoughts so you can let it go.
You overthink…
whether or not clothes suit you – you always have to take a friend shopping to get a second opinion. Cruel twist: the coping strategies people use to deal with lack of confidence usually make their confidence nosedive even further. If you always seek reassurance, your brain will jump to the conclusion that if you hadn’t asked for backup, you would’ve screwed up.
And keep in mind that people who constantly want other people to make decisions for them are exhausting. So make a deal with your wingwomen or men that they’ll help you notice when you’re reassurance-seeking. Agree that you’ll limit asking for a second opinion to once or twice a week, which will help you test, over a few weeks, whether doing less of it helps you feel more confident.
You overthink…
all the emails you have to reply to in the morning, so much that you lose track of what’s happening in the movie you’re watching. Ruminators miss opportunities for fun and downtime because whenever they slow down, their mind overflows with thoughts. Switch your brain from “evaluative mode” to “experiential mode” by doing this simple 10-minute walking meditation devised by Stanford University psychologist Dr Kelly McGonigal: walk at whatever speed you like.
For the first five minutes, focus your attention on the following sensations for one minute each: the physical sensations of your body in motion, the sounds around you, your breathing, what you can see and the sensations of air on your skin. For the last five minutes, allow any of the five types of sensations to come to mind for however long you like, but if your mind drifts to the past or future, gently – and without self-criticism – bring your attention back to one of the five types of sensations.
Three to try: How to suck up to your neighbours
1. Smile more :-) A simple smile is really powerful. Research tells us that smiles are contagious and leave “smilees” feeling more positive and uplifted. If you do this, you’ll definitely get more smiles in return.
2. Invite them over One of the easiest ways to get your neighbours off-side is to have a loud party. Why not use the event to get them on-side? Invite them. You might just make a new friend.
3. Bake a cake It’s a cliche, but anyone bearing cake is always well received. This small gesture sends the message you’re kind, caring and generous – and you never know when you might need a nice neighbour.
By WH stress less expert Dr Suzy Green
