Saying sorry: The power of an apology

We bet there have been times you’d rather cut out your tongue than say sorry.

But if you perfect the art of the apology, you’ll be more popular than a vending machine at 3pm.

“Expressing regret is important for creating and maintaining healthy relationships,” says Beverly Engel, author of The Power of Apology . So if you’ve screwed up with a loved one or colleague, read on.

The mistake: You’ve stuffed up at work and a huge project is in jeopardy. We’re talking a six-figure slip-up.

THE FIX “Being able to apologise is critical in the workplace,” says Sydney-based psychologist Amanda Ferguson. So it’s important to front up to the boss immediately. But first, write a few bullet points about what you’re going to say. Be honest, she urges, never make excuses and try to at least look like you’re sorry.

The mistake: Your mum gave you one piece of advice too many and you snapped.

THE FIX Apologising to family is often avoided, but it helps to set boundaries. Get it off your chest and acknowledge that you know she meant well. Stick to the point, says Karen Bouris, author of Create a Guilt-Free Life , and “focus only on your behaviour and your regrets,” she says. Don’t bring up the past.

The mistake: You’ve spent the rent money on a well-earned girls’ night. Your partner is not amused.

THE FIX If your usual apology goes like this: “I’m sorry, but you’re still a knob because you spent the electricity money on beer last month,” er, change your tactics. Stop and rewind, suggests psychologist Patricia Covalt, author of What Smart Couples Know. Use the “we” word liberally: “What should we do?”, “How will we solve this?”. Covalt says this language will crack even the most stubborn bloke.

The mistake: You told your friend you were too sick to have dinner; she sees you dancing on a bar at 1am.

THE FIX There are few ways to squirm out of the quicksand that’s a lie without it swallowing you whole. Your best bet, says Hugh Mackay, author of Right and Wrong, is to apologise, promise you won’t lie again, and find a way to make it up to them. “You must do whatever is necessary to secure the forgiveness of the person you’ve wronged,” he says. Key words: grovel, beg, bribe.