All of the Messed-Up Sh*t That Keeping Secrets Does to Your Body

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We live in a Golden Age of Oversharing, where people spill every detail of every day on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat. Not to mention, more than 10 million people post on the confession site Whisper each month.

But this I'm-an-open-book facade is, itself, a lie. Studies of social media posts find they don't often reflect someone's true feelings. And research shows about 95 percent of women both withhold things from loved ones and have lied to someone close to them.

The problem? Per the latest data, keeping stuff inside—even lies we think of as harmless—can cause anxiety, depression, and a host of bodily aches, especially if you feel guilty about the deception. While having your confidences exposed—and dealing with the aftermath—is scary, not doing so could be scarier. . .for your health.

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"A Heavy burden" & "A Weight On My Shoulders."
The metaphors we use to describe secrets are dead-on. Columbia University research reveals that people who keep something under wraps find everyday tasks, like lugging groceries up stairs, physically harder. "The size of the secret doesn't matter," explains study author Michael Slepian, Ph.D. "What matters is how preoccupied you are with it." In other words, sealing your lips about small stuff (say, a concealed crush) can feel as oppressive as lugging around a doozy if you obsess about it 24-7.

And bearing that load can cause some pretty hefty health effects. For starters, it can jack up your level of the stress hormone cortisol, too much of which is linked to memory loss, a messed-up metabolism, and high blood pressure. You may also fall into a funk: Even if you think that keeping things close to your chest is no big deal (some people are just more private than others, right?), research shows secrets can leave people moody and lonely.

Not only can your relationships with family and friends suffer, but the damage also can seep into your work life, even when the secret has nothing to do with your job. One theory: Your brain can only handle so much at once, and the more energy you expend on not blabbing, the less brain power you have to focus on other things, per a study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology.

Don't Shush Me
Which is the lesser evil: the constant worry you feel from hiding something, or the vulnerability and pain you may experience if you fess up? It depends on the relationship, but research shows the mental and physical problems that come with being secretive are cut by at least half when you start speaking the truth.

And of course, there's this: Personal bonds are built on trust. If you keep a secret that directly affects another person (e.g., the dent you put in your friend's car), you miss out on the benefits—like overall better health and a longer life—that often come with feeling known and understood, says New York City psychiatrist Gail Saltz, M.D. "If they reject you, it probably wasn't a very healthy relationship."

If your secret is more of the haunting personal variety, such as a lifelong eating disorder, you can minimize the odds that you'll feel judged by confiding in an empathetic friend whose reaction is more likely to be "I'm so glad you felt safe sharing" than "Um, why have you never told me?" says psychiatrist Amy Banks, M.D., of the Wellesley Centers for Women.

Speaking up is easier said than done, but these steps can help make the conversation go more smoothly.

1. Make time. Don't spring your reveal in public or when the person you're confessing to won't have time to process. Say you have something to discuss and set aside a specific date and place to do so, in person.

2. Admit this is hard for you. Especially if your truth will sting. Let the other person know that you're truly sorry and trying to make amends.

3. Be direct. Spill your secret or own your lie as straightforwardly as you can. Don't go off on tangents or make excuses.

4. Take your medicine. Your admission may elicit tears or silence, but if you're confessing something that screws with the person you're telling, your job is to pull on your big-girl pants and deal, not get defensive. If the other person needs time to think, say you'll be there when he or she is ready to talk. The follow-up is, in many ways, more important than the reveal, says Saltz. Translation: If you don't respect that it may take someone a while to digest the news, you could torpedo the relationship.