Love Island’s Cassidy can’t stop crying

By Deirdre Fidge

Try to pick up on the theme of the latest Love Island episode from the following words: dominating, domesticated, domicile… um… Domino’s Pizza. That’s right! Tonight was all about the new entrant, Dom. 

Oh Dommy Dom Dom… tall, deep voice, smouldering eyes, almost exactly how Mary-Ann’s love interest Logan was described in a Babysitter’s Club novel, but ten years on and full of excess testosterone. 

Cassidy once again cries.

Cassidy is super keen on this lumbering lothario, so she subtly corners him, where they spend far too long speaking in codes – and about codes – in front of a fire pit. Perhaps the two of them will scheme to throw Josh into the pit so that they can frolic into the sunset guilt-free! Or not. 

Cass then chats to Erin while realising its time for her hourly cry. She’s feeling some immense guilt, or maybe gas pains, so then decides to cry some more in front of Josh. Oh, and tell him she’s feeling horned-up for Dommo. They decide to call it quits for obvious reasons… RIP. 

“Wanna make like a tree and … root?” Source: Nine“
“Wanna make like a fire and … potentially cause major destruction?” Source: Nine
Whoops, nearly forgot my four o’clock weep! Source: Nine
Three o’clock cry time! Source: Nine

Justin decides that despite early worries about being in competition with Dom because they’re “both tall and good-looking” (do any of these people hear themselves?) he figures they won’t butt heads because Dom is blonde and Justin is brunette.  

The world’s best social satirists could not write this level of dialogue, my friends. Source: Nine

Eden and Grant whisper by the pool about Cassidy’s behaviour and decide they aren’t a fan of hers. If you haven’t already picked up by now, this show has far less games or dates compared to other reality shows like The Bachelor, but what it does have is a bunch of conventionally beautiful people lounging around a pool gossiping to each other. Sunrise, sunset.

Just look at this entertaining scene! Stimulating. Source: Nine

When will the producers respond to my emails to turn the show into just one hour of Cat Cam? Source: Nine

Jaxon awkwardly tells Mac that he only sees her as a friend, a spluttering monologue involving the use of the word ‘obviously’ almost ten times. She meekly responds something about feeling the same, so they high-five.  

The true winner of Love Island… is friendship. Source: Nine

DING DONG, TEXT ALERT! It’s time for Dommo to go on two dates: first up is Francoise. Embarrassingly, she became entangled in a pile of laundry prior to her date and accidentally wore a scarf on the top her head.  

Luckily Dom has a secret cowboy fetish so he isn’t bothered by a large floppy bandada. Source: Nine

Jaxon makes a move on Millie but she isn’t keen. But hasn’t she heard that he’s taller than her, which he keeps talking about? HEIGHT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR IN A RELATIONSHIP MILLIE, GET WITH THE PROGRAM. GOSH. 

“I can pull out my tape measure if you need hard data.” Source: Nine

Meanwhile, Domino’s Pizza is wining and dining Cassidy. He ensures his voice is lowered to an acceptably masculine level, and she giggles carefreely. The perfect date! 

Spin-off idea: couples that look like they could be twins. Source: Nine
Time for the compulsory post-date gloat! Source: Nine
Sorry Josh-o, Cassidy has boarded the Dom Train. Toot toot. Source: Nine

Evening comes, meaning it’s time for everyone to change their sheets. Oh and of course, time yet again for another gathering around the fire pit of doom. Which lady will Dom choose? 

“We shall fight them on the beaches… wait no, that’s not what I wanted to say.” Source: Nine

The lucky-ish gal is… Cassidy! Sorry Josh, it’s not Friend Island after all. 

Partners or siblings – why not both! Source: Nine

But can Dom be trusted? And which new couplings will emerge tomorrow? Most importantly, when do we get to see more of that cat? So many mysteries, so little time. 

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