Love Island couples playing the game are exposed

By Deirdre Fidge 

What rhymes with Shminals Shmeek and simultaneously brings Love Island viewers immense joy and existential dread? That’s right mates ­– it’s Finals Week.

So how’s everyone feeling after last night’s recoupling? None of us actually care, but Josh is upset that Amelia prepared a speech for a staged ceremony requiring participants to present a speech.

“Honestly I just literally wanted some honesty, like honestly, you know”. Source: Nine
Imagine not offering an off-the-cuff heartfelt speech about someone you barely know. Embarrassing!!! Source: Nine

She begs forgiveness with an adorably awful four-line poem, and we were blessed with hearing “smushy” rhymes with “Joshy”. Oh, and of course, this incredibly dialogue:

Amelia: [silently sitting after reciting poem]

Josh: “Oh… are you still going?”

Amelia: “I think I’m finished.”

Josh: “Oh I thought you were pausing. That… was… really good.”

Perfection like this makes me sad it’s the last week. Source: Nine
But surely none of us will miss watching this. Source: Nine

DING DONG! TEXT ALERT! Time for an inane and bizarre challenge!

Did anyone misread this as The L Word and get momentarily excited that we’d have an LGBT contestant? Just me? Oh OK. Source: Nine

Evidently, a producer stuck their greasy paw into the fishbowl of ideas and pulled out the deranged scribble of ‘sexy nurses’ scrawled on a post-it.

Thus, all couples engaged in some sort of quasi-challenge involving polyester medical garb and misuse of leg splints.

Tragically, nobody was actually injured. Source: Nine
Diagnosis: significant dignity deficiency. Source: Nine

Later, Eden and Erin have a shouting argument proving that most people in the villa could benefit greatly from a personal development course working on interpersonal skills.

They’d employ a relationships counsellor but spent all the budget on those nurse outfits. Source: Nine
Nothing warms the heart like two men laughing at a couple shouting: how community-minded! Source: Nine
If arguing with a woman, simply pick up her entire body as if she is an inconvenient piece of driftwood. (NB: Don’t actually do this). Source: Nine

As the sun sets, everyone starts feeling a wee bit antsy as the public get to vote on which couple will go home.

Never since Guy Sebastian and Shannon Noll has there been so much tension among television viewers.

Why didn’t this guy get a vote?! Discrimination. Source: Nine

With Millie-Mark and Mac-Teddy voted as least popular, the rest of the gang have to deliberate and decide who to throw directly into the fire pit. Or go home, I’m not exactly sure of the rules.

It’s not Friend Island, have you seen David Schwimmer anywhere?! Source: Nine
Grant’s brain is in excruciating physical pain after having to use his frontal lobe. Source: Nine

After too many elongated speeches about difficult choices and integrity and yadda yadda yadda, the couples announce their decisions.


But wait – it’s a tie! Where’s Sophie? Will she pop out of a hedge and have the final say?

Sadly no, no Monk in sight – just more talking. Bah! Source: Nine
Tayla: same girl. Same. This deliberation is DULL. Source: Nine

After a heated discussion without resolution due to aforementioned terrible communication and interpersonal skills, a text states that the couple with the lowest amount of votes will go home.

But before that is announced, Mac and Teddy talk for 85 minutes.

They’re voluntarily going home, but taking a lovely friendship with them. Aw. Source: Nine
Okay sweetie but why are you still talking? Source: Nine
The aftermath of the evening will no doubt linger on for an eternity… or at least until whatever dramas arrive tomorrow night. Source: Nine

The countdown to the grand finale has begun, and then we’ll have to take a long hard look at ourselves in the mirror and address our horrible lives.

But until then: goodnight, and enjoy Finals Week!

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