Yahoo Lifestyle "Still Working On It After 40 Years": 35 Deep Truths Older Adults Only Learned After Getting Married
Recently, older adults on Reddit shared the lessons they've learned from marriage, and they were honestly too insightful not to share. Here are some of the most interesting things they had to say:
1."If your future spouse does something that annoys you, it will not get better once you are married."
"Conversely, if you don’t tell them and give them the benefit of the doubt that they are unaware of the habit (basically, don’t expect mind reading), the annoying thing remains your problem and not theirs."
2."That sometimes it can be worth it even if it doesn't work. Mine ended in divorce, but I had a good time for most of it and am grateful for the family that we built. I don't regret getting married. And I don't regret getting divorced."
3."That you should know a person very well before you marry them. Live with them first, too. You learn about their daily habits, money situation, drug use, drinking habits, cleanliness, family dynamics, etc."
4."That I never want to get married again. I love my husband, but if something were to happen to him, I wouldn’t get married again. I do not like how involved his family is in our lives, no matter how many boundaries we set. It’s exhausting."
"Yeah, it took my wife and me 25 years to get everything working well and deal with each other's quirks. I wouldn't want to put in the time again. Not that I would even have that amount of time."
5."Have a spouse that defends you to their crazy family, or don't get married. My mother-in-law doesn't try to pull outright bitch moves on me anymore because my husband called her out on her shit early on and set boundaries that he followed through with."
"Now she just pulls petty bitch shit which I actually find funny. Like if she gives me a recipe, she will alter at least one ingredient so it doesn't taste correct. Not bad per se, just not the same. Like saying a recipe needs green onions instead of yellow. Now, I love to figure it out and make the recipe perfect, sometimes improving the recipe and serving it at family meals with her. Her face is always priceless."
6."Most people in the past few decades don't understand that marriage is first and foremost a business partnership, with all the legal complications that it entails."
7."To always assume best intentions and remember they’re your best friend. But never ever be a doormat. Figure out where your boundaries are and die on that hill. You don’t need a lot of boundaries because they’re your best friend, but having them is important."
8."I’m just as annoying as my husband."
"Just had this conversation with my wife this morning. We've been married for 27 years, and it is either adapt/accept, or you are doomed. Anyone who thinks that they are perfect has a HUGE surprise coming."
9."To let shit go. Don't let your bad mood take it out on your soulmate/best friend because of how they're chewing or doing whatever to annoy you at the time. Life is easier when you don't think about that shit."
10."Home is where my wife is. We are partners/friends/lovers/allies against the rest of the world."
11."It’s not about me. It’s about us."
12."I’m not quite as good and patient as person as I thought."
"Sadly, I learned that by becoming a parent."
13."That the spark or flame burns brighter at times and dims at others, but the deep love that comes from knowing 100% that this person is with you though it all allows you to grow in ways you couldn't imagine in the early days of romance and marriage."
14."There's a wrong way to chew, and I apparently do it"
15."That couples should have separate bathrooms. Game changer. We each maintain our own, too."
"Absolutely! I laugh at luxury houses with huge en suites. Don't they realize two smaller bathrooms that you never have to share are so much better than one huge one?"
16."Happy spouse, happy house. Do right by one another, and everything else will work itself out."
17."Happiness in marriage takes WORK! But sticking with it, solid communication, and presenting a united front make it worthwhile."
"I knew it was work before I got married, but after the ceremony — holy cow, this is WORK! As in, growing up. Being willing to yield and make sacrifices. Not expecting your spouse to read your mind. Growing up. Picking your battles. Forgiving. Maturing. Making changes to YOURSELF. Did I mention you better grow the hell up?"
18."It’s really not necessary. I'm married, but I’ve been with my partner since we were teenagers. If we were not legally married, I'm sure we would still be together, and there would be almost no difference in our current relationship. I'm with them because I want to be with them."
19."That I don’t know how to put stuff in the refrigerator the right way."
"Huh. I got that nailed. Still working on the dishwasher after 40 years."
20."When 'til death do us part' happened, the hole in my chest where my heart once was never healed."
21."There are good days and bad days. But there are also good years and bad years"
"How do you get out of those bad ones?"
"You live through them, working to correct the issue or waiting the issue out. Some things require long periods of time to resolve, which could be a period of mental illness, physical illness, time taken to rebuild trust, growth as a person, pandemics — all sorts of things that may or may not be the fault of either partner. You make the best of the bad years in a committed relationship."
22."One person can never meet 100% of your needs, so nurture your friendships, too."
23."After decades of marriage, I have come to realize that marriage is not a fair arrangement for most women."
"I've read many times that this is more likely to be true if you have kids than if you don't. My late husband and I had a pretty equal partnership, but I doubt it would've stayed that way if we'd had children."
24."You don't have to share every fucking thing. I have my own bedroom and bathroom. We have a good percentage of separate friends and interests. We even have separate coffee makers! But after 21 years together and 17 years married, if I wasn't able to feel free to be my own person, I guarantee I wouldn't still be married. I know I can rely on him 150% when I need him, and that is the most important thing in the world to me. I'm ready to go another 17 years."
"I get so freaked out by couples who don’t have separate friends or interests. It must feel so stifling. Awful!"
25."That in my birth family, I got a loser lottery ticket. 40 years later, I met my husband and learned that I am not a bother, I’m not too much. I’m just right, and I'm a wonderful person."
26."That if I hadn't met my husband and married him, I would be miserable today. If he leaves before me, I will be miserable. He has made me a better person, and that makes him so much more important to me."
27."That as much as I love my husband, I will be completely fine and happy as a lonely old lady should the day come."
28."That good sex IS very important. 29+ years with an awful lover is rough."
"If the only reason you are interested in someone is for the sex, don't marry them. Ten years after the wedding, sex alone ain't gonna carry the load."
29."A woman often marries a man expecting him to change —and he doesn’t. While often he marries her expecting she will stay the same — and she doesn’t."
30."That before you decide to argue over something, decide if it really matters to you. It’s been my experience that I really don’t care that much about most things my wife wants to do/buy/whatever, and so when I actually do have an opinion, she knows it really matters to me and respects that."
31."It’s taken work for us to not have the same marriages that our parents had, but we’re much better off for putting that work in."
32."Marriage is a refining process. Your spouse will reveal areas in your own life that need to improve."
33."That I shouldn't have gotten married"
"Same... but twice."
34."That marriage is much better than people make it out to be. People make marriage sound like a prison sentence. I love my beautiful wife, who loves our daughter and loves me. I walk around with a faithful person who enjoys life with me. What more could you want?"
35.And finally, "42 years of marriage has taught me that it's not enough to be madly in love with your partner. You must also like them."
What do you think about these lessons? Is there anything you would add? Tell us what you think in the comments!
