Sorry, I'm Still Laughing At The 32 Funniest Tweets From This Week

We went from August 1st to Aug 15th in just 5 mins. It’ll be Christmas in a few hrs

— Chris (@iamchriscorooo) August 15, 2024

I recently taught my kiddo how to make my iced coffee bc she loves to be involved- it’s always made so well & the other day something just felt off- this morning she made my coffee & while she was doing the espresso she said “sometimes you need extra energy.. so I do 4 scoops”

— ❀ 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚏𝚎𝚢𝚢 ❀ (@Stonedwifeyy) August 18, 2024

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

— campbell g (@rodeoman) August 13, 2024

White people be like hey man I’m Connor

— Eli‎۞ 🌍🐫🏝️ (@erallover) August 13, 2024

He looks like a bearded dragon that is usually allowed to roam around the house but can’t today because relatives with a small child are visiting https://t.co/tQl04XlQHH

— Fred Delicious 🍆 (@Fred_Delicious) August 17, 2024

my therapist: matthew, i need you to understand that kamala harris is not texting you.my texts: pic.twitter.com/ZTK2J2mYaJ

— Matt Popovich (@mpopv) August 12, 2024

You ever dance so bad that you get criminally investigated https://t.co/06d5qQuiJ2

— Nandre (@Nan_dre_) August 15, 2024

this is what my setup looks like when I declare myself tomato mayor of the farmers market pic.twitter.com/BFywN7h7Il

— Will Watson (@will_watson) August 14, 2024

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to take PTO

— Natalie (@jbfan911) August 13, 2024

NobodyJesse McCartney in 2004: https://t.co/cpLOx53nJd

— MAY18TH (@jiggyjayy2) August 13, 2024

he’s doing the apple dance https://t.co/MxgV17MOR1

— latke (@latkedelrey) August 13, 2024

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry pic.twitter.com/1erZU8Ifrb

— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) August 12, 2024

ill bet sour cream and salsa dont really like eachother on a personal level but when they get in the studio together its undeniable

— paddle (@ipaddlearound) August 13, 2024

Dats why ppl was randomly throwin up in kindergarten https://t.co/94ebXk2c80

— COOLEE BRAVO 🥑 (@ItalianFiesta) August 17, 2024

never making a typo again smh pic.twitter.com/bQA9rGCnrH

— limp brittzkit (@Brittymigs) August 15, 2024

im crying i ordered a turtle pineapple bun at dim sum and ten mins later the waitress comes out apologizing profusely like "we're so sorry it came out really ugly. do you want it still we'll give it to you for free" YES OF COURSE anyway i love him. he was delicious pic.twitter.com/7hmkteKMX2

— leander! (@heroleanders) August 16, 2024

We’re watching “Bring it On” https://t.co/xvGggjHNv3

— Candy🇨🇩✨ (@labeautenoire_3) August 17, 2024

By the time im through with hinge i will have a fully furnished apartment pic.twitter.com/cnuYSPSf2A

— sarah jessica porker (@raginghotsingle) August 16, 2024

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) August 16, 2024

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

— chase (@_chase_____) August 16, 2024

i feel like i would’ve crushed it in ancient greece….yayyyy buying olive oil yayyyy walking to the agora yayyyy sleeping with my hot neighbor because both our shithead husbands died at sea yayyyy pouring out wine for a goddess so she doesn’t turn me into a spider

— Meg (@megannn_lynne) August 17, 2024

told this customer how much his total was and he told me that he can read

— violet ^,,^ (@swagjesusfan) August 18, 2024

men proposing after 8 years https://t.co/yOS1Fg52ss

— a (@aw_273) August 15, 2024

I hope they got married https://t.co/oCyOQFblMP

— mariana (@pastapilled) August 15, 2024

when a stranger on the train says to you “is this the train to _______” and you say “i hope so” and then you both laugh 👍👍👍👍👍👍 peak life moment

— Abi Slade (@abi_slade) August 18, 2024

heal me salt and vinegar chip. if you can hear me salt and vinegar chips i’m asking for a miracle. salt and vinegar chips please save me https://t.co/oUzjkvlvry

— ashley liao (lee-ow) (@ashleyjliao) August 18, 2024

last night there was a party in my apartment and while i was making a sandwich in the kitchen someone i don't know came up to me and said "are you allowed to do that"

— Dirk Fuckner 🚯 (@timerube) August 18, 2024

stop doing computer science we need ROCKSTARS

— sulky (@sulky80715248) August 17, 2024

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing againThe Fashion Industry: No.

— Matty (@bestestname) August 17, 2024

A key technique to finding nice stuff used is to painstakingly research what you want and then look for listings that sound like a caveman wrote them “old speakers” “vacum” “expresso” “tv old need gone”

— chris person (@Papapishu) August 17, 2024

me googling the number that called me instead of answering it like an adult pic.twitter.com/xPcs4Rni4x

— Jenni (@hashjenni) August 18, 2024