Yahoo Lifestyle Psychologists Are Begging People To Stop Using This Common Response When Talking to a Gaslighter
Gaslighting has become an increasingly widespread term in today’s society. Clinical psychologist Dr. Erika Bach says that while the term is perhaps overused colloquially at this time (it’s a label that’s placed on people that is perhaps used too frequently in some cases), in the truest sense of the word and when it is actually happening, gaslighting refers to a psychological manipulation tactic where someone is meant to question their own reality.
“This is especially difficult if the potential victim is susceptible to influence and tends to doubt in general,” Dr. Bach says. “A gaslighter is anyone who is, in a given moment, leading someone to question their reality.”
If you are sure without a shadow of a doubt that you’re dealing with a gaslighter, there is a common response that psychologists are begging people to stop using.
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
Why Is It Important To Identify Gaslighters in Your Life?
“It is important to identify gaslighters in your life so that you have that awareness going into any interaction with them,” Dr. Bach points out. “Therefore, you are less likely to be influenced or led to question reality if they begin to use manipulation tactics. With these individuals identified, you can set the proper boundaries, physically and/or emotionally, to protect yourself.”
Dr. Tirrell De Gannes, licensed clinical psychologist, says that when gaslighters go unchecked, multiple issues often occur.
“For example, individuals that interact with gaslighters regularly often have lower self-esteem, develop a lack of trust in their own intuition and become more dependent on advice and confirmation from others,” he shares.
Related: If Someone Uses These 7 Phrases, They May Be Trying to Control You, According to Psychologists
Psychologists Are Begging People To Stop Using This Common Response When Talking to a Gaslighter
One phrase that Dr. Bach is encouraging people dealing with gaslighting to avoid? “You’re probably right—I’m sorry.”
It’s a phrase that denotes doubt or insecurity. Dr. Bach adds, “This response validates and reinforces the gaslighter's tactics, increasing the likelihood that it will happen again, as well as expresses doubt, further encouraging them to keep hammering their point, which makes reality more confusing to ascertain.”
And besides this specific statement, there's another, more general response that psychologists want people to avoid—it's known as the "Jade Technique."
Related: 9 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting That Are Often Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists
The Jade Technique
The “Jade Technique” is something that has become increasingly popular. It stands for “justify, argue, defend and explain,” and the idea is to avoid engaging in these behaviors during confrontations, namely, in this case, with a gaslighter.
Dr. De Gannes says that these components can be useful if remembered “because healthy communication should not lead to escalations of negativity. The chances of escalating a negative experience increase if you are constantly trying to justify your actions, argue with others, come off as overly defensive and/or try too hard to explain your position.”
Dr. Bach adds, “Instead, you are better off not engaging emotionally or trying to do any of these four behaviors. For example, if someone says something provocative to try to get you to respond to them, you can say to them ‘okay’ in a bored tone. Remember, they are looking for you to react, so when you don't, they will become discouraged.”
Saying the phrase, “You’re probably right—I’m sorry,” is in itself a reaction, and one that will only add fuel to the gaslighter’s fire.
“Ultimately, gaslighters prey on your confidence, so increasing your trust in yourself and your feelings is a great foundation to build,” Dr. Bach says, and there is help if you need it. “Therapy is a great place to help you figure out who you can trust, how to set boundaries and how to trust your perception.”
How To Respond to a Gaslighter
Besides responding to a gaslighter with "okay," in a bored tone, there's another option that Dr. Bach recommends saying: “That is not how I experienced things. I need some time to reflect on this.”
She says that this response maintains boundaries and allows you to disengage, seeking clarity without the influence of the gaslighter, while also avoiding escalation.
“It also puts you into a position of power, allowing you to think about what you'd like to say,” she explains.
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Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
Sources
Dr. Erika Bach, clinical psychologist.
Dr. Tirrell De Gannes, licensed clinical psychologist.
