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How to help children cope with grief

Photo: Getty Images

As much as we’d all like to protect our toddlers from loss, it’s a fact that many little ones will be exposed to some form of loss and grief in their early years.

It could be a pet suddenly dying or the death of Grandma or Grandad. Some children will experience the separation of their parents, or they may have a best friend move away. Toddlers are not little adults, so how do we explain loss and grief to them?


Passing away

Understandably, a toddler is emotionally fragile when a death occurs, whether it be a relative or a pet. He will probably be confused by his strange, new feelings. It’s not uncommon for toddlers to act this out, either seeking more reassurance in Mum’s bed or behaving badly.

It’s important to be honest and to progress slowly, giving your toddler time to understand what’s going on. At this stage in his life, your child may not be able to grasp that death is permanent. But making up stories like, “Pa is just having a big sleep” doesn’t help. In fact, it just increases confusion. A good place to start is explaining the events through drawings which your toddler can understand. He can also use his own drawings to express his feelings.

Avoid words like “never” and “forever” as toddlers don’t really know what they mean. It is better to explain through terms like, “We had the blue car, but we don’t have it now and we can’t have it again. It is the same with our puppy, Zac.”

While sharing emotions, try to keep it simple, such as, “It’s sad that Grandma died and I’m very sad too.” Look at photos, with explanations like, “We can look at Grandpa’s photos, but we can’t visit him anymore.”

Reassure your child that the rest of the world hasn’t changed, such as, “We will still see Aunty Sue, we will still go to pre-school...” etc. Give plenty of hugs and keep as much of his daily routine as stable as possible.


Breaking up

If you and your partner separate, your toddler will most likely be bewildered as to why his parents are no longer living together. The most important thing to do is reassure your toddler that you will love him regardless.

Ideally, parents should explain the situation to their toddler together, rather than separately. This is the beginning of a process that hopefully you can keep amicable. It’s important to always put your child’s emotional, psychological and personal needs first. Your toddler might need several chats, as little ones often can’t grasp explanations when first told or need time to think about it.

Be sure to repeat to your toddler that the separation is not his fault, that it’s not happening because he was naughty and it’s not something he can fix. Your toddler needs to know that he can still love Mummy and Daddy just as much and equally, and affirm that he doesn’t have to ever take sides.

Again, drawings can be great to explain why Mummy or Daddy are living in a different place. You can show how he will get to a new house and a picture of a new bedroom. If you are unsure how long the separation will last, then be honest. Don’t promise anything in explanations that you can’t honestly keep to.


Farewell friends

Toddlers usually deal quite well with friends moving away, but it may be their first experience of loss. They don’t understand why family or friends might want to move. To toddlers, it is just silly behaviour, and they might react by acting out, regressing by wetting their pants or destroying possessions. Unlike a sudden tragedy, you can plan the time to talk about the situation. Often the best time is closer to moving day, as toddlers worry too much ahead otherwise. Explain ways that you can keep in touch and practise ways of doing it (for example, Skype, internet messages or phone calls) before the friends leave.

Toddlers love symbols and keepsakes, so explain what photos and gifts the friends can trade. Also, reassure your toddler that other friends are still staying and close. Explain to him that we may feel sad, but that there are positives too, such as the possibility of visiting on holidays. Finally, be positive, as the more upbeat you are, the happier your toddler will be.

Toddlers, like adults, need to take time to grieve and cope with loss. It can be a slow, gradual process, but through understanding, empathy and gentle explanations, they get through these difficult times.


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