Advertisement

Meeting special needs

Photo: Getty Images

Having a child with special needs can bring unique challenges – as well as joys – to the experience of parenthood, but it can also put new pressures on the relationship between parents.

Learning you are expecting a baby who will have special needs can be devastating, and there are losses to face, including the loss of expectations and hopes of a ‘normal’ future for your child and yourselves. There can also be fears, ‘what ifs’ and unknowns about the future. All of this may give rise to a multitude of feelings, including shock, denial, confusion, worry, despair, guilt, anger, embarrassment, anxiety and even depression. Many who have experienced it liken this emotional roller-coaster to a process of grieving.

Adding extra strain can be the often large financial cost of caring for a child with special needs, an avalanche of appointments and therapies to attend, periods of uncertainty, unforeseen complications to deal with and the dawning awareness that life will never be the same again. There may also be siblings competing for precious reserves of time, energy and focus, the reactions of others to deal with, and possibly forms of exclusion or discrimination. All of this can be incredibly overwhelming for a couple, stretching the bond between them. And for these reasons, there is a higher risk of relationship breakdown.

The blame game
Each partner is likely to react differently and come to terms with the situation on a different timeframe, which can cause a sense of disconnection. When we’re feeling disconnected from a partner, conflict is more likely. But this can help to discharge tension, so knowing how to manage conflict is important.

Couples who tend to make it through are those who don’t allow the stress to translate into blame. Blame is a common coping mechanism when we feel overwhelmed. Rather than recognising or acknowledging the complexity of a situation and the multitude of feelings associated with it, we try to cope by focusing on one aspect of it only (often on something a partner has said or done) and all our emotional energy turns into anger, which is then directed at something or someone else. This might be each other, or sometimes parents blame themselves, God or fate, which can lead to feelings of powerlessness and depression.

Keeping it together
A child’s condition can affect other aspects of parents’ lives, such as their self-esteem or sense of identity. Social lives can be disrupted, stress can affect the desire for intimacy, spirituality can even be affected, and each of these can also affect a partner.

To protect a relationship, it’s vital a couple know how to work as a team, and to expect and accept that different reactions will arise for each. Agree to talk openly about stresses, concerns and feelings, and see a relationship counsellor if needed to start this off. Monitor stress levels and practise good self and relationship care. While it won’t lessen the issues your child may have to face, accepting the challenges and managing them together at least creates a stronger family to support your little one into the future.

Elly Taylor is a relationship counsellor and writer. She created Parents Support Online, a support website for parents and is the author of Becoming Us: Loving, Learning and Growing Together — the Essential Relationship Guide for Parents.


More relationship advice from Elly: