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How many children is right for you?

When Sally-Anne McCormack’s father was planning his family, he had one pretty unusual goal. “He wanted there to be enough money so all his kids could have a matching lunch box and drink bottle,” says Sally-Anne, now a family psychologist with ParentsOnline.com.au.

It may seem trivial, but growing up in a family of nine, her dad never enjoyed that small privilege and decided finances were important when determining his own family’s size. He and Sally-Anne’s mum settled on having two kids.

For others, money plays second fiddle to lifestyle, career or the desire to have lots of littlies about. “I always had a vision of a large family being fun and full of life,” says Naomi Ellis, a Brisbane mum of seven. “I was also aware that it required hard work and sacrifice, but was prepared to put in that effort. I’m not from a large family so am living my dream.”

Want to live your own dream? “Decisions about timing, spacing and number of children in your family are some of the most important ones that you can make,” says Dr Alan Singer, author of Creating Your Perfect Family Size (Jossey-Bass, $22.95). It’s important, then, to take the time to really think and talk to your partner about why you want kids and what your expectations are before you start, he says, adding that while there’s no one ideal family size, there may an ideal family size for you.

“And although there are many issues to consider – including health, career, lifestyle, finances and deeper issues such as culture and tradition – there is really only one basic guideline: you should have as many or as few children as you fervently want, whether that’s one or 11, provided you and your partner think it through,” says Dr Singer.

Here are some of those other things to think about:

Health and fertility
Planning to have lots of kids? Since age can be a limiting factor, you may need to get cracking. According to Family Planning NSW, most couples will fall pregnant within the first 12 months of trying, however women over the age of 35 or who smoke can take twice as long to conceive. After the age of 40, only two in five women wishing to conceive will be able to do so naturally.

IVF is not always the answer, adds Dr Louise Farrell, Vice President of Women’s Health at The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists. “We do have situations where people don’t achieve pregnancy even with IVF and a lot of the problems could be age-related,” she says.
There is a general decline in male fertility with age, too, although it’s not as definitive as in women, and older pregnancies do have increased risks. “Nature isn’t terribly kind to older women having babies. From a purely medical point of view, women labour better and have fewer complications the younger they are,” Dr Farrell says. “So if you want a large family and that’s your principle focus, you’re probably best to start in your early 20s.”

Also, while there’s no ideal family size health-wise, Dr Farrell says there can be risks after the fifth child. She recommends leaving at least 18 months between pregnancies for your body to recover, so factor this into your planning.

Family dynamics
Some parents want to lavish all their attention on just one child, while others think the more the merrier. No matter what, you need to be conscious of each child’s place in the family dynamic, says Sally-Anne. “An only child has a totally different experience of life to someone who has five younger siblings. There’s no ideal number, but if you have a single child you do need to give him experiences with other children his age.”

As a mother of four, Sally-Anne also says having three kids can put the second child at risk of ‘middle-child syndrome’, but she doesn’t suggest having more kids simply to even the numbers! Similarly, it’s not a good idea to have another baby to try for the opposite sex, she says. “If a boy hears that Mum was really hoping for a baby sister, then he feels like a failure.”

Having a child to try to repair your relationship is another decision Sally-Anne advises against. “It’s not healthy for a child to be born with a job,” she says. “It will add stress and resentment, and you don’t want the child to be a target of a resentful parent.”

Some parents deliberately choose to have their kids close in age to provide playmates or to get all the baby making out of the way, while others leave a long gap to enjoy each child separately, or to avoid sibling rivalry.

No matter what, you need to be ready before you go again, says Dr Singer. “If both parents are in good health, their marriage is sturdy and they treasure their first child and dearly want another, then having another child is appropriate.”

Worried you won’t have enough love to go around? Love is like the flame of a candle, says Sally-Anne. “Your candle of love can be shared multiple times, it doesn’t take away anything from you. There’s not
a finite amount of love.”

Finances
Money, however, is finite, which is why you need to consider your budget, too, says private wealth advisor Analaura Luna, from Your Family Your Money. “It’s sad to think we live in a world where people are basing their baby dreams around their budget, but a recent survey revealed that almost half of respondents felt they couldn’t afford to have another baby, so clearly financial position is having a big impact.”

Analaura says the ideal family size is the one that you can comfortably support without money stress and this, of course, will differ for each couple. You need some financial security before you start, a sound budget and an idea of future costs such as childcare. She also says that, if you receive it, putting your Baby Bonus aside for emergencies is a top idea.

While you can save with bulk buying and hand-me-downs, each new child will bring new costs. “For example, families moving from three kids to four may need to move from a sedan to a seven-seater car and may need
a larger house. These are significant capital expense items that seriously need to be considered,” Analaura says.

It’s no secret that kids are expensive, she continues. “It’s been estimated that the cost of raising an ‘average’ number of kids to the age of 24 will total around $1 million, so even taking the hand-me-downs into consideration, having kids is an expensive exercise! Being able to afford to have a baby is an important consideration as it can take some of the pressure off, but there’s more to deciding to have a family than crunching numbers in a spreadsheet.”

Lifestyle and career
When career coach Sally-Anne Blanshard emigrated to Australia from the UK seven years ago, she and her partner wanted to focus on rebuilding their careers before starting a family. “We started three years ago at age 33,” she says. “We will stop at two kids in order to continue to develop our career and be able to travel.”

These are valid considerations, says psychologist Sally-Anne McCormack. “You won’t have your children forever – there is life after that and you do need to look after yourself and your career if it’s important to you. Besides, if we enrich our lives, that brings value to our children and we become good role models.”

Social pressure and fate
Finally, you need to ask yourself the big question: “Why am I having another child?” If you’re doing it to appease the in-laws or keep up with friends, take a deep breath, says Dr Singer. “If you’re feeling this kind of pressure, take some time to get to know your own mind before plunging ahead.”

Flexibility is also okay, says psychologist Sally-Anne. “Sometimes people can’t have the amount of children they want, so as with all goals, we set ideals and then go with the flow. But don’t just keep having kids because you don’t have a finite limit. Get to an initial goal and then re-evaluate as you go.”

And remember, fate may have its own ideas, as Nikki Hills, managing director of Mouths of Mums discovered. “We had two boys but I felt I wanted more noise in the house,” she says. “Fate intervened when my second son was eight months old and I fell pregnant with a daughter. Happy life, happy wife. Fate knocked again when we brought our daughter home – my second son died in his sleep that night. Our world was rocked, and while you can never replace a child, as time passed I needed to ‘restore the family dynamic’ so our fourth child, another girl, was welcomed with open arms. Five years, four children and one very floppy tummy later, here we are. Do we really have a choice in the size of our family? Yes, no, maybe, maybe not!”

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