Is your partner away a lot?

Couples with young children have plenty of challenges to face together, but what happens when one partner has a FIFO (fly in, fly out) job, such as in mining or defence, that means the other is a part-time single parent? Part-time parenting is challenging and any financial benefits first need to be weighed against the practical and emotional costs for the whole family.

Acknowledging the challenges
A FIFO situation typically means the partner at home is stretched and has to juggle more, and small children can become more attached to the permanent caregiver, which means they don't always get a break when their partner is home. Children can become irritable, sleeping patterns may be disturbed, kids may creep back into your bed... with all this going on it's easy to become resentful, not just towards the FIFO partner, but towards the children's extra demands as well, because at the same time there are less resources to meet them. Some 'weekend dads' are more playmates than parents, leaving mums more frustrated and resentful. Meanwhile, the working partner can feel stretched and guilty too, trapped between feeling that their main responsibility is to feather their nest and that a good wage is looking after their family, and the guilt of not being there all the time. Some of these partners may have little idea how difficult it is for one person to do everything else back at home, while others feel locked into a particular job and lack the confidence to take the risk of leaving or having to retrain, and the expenses that can accompany this. When they're home, FIFO partners can miss out on the bonding and be frustrated and resentful themselves.

Talking it out
Each parent in a FIFO family can feel lonely and isolated, and this can contribute to depression. To make it work, it's important to recognise that both partners have to make sacrifices. If those sacrifices become too much, particularly in terms of mental health (and that will depend on many factors), the situation may have to change. To work with it, couples need to talk about the challenges, as understanding will reduce any ill feelings on both sides. When partners understand what it's like when routines are disrupted, that it takes days to get kids back into one, or that different parenting styles don't mesh, they are more likely to cooperate with the conditions that make it easier for the permanent carer to cope. It's important for both partners to readjust expectations.

In any situation, if we rely on our partner to meet all of our needs it will create resentment at the times that person can't. Friends, wider family or professionals can meet needs for support. Focus on what's important. Partners who work away from home need to 'land' when they come home. Plan for a readjustment period when the priority is just to rest, relax and reconnect as a couple and as family. Everything else can wait.

5 WAYS TO COPE WITH ABSENCES

1. Make sure eating, bath and bedtime routines continue unaffected as much as possible. This provides stability for children.

2. Any changes can cause anxiety, so keep stresses to a minimum.

3. Ask for help and say yes to offers. Hire a babysitter so you get regular time out.

4. Communicate regularly (preferably face-to-face, such as through Skype). Some tasks can still be shared, such as a FIFO father reading a bedtime story as part of the night-time routine.

5. Encourage employers to take some responsibility. Suggest they link you up with others in the same situation, for example.

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