Yahoo Lifestyle Why it's okay to feel sad
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The other day, my friend Leah (which may or may not be her real name) sent me a text. “I hate it when my first reaction to good news is envy and not joy,” she wrote.
“What is it?” I messaged back, but I thought I already knew. “Kellie just told me she’s pregnant,” she replied.
I’d been right. Leah has two children already, but she’s longing for a third. The doctors have told her it’s highly unlikely due to a medical condition that has compromised her fertility. Leah is overwhelmingly grateful for the daughters she has, but can’t help but miss the third who would have completed her family. So when she learns of the pregnancy of a close friend, she feels envy instead of delight, pain instead of joy. And she hates herself for her feelings, because she feels selfish, thankless and mean.
It was like a punch in the stomach
Leah hasn’t articulated exactly how she feels, but I understand it, because I’ve felt that way myself. I was desperate for a third child for years before I managed to get pregnant. And I watched friend after friend getting pregnant with theirs, feeling happy for them, but mostly sad for myself. I didn’t want to feel that way. I wanted to share in their joy. But I felt what I felt and nothing would take my longing away.
I remember one very dark day, shortly after I’d miscarried for the third time. I met my friend Sally at the park, and she looked radiant. “I’m pregnant!” she told me, and I promptly burst into tears. It was like a punch in the stomach, another reminder of the future baby I had lost. I hugged her, and told her I was happy for her, and then hurried back home, where I sobbed into my daughter’s hair until I regained my composure.
I felt so guilty that day. I felt guilty like Leah feels guilty. But Sally understood, and she forgave me, because she knew how much I loved her. She knew that it was my loss that I was crying for, and not her wonderful news.
Friendship and forgiveness
It’s okay to feel pain when someone else is feeling joy. It’s okay to feel longing when someone else is feeling fulfilled. It’s normal and it’s human and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It just means you’re sad or hurting for reasons of your own.
A good friend won’t resent you for not sharing in her joy. She will understand that you’re suffering, and appreciate any effort you make to acknowledge her good news despite your own pain. And she will give you the space and freedom to feel what you need to feel.
I hope fervently that Leah will eventually have her third child, and I hope that, if she can’t, she comes to terms with it soon. Either way, I hope she forgives herself for being sad.
It’s not a sign that she doesn’t love her friend. It’s a sign of how much she would love to have another baby.
More from Kerri Sackville:
Kerri Sackville is the author of When My Husband Does the Dishes... and The Little Book of Anxiety.
