People Who Took Back Their Cheating Spouses Reveal What Happened Next

Can a marriage survive infidelity? To find out, we gathered responses from people on Quora who took back their cheating spouses and tried to save their marriage. Read on to see how things worked out:

1."I'm in my second year with my wife who cheated. We had couples therapy, and she promised never to do it again (mmmm). I can honestly say that although she is trying and things are good, there are several BUTS... I have minimal to zero trust in her now and don't think I ever will. The sex just isn't the same anymore; that spark has gone, and I'm not as bothered to have regular sex as before. I love and care for her, but I'm not in love with her as I was before the betrayal. Lies, betrayal, and cheating tend to have this effect on people."

—JayJay, Quora

2."I had a husband who cheated. He redeemed himself in every way, but there was always this feeling in the back of my mind. A couple of years later, when he came home from a business trip, I felt something was amiss. Then, my doctor called to remind me to come in for my yearly checkup. Really? I had just been there four months previously! Long story short, my husband had gonorrhea, passed it on to me, and had my doctor call me in with some kind of pretense so I would not find out. Needless to say, I divorced him. Once a cheater, always a cheater."

—Karin L.W., Quora

3."I've handled infidelity in my marriage, and instead of divorcing, I decided to forgive, learn, and rebuild my marriage. I didn't do it for the kids. I didn't do it for her. I did it because I wanted to. I wanted to work things out. I hated every fiber of what she did. I love my wife. I've never not loved her; I just hated what she did. I say hated and not hate because it isn't something I think about. I share my experiences here, but these are not my daily thoughts. I'm thinking about our next vacation, not something that happened 15 years ago. We were different people 15 years ago. We have grown since then."

"I share this because, yes, your relationship can end if you want it to. Or you can try to save your relationship if you're indeed with the person you love. Whatever you decide will change you forever."

—Blake R., Quora

4."My boyfriend has changed in so many ways since he cheated. He keeps his phone unlocked at all times. He is thoughtful and considerate. He looks out for me, and I can't deny that he loves and treats me well. That said, the trust is gone. And although it is being rebuilt, there are so many triggers, and my threat perception is always present. Whereas before I felt this ease and security, it is now replaced with these creeping suspicions that it will happen again. I still get this intense well of anxiety and pain when I know he is talking to a woman he is working with. I am fearful of every woman."

"I'm a very attractive and high-status woman (not arrogant, just accurate), and he cheated on me with this really unattractive, low-life, trashy woman. I don't mean to be unkind, but she really has nothing going for her. I say that because now I have no clue who a 'threat' is. I see literally every woman as a threat. I fear that he secretly has a thing with another woman or is plotting his next girl in line.

Also, our sex has never recovered. Not to get too personal, but we were in the kink community and did a lot of BDSM. A lot of extremes. We used to have sex for three to four hours a day. And now we're very toned down. Since the trust isn't there, it's different. It's not as fun because, in my head, I will occasionally think about what the sex with 'her' was like. If he said and did the same things.

Finally, and most painfully, my confidence has not returned. I know that objectively I'm a '10,' according to many. I'm an amazing girlfriend; I'm educated, compassionate, and successful. But I still feel inadequate, like a second choice. My self-esteem has taken such a hit because I'll often judge myself for getting back with someone who disrespected me for so long and abandoned the home I created for us so he could pursue something with a toad. And even though he treats me well now, the damage and intense suffering I endured for six months makes me question both my sanity and my taste."

—Anonymous, Quora

5."I cheated on my husband. He stayed with me, but 10 years later, I know he still hasn't forgiven me. I was in a very dark place when I did that, and no, it wasn't an affair. It was just sexual, but it lowered my value in my husband's eyes. It's easier for a man to come back from cheating than a woman. I'm not the same woman I was then, that's for sure. But it still causes bitterness between us. My answer is yes, you can forgive. Forgetting is the problem. Couples have come back from it, but very few."

—Avi J., Quora

6."My wife cheated on me. When I found out, it was like my entire life was lopsided and upside down. I was sick, angry, hostile, so deeply hurt. I felt dizzy, everything felt unreal. I decided to try to make it work. It was super rough. I tried to forgive her, but all of her lies and deceit throughout the years were intruding into my brain. I had to know everything. I would yell at her on trips and tell her how awful she was and ruin the trip. I left her and then got back together with her about 20 times. Every time I thought I could forgive, something would trigger me, and I would rage. I would find the smallest things to be mean about: 'I'm hungry for a pizza. Did you guys have pizza after you had sex? I bet you did, you slut! I bet you guys were real hungry after a marathon!'"

"She would cry. I would tell her she deserves worse. Then, I would leave angry and come back feeling sorry, sad, and confused. I would ask for explicit details and then get super pissed off and call her a whore.

It all came to a head when I told her the only way I could ever forgive her was if she experienced my pain. I told her that I was going to cheat on her to show her how it felt. She begged me not to. I reveled in her pain, and I did it anyway.

Then I went home and told her everything we did. I watched her cry in horror. At first, it felt good, then I asked myself, what the hell am I doing? I'm becoming just like her. I'm awful. What a crappy thing to do to someone.

We caused each other so much pain over eight months, then we separated for two. After that break and talk of divorce, we began to talk like we never had before. We talked about how we ever got to where we were. Why we cheated and hurt each other. We finally started understanding the problems in our marriage — the lack of intimacy, the cruelty, the resentment over problems we never dealt with, the neglect, the disrespectful comments, and the way we abused each other verbally.

We were finally understanding how it all blew up. Somehow, over a few months, anger, lies, and resentment turned into forgiveness. Somehow, we learned from it all and became better people. We stopped lying and deceiving each other. We created a safe environment to say anything, even things that sting and hurt.

We no longer had a Disneyland idea of what a marriage was supposed to be. We now didn't take each other for granted but took care of one another. We unlocked our phones and shared them. We gave each other our passwords and secret emails. We talked about private things that we kept from each other for over a decade. We admitted wrongs.

It has been over 10 years since then, and she is now my best friend, and we are so happy.

People who say, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater,' don't understand that life is more complicated than that. They prefer bitterness over forgiveness. I'm here to say that forgiveness is possible, but you have to be willing to put in a lot of work, have patience, and be willing to forgive."

—Jason M., Quora

7."I had a wife who cheated. She wanted to go to counseling. The relationship was okay afterward, but never the same. She cheated again. She married the guy she cheated with and jumped headfirst into the church. Her sister told me she wasn't happy but would never get divorced again. They've been together for about 40 years."

"Once, she showed up at my door, wanting to talk. I told her we could make an appointment to meet at Denny's and not to show up at my house again. She started crying, and I closed the door. Later, she took responsibility for her actions, and we both moved on."

—Thomas A.D., Quora

8."When I was young, I caught my husband with the neighbor from downstairs. I was 22, madly in love, and believed marriage was a sacrament. My pastor told me it was my duty to forgive him and change myself so that 'he won't need to cheat.' My counselor told me that marriage is a commitment and that it was my duty to figure out what I wasn't providing him to meet his needs so he wouldn't 'need to cheat.' My mother told me I had made my bed, so now I needed to lie in it. 'Men cheat,' she told me. My father told me that cheating 'isn't a big deal,' and that 'a man has needs.' (Yes, I asked for advice from the man who comes from a long line of cheaters and the woman who put up with it.)"

"I worked on myself and tried valiantly to rebuild the trust that *he* broke. He continued to cheat. We moved a thousand miles away from the affair partners so he could take his dream job. I found a new pastor and a new counselor. The counselor asked me what I was getting out of my marriage, and I didn't understand the question. *I* was supposed to GET something out of marriage?

When I was finally able to answer the question, I realized I wanted loyalty, trust, and commitment, and my husband had no interest in any of those things. It's impossible to build a marriage single-handedly, but it's very possible to destroy one all by oneself. I was divorced at 25. I will never again tolerate cheating."

—Ruby V., Quora

9."After my wife cheated, one of the marriage counselors we attended told us to forget about our marriage. That marriage was over. The question she posed was, 'Do you both want to create a new marriage?' I believe there was incredible wisdom in this statement. In the end, I asked for a divorce because I could no longer look at her."

"I absolutely encourage you to seek counseling now. Don't put it off. It takes time to recover. Recovery is easier if you have someone to talk to. I'd also suggest that you resist the temptation of poor life choices. I felt like trash after we separated due to the things that were done and said. I got into rebound relationships, sex, and alcohol. I probably hurt some people that didn't deserve it. Don't do this! I lost friends, family, religion, and many other important things in the divorce. It left a void in my life. I tried to fill the void with women, sex, alcohol, clothes, and cars. None of these things did the trick. I eventually became disgusted with myself for what I was doing.

Get counseling, make friends, attend support groups, and find worthwhile things to bring into your life."

—Anonymous, Quora

10."I believe once you break the spiritual bond (sex), you are no longer spiritually married to that person because two flesh become one. Just the way I was raised. It's in the Bible. My ex chose to break our bond. He did not tell me until after we reconciled five years ago. I thought I could forgive, but I suspect more was happening. Oh well. I'm glad that's over. It was so abusive, with women texting me crazy stuff and messages on Facebook from women. So yeah, cheating has consequences years down the line. I lost baby pictures of my kids because I was tired of being harassed on Facebook and had to delete my profile and start multiple profiles to make it harder on these people."

—Gwenwyvere, Quora

11."I’ve stayed after cheating. I stayed long enough to save money and start a new life elsewhere. Then, after I got myself together, I left him one day. An undisciplined man doesn’t deserve my time or to be in my life."

—Hannah B., Quora

12."I stayed for a while (a bit less than a year), working on the dynamic in dual counseling to make sure I could look my kids in the eyes with a clear conscience when they grow up knowing that I did every last thing I could to fix whatever was wrong in our relationship. It wasn’t worth it. If I had it to do over, I’d never subject my heart and head to the utter nonsense that follows cheating. It was too much."

"That extra time I stayed left me with more scars than necessary; several still haven’t fully healed, and it’s five years later. The cheating was hard enough to stomach, but his words trying to offload blame, justify himself, reduce me, and drag me down to his level brutalized my head and heart.

It was a two-decade marriage, and he had a midlife crisis. There was an out-of-the-blue motorcycle purchase with kids still in car seats, a plea for me to dabble in hallucinogenics with him (drugs were head-scratching enough given our squeaky clean history, but with babies around finally? No way.), unusual music choices, an arrogant and angry attitude which left me walking on eggshells, and his trying to make the case for an open marriage after I found evidence of the affair. All of this was from a real straight arrow and staunch lifelong nondrinker.

I would’ve been wiser to walk away immediately and not let the ‘save the marriage’ counseling games begin. I’m a deep believer in counseling, and still, I wouldn’t ever abuse myself by allowing myself to go through that medieval dungeon again.

I learned when he began revealing himself — there were things he’d repressed so deeply he didn’t even know who he was over the years. He was who he thought he ‘should’ be. It was sad and insulting because I’m open-minded, so his lack of trust was wasted. I’d always had his back and thought he had mine. It didn’t have to end the way it did. But it’s like he imploded, and I was taken down by debris or something. I can’t believe I came through it intact, thinking about it all sometimes. His begging me not to leave him, the long, drawn-out tug and pull of that messed me up good, too.

What a waste of about five prime years conscientiously trying to navigate it all ‘for the kids.’ Never again. Ever.

Cheating is a revealer, not of the spouse, but of the damage in the person cheating. It’s also a spotlight, shining a light on deficiencies, poor coping skills, and deficient communication skills in the person cheating — not the spouse."

—Anonymous, Quora

Did you take back a cheating spouse? If so, how did it go afterward? Let us know in the comments or via this anonymous form and you could be featured in a future BuzzFeed Community post.