Parents Who Aren't Close With Their Adult Kids Often Have These 12 Traits, Psychologists Say

Beth Ann Mayer
·9-min read

Relationships naturally shift as children reach adulthood, and parents and adult children may become more like "friends." However, this closeness doesn't always happen, and relationships can be challenging, especially when they shift. 

Research published in 2023 found that 26% of respondents reported periods of estrangement from their fathers, with 6% of people saying the same about their moms.   

"The loss of a relationship with our adult children—or even the thought of the possibility of the loss—can be devastating," says Dr. Brett Biller, Psy.D., a psychologist at Hackensack University Medical Center. "Relationships are not easy, particularly when it is with our adult children. "

Dr. Biller points to changing dynamics and certain qualities as potential pain points in relationships between parents and their adult children. He and two other psychologists share 12 common traits in parents who aren't close with their adult kids.

Related: The 2 Most Obvious Signs of an Unhealthy Parent-Adult-Child Relationship

12 Traits of Parents Who Aren't Close With Their Adult Kids, According to Psychologists

1. Unrealistic expectations

It's natural to want to see a child do well. However, it can go too far.

"There is a difference between supporting and encouraging a child versus setting too high of expectations that are not attainable or unrealistic," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.."It is also possible that a parent will hold a child to a standard that is not appropriate for the age of their child but will be appropriate in a few more years."

As a result, Dr. Goldman says adult children may feel they'll never be "good enough" for their parents, which can affect their closeness.

2. Lack of boundaries

Respecting boundaries—even ones you don't like—is important in any relationship. This respect is especially crucial in relationships with adult children, who have flown the nest, formed their own opinions and perhaps families and deserve space.  

"Lack of boundaries by the parent can be perceived as intrusive and disrespectful to the individuated adult child despite the parent maintaining a perception that their actions are demonstrations of ongoing love and support," Dr. Biller says.

3. Opinionated parents

You know what they say about opinions and belly buttons, but do you know the harm of constantly sharing your hot take with an adult child?

"Opinionated parents, particularly those who routinely express and repeat their opinions, can cause conflict that will negatively impact a desire for a close relationship," Dr. Biller says.

Related: 5 Phrases to Counter (Unjustified) Criticism, According to a Therapist

4. Excessive criticism

A parent's' opinion can especially sting if its critical of the adult child. Ditto for pain and resentment stemming from excessive criticism during childhood.

"When a child is criticized excessively, it creates an emotional disconnect with the parent because the child often feels like they will never be good enough or measure up to that parent’s expectations," says Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, PsyD, LPC-S, a psychologist specializing in family counseling and relationships with Thriveworks.

Trying seems futile. 

"They would rather find their peace by creating distance," Dr. Vaughan says.

5. Lack of active listening

Active listening requires people to refrain from interrupting or spending the entire time thinking up a response. It promotes empathy and understanding, two pillars of healthy relationships.

"A lack of active listening...will leave the child feeling like their concerns, points of view and emotions are never validated," Dr. Vaughan says. "When a child grows into an adult that does not feel validated or understood, they create distance to protect their thoughts and feelings."

6. Difficulty expressing affection

Affection is affirming and helps establish a secure attachment.

"A child who was not affirmed or did not receive loving physical touch, such as hugs, tickles and kisses on the cheek, will have a hard time emotionally connecting with their parent as an adult," Dr. Vaughan says.

Related: 9 Outdated Relationship Dynamics Family Therapists Are Begging Parents To Stop Doing With Their Adult Kids

7. Emotional invalidation

Dr. Goldman thinks some parents have good intentions but find emotional validation challenging. For instance, many parents will immediately say, "You're OK," if a child falls, hurts themselves, and starts crying. 

To be clear, most parents will say something like "You're OK" to a crying child here and there, and Dr. Goldman says these instances won't cause long-term harm.

"Chronic invalidation of emotions is where the problem occurs for the child and parent relationship.," Dr. Goldman stresses. "Chronic emotional invalidation, or the constant messaging that the child’s emotions are not right or not accurate, can be quite harmful."

Dr. Goldman says it can cause the child to distrust themselves and their parents, creating a rift.

8. Controlling behavior

Parents make a ton of decisions for their children, especially early on. Think the types of diapers to use, or the first foods to introduce to an infant. However, these dynamics naturally shift in most relationships over time—or at least they should.

"When a parent or parents try to control and dictate their adult child’s life decisions, they may inadvertently push them away as the adult child tries to establish autonomy and independence," Dr. Vaughan says. "This behavior may even cause full rebellion, even if they know the parent or parents are right and only want the best for them."

For instance, Dr. Vaughan says adult kids may do the opposite of a parent's advice (even if the adult child asked for input).

9. Inconsistent parenting

Chronic inconsistencies, like entering and exiting a child's life or emotional neglect, can breed long-term trust issues.

"Over time, even when the parent is present and available, the child comes to expect they cannot maintain that level of parenting and anticipate being left alone—and not necessarily physically," Dr. Goldman says.

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10. Narcissism

This term has become buzzy and misunderstood. However, narcissistic parenting is real and can cause rifts.

"Narcissistic parents create a dynamic by which they suffocate the environment with ongoing efforts to garner attention," Dr. Biller says. "The narcissistic parent's occupation of the environment does not allow sufficient space to allow a place for the developing and eventually the adult child."

Other times, Dr. Biller says that adult children may feel pressure to meet their narcissistic caregiver's emotional needs. This dynamic creates a situation where love feels conditional based on an adult child's continued achievement. The pressure is real—and unwanted. Dr. Biller says adult children may (understandably) want to separate or at least keep a narcissistic parent at arm's length to protect their peace.

11. Self-absorbed without self-awareness

In the most severe cases, self-absorbed parents can also be narcissistic. However, that's not always true. 

"Parents who are self-absorbed frequently do not create time to maintain contact with their adult children," Dr. Biller says. "The self-absorbed parents may have a full schedule of activities."

While life is hectic and non-traditional work schedules can happen, it's also not the fault of an adult child, Dr. Biller says. Blaming the adult child for these things is problematic.

"The self-absorbed parent has minimal capacity for insight or self-reflection regarding their actions, which contribute to a distant relationship with their adult child," Dr. Biller says.

12. Divergent values

"Family values" can diverge as children mature, establish a unique worldview and become adults.

"Although our initial values and beliefs are established based on what we are introduced to through family traditions, as we mature into adulthood, we are exposed to vast opinions and beliefs," Dr. Biller says. "On occasion, when adult children walk a different ideological, political or religious path than their parents, the parents and/or the adult children may choose not to maintain a relationship with each other."

Sometimes, Dr. Biller says a parent may choose to distance themselves from an adult child or vice versa. Other times, the feelings about the need for distance are mutual.

Related: 7 Ways To Redirect a Heated Conversation During a Family Holiday Dinner, According to a Therapist

3 Tips for Healing Relationships With Adult Children

1. Acknowledge harm and take responsibility

Dr. Goldman says this is the No. 1 tip.

"Nothing meaningful can happen in repairing the relationship unless the parent recognizes how they contributed to the relational dynamics and begins to take steps to ensure that further harm is not enacted," Dr. Goldman says.

Related: Why Apologizing to Your Kids Is Important—Plus, Therapists Explain How To Do It Effectively

2. Respect the boundaries of your adult child

Parents who aren't close with their children can struggle with boundaries. However, they are vital to respect.

"Your adult child has set boundaries for a specific reason or reasons," Dr. Goldman says. 

You may want to skip to the part where you make up and evolve into a healthier relationship. However, your adult child may not be in the same place.

"All parties need to understand that boundaries are in place to keep everyone safe," Dr. Goldman says. "They are not a punishment, but instead a protective force. Respecting boundaries is an essential part of working on relationship repairs."

Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists

3. Be patient

Dr. Goldman stresses the importance of giving everyone time and space to process changes (and desires to change).

"Harm was not done overnight," Dr. Goldman says. "The parent-child relationship did not just magically become complex and difficult to navigate. It took—likely—years to result in the current distance between parent and child."

It will take time to repair, too, and there's no one-size-fits-all timeline. 

"Everyone processes and moves forward at different rates," Dr. Goldman says. "Patience and time are going to be imperative in the healing process."

Up Next:

Related: 14 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Children When You're Both Getting Triggered

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