Opinion: I'm child-free and I'm not selfish

Written by Tanya Williams, author of A Child-Free Happily Ever After.

The finger of judgement is often pointed in the direction of women, tearing apart their life, looks, and lifestyle.

Celebs cop it daily, publicly scrutinised for every photo they post and called out for every slightly controversial decision they make.

But ‘normal’ people do not escape unscathed either, with incidences of trolling and social media bullying escalating out of control.

For women like me, who choose not to have children, the judgments can be vicious and derisive.

More and more women are choosing not to have children. They are no longer a rare breed. Yet the comments from family, friends and complete strangers have a sting to it when they weigh into a deeply personal decision.

Sadly, the decision comes with consequences and a lot of judgement.

Society has a hard time wrapping its head around the fact that some women do not want to have children. When faced with this anomaly, it is too hard for people to understand because it doesn’t fit with what we have been raised to accept as normal.

But why is it ok to question one woman’s right not to have children, but not a women’s right to have children?

Does a woman’s life only have value if we are having babies and looking after people?

Why do we feel the need to judge others, whose lives do not directly impact us, who are not hurting us with their choices?

Alicia Young, author of Two Eggs, Two Kids, is also child-free. When she made the decision not have children, it was meet with dismissal from friends and family.

“Our family and friends never said anything awful. Initially they dismissed my/our choice (you’ll change your mind), then urged us to reconsider to avoid regret later,” she says.

“My mother all but doused me in holy water (along with prayers), in the hope I would change my mind.

“Parents naturally feel they’re being deprived of grandchildren. I understand that, and they want us to experience the joy children bring.”

For Alicia, it was the comments from people she did not know that had the most sting.

“Sometimes it’s a dismissive look – from derision to pity. Other times, they say directly or imply that: You’re selfish, or that I must be career-driven.

“Well, a career won’t look after you when you’re old. Um, no…? And with respect, there’s no guarantee your children will look after you in later life either.”

Meanwhile Sheena Ireland’s decision to be child-free has been met with the assumption she hates kids.

“Like many women who chose to be child-free, I get asked about why I don’t like kids (um, I love kids), and I get told how I will change my mind (don’t you love it when everyone knows you better than you do… apparently),” she says.

“I think not having kids allows me to better support the parents and kids around me, and it helps me, and my partner lead the life we want.

“It is true that many see this as selfish or even a mistake, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve developed thicker skin around this and the confidence to talk about my choice.”

At the end of the day, the choice to have or not have children is down to each individual woman.

We should not be apologising to anyone for making a choice that impacts our life. Choice, with a big, fat capital C.

A woman’s choices must fit her own needs and desires, not the expectations of family, friends and society.

No matter how well meaning the people are who question our choice not to have children, it is our choice not theirs. Just because someone’s life choice is different doesn’t mean they do not deserve respect and support.

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