The One Question That Could Help You Determine if Your Boss Is a Narcissist

"Toxic workplaces" have become a hot topic on social media amid mass layoffs and an ever-changing economy. Ditto for narcissism. The idea that it's possible to have a "narcissistic boss?" Some may think it sounds like a TikTok creation.

"The words narcissist or narcissism appear everywhere in popular culture; deciding who is or isn't a narcissist seems to be a collective preoccupation," says Stephanie Manes, LCSW, a psychotherapist. Of course, the label is wildly over-applied."

Clinically, Manes explains narcissist is a shorthand label for someone with a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

"NPD is a psychological condition that presents with a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy," Manes says.

TL;DR: Probably not someone you want overseeing your job security, salary recommendations and day-to-day tasks. 

"While most people aren't in the business of making a psychological diagnosis, it can be helpful to understand aspects of NPD that are most likely to cause trouble in interpersonal relationships," Manes says. "If your boss has NPD, that relationship can wreak havoc on your quality of life."

While we typically think of a supervisor as doing most of the asking (and commanding), one key question can help you determine if your boss is a narcissist. Mental health professionals shared the question and the answer that's a total red flag.

Related: 13 Red Flags of Gaslighting at Work and How to Respond, According to Psychologists

The No. 1 Question To Ask Your Boss To Find Out if They're a Narcissist

If you suspect your boss (or would-be supervisor) is a narcissist, experts recommend asking about mistakes, including theirs. Dr. Elizabeth Barlow, LCSW of Kinder Mind, suggests: "How do you handle mistakes, both yours and your team's?"

"Look for accountability and support rather than blame-shifting," Dr. Barlow says.

Dr. Noah Kass, DSW, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist, made a similar recommendation: "Can you describe a time when you made a mistake?"

"This question helps gauge their ability to acknowledge and learn from errors, a trait that narcissists often lack because it challenges their need to maintain a superior self-image," Dr. Kass says. "A response that deflects or avoids admitting mistakes may indicate a reluctance to share the spotlight or a lack of openness to collective, team-based growth."

3 Other Questions To Help Determine Your Boss Is a Narcissist

You're not going to make any official diagnosis. However, digging a bit deeper by asking a few other questions can help further confirm your suspicions that your boss is a narcissist. Dr. Barlow suggests questions:

• "Can you describe a time when you had to give critical feedback to an employee and how you handled it?" Dr. Barlow says this question can clue you into their empathy and approach to criticism.

• How do you celebrate team successes? "A narcissist might downplay team efforts and focus on their own role," Dr. Barlow says.

• "Can you give an example of how you support your team's professional growth?" A person with NPD will have a hard time answering this one because they struggle with empathy and thinking about others.

Related: 155 Fun and Spicy 'Hot Seat Questions' to Ask Your Friends, Partner or Coworkers

Signs Your Boss Is a Narcissist

Narcissists can be skilled at hiding it—especially at first. It's not always about what they say but what they do and how they make you feel.

"I believe rather than being able to gauge whether someone is a narcissist is or not is how they make you feel," says Jeanie Y. Chang, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder and CEO of Noona’s Noonchi, LLC.

Chang says narcissistic behavior includes gaslighting.

"You question your skills, whether you belong there in the workplace and whether you can do your job," Chang says. "It’s because a narcissist seeks to make someone feel bad to make themselves feel good. The behavior is intentional though not necessarily to be spiteful."

Dr. Kass says other signs include:

• Grandiosity, such as excessively boasting about their achievements or the company’s success and taking all the credit

• Lack of empathy, like not acknowledging others' efforts

• Entitlement and arrogance, such as dominating conversations.

Related: 22 Surprising Phrases That Make You 'Instantly Unlikable,' Psychologists Warn

How To Manage a Narcissistic Boss

1. Avoid challenging them...

While your challenges may be valid, it's a losing battle.

"People NPD want you to admire them and to make them look good—period," Manes says. "They cannot tolerate any hint that...they made a mistake or that you might know more than they do. If you do challenge them or even inadvertently point out a failing, you will likely be on the receiving end of overt or covert rage."

The best workaround?

"Just don't do it," Manes says. 

Plan B and C? 

"If you need to change course, find a way to go work around them," Manes says. "Or, see if you can repackage what you need to tell them in a way that does not implicate any weakness on their part. Always start with admiration, and you might be able to sneak through the back door."

Related: 9 Red Flags of Workplace Manipulation and How to Respond, According to Psychologists

2. ...But Don't Bend Over Backwards

Boundaries are still important even if you work for someone who doesn't take kindly to challenges.

"The more you try to appease a narcissist for a boss, the worse it is, and it only ends up backfiring because it’s enough for them," Chang says. "They know you’re trying to appease them, and they’ll see what you're doing as annoying. What you can do is maintain your boundaries as best as you can and reset them each day."

Dr. Kass agrees.

"Clearly specify your responsibilities to avoid being taken advantage of," Dr. Kass says.

3. Keep it professional

As an extension of boundaries, limit what you reveal to your boss.

"Keep interactions focused on work-related matters and avoid emotional confrontations," Dr. Kass says. "Limit the personal information you share. Share only the necessary details with your boss. You don’t want them to use personal information against you."

Related: 9 Surprising Things You Should Never, Ever Reveal About Yourself and Why, According to Psychologists

4. Document and seek support

Engaging with narcissists can be psychologically harmful. When the person is your boss, it can also carry financial risks. Cover yourself by keeping receipts.

"Document all interactions and decisions—this is crucial if disputes arise," Dr. Kass explains. 

You may need help from within or outside the organization if the situation becomes untenable.

"Seek support from HR or a mental health professional to help navigate the challenges and protect your emotional health," Dr. Kass suggests.

Sometimes? Self-care is finding a new job that doesn't involve a narcissistic boss.

"In the end, they are to be stayed away from at all cost," Dr. Kass says.

Up Next:

Related: This is the No. 1 Sneaky Sign of Workplace Burnout To Look Out for Before It's Too Late

Expert Sources

• Stephanie Manes, LCSW, a psychotherapist

• Dr. Elizabeth Barlow, LCSW of Kinder Mind

• Dr. Noah Kass, DSW, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist

• Jeanie Y. Chang, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder and CEO of Noona’s Noonchi, LLC