Nick is officially over the 'mean girls' antics

By Deirdre Fidge

Holy Moses, what did we just watch?! After last night’s Gaslighting 101 seminar, it’s fair to say some people needed a good kick up the bum. So why does it feel so unsatisfying?

BUT FIRST. Let’s start at the beginning, with a group date.

Apparently Nick loved school swimming carnivals as a child, unlike the rest of us who would scream and hide behind trees to avoid having to flail awkward in large bodies of water filled with our classmates’ urine.

Wait now I see why they chose this theme… this episode brought to you by bikini wax. Source: Ten

As we’ve seen in previous weeks, Osher has devised a host of incredibly weird ‘games’ for the women to play. Surprisingly, these often involve skin-tight clothing and plenty of squealing.

Look, we’ve all confused ‘doggy style’ with ‘doggy paddle’, which is why some of us are banned from teaching swimming lessons at the local splish-splash. Source: Ten
Little do the girls know that the balls are filled with not air, but DEADLY POISON and if they burst their internal organs will MELT and their eyeballs will BURST- oh soz, that’s actually the theme of my Bachie fanfic. My bad. Source: Ten

Thankfully, it appears the producers did in fact receive the several hand-scrawled letters I posted asking for more zorb ball content, because…

ZORB! ZORB! ZORB! (I’m chanting). Source: Ten
Moist, comfortable, safe: just like being back in the womb. Source: Ten
Thrilled to announce the new brand of comedy for 2018 is ‘hot women falling down inside large plastic spheres’. Source: Ten

Emily wins, giving her a single date with Nick and future career prospects of hamster.

When someone you’ve never spoken to says they can see into your soul. Source: Ten

She gets a rose and we get an ad break and then boy howdy, time for another single date! Much to Cat’s disapproval, the lucky gal is Brooke.

No smoochies for you, Punky Brewster. Source: Ten

Instead of hot air balloons or speedboats, today’s date involves far less of an OH&S risk: describing each other’s appearance to an artist who can’t see them.

I did a Masters of Fine Art for this shit?” Source: Ten
It’s a weird as heck concept so naturally Nick’s frothin’ for it. Source: Ten
If you saw these two outside Footscray 7/11 last Friday night please contact Crimestoppers. Source: Ten

But while those two play Pictionary, the mean girls are concocting a scheme to chat with Nick, Cat even planning to shed some tears. Dun dun dun.

And these are the women who hate fake people? GO SLEEP IN THE POOL, YOU MEAN-SPIRITED TWITS. Source: Ten

Suddenly it’s COCKTAIL PARTY TIME. Hold onto your togas, everyone. The gals are dressed as Greek goddesses for literally no reason and Brittany is giving us serious Year 10 Bacardi breezer house party vibes.

David Attenborough: after 43 conga line suggestions, the female eventually retreats to the sidelines. Source: Ten

We can presume the exploitative producer who kept shouting ‘babe. Babe. Babe’ at Tenille told Nick about the lousy behaviour from Romy, Cat and Alicia, because he grabs Tenille for a chat.

t’s not throwing anyone under a bus if he explicitly asks who the bullies are, by the way. Source: Ten
“What’ll happen if he finds out that we are enormous immature assholes? Surely not retribution?” Source: Ten

He beelines for Cat the Mean Queen (even though Romy was far more atrocious yesterday but look, he’s not always around and he’s wearing a toga – give the guy a break) and role-plays healthy adult communication with direct questions.

The look of someone finally being held accountable for their actions. Source: Ten

He tells her it’s time to leave and the entire nation cheers and applauds.

Hooray!!!! We never have to hear her yammer about Bali ever again! Source: Ten
The loyalty these drongos have to each other is baffling and should be psychologically analysed. Source: Ten

Welp, time for more farewells – the official rose ceremony. Romy should be shaking in her goddam Grecian sandals.

The face of a woman who threw any credibility ‘the future is female’ shirts had into a flaming bin. Source: Ten

So will Nick continue this level-headedness when choosing who else gets shipped out? Will he rightfully put Romy in her place given her aggressive verbal assault of Tenille?

NOPE. Nick, is that tight toga affecting your frontal lobe? Source: Ten
But what’s this? She chooses to adios herself! As the saying goes: good riddance to mean poopy-pants. Source: Ten
Spare a moment for Ol’ Lady Moonboot who can’t rush to the window to witness it. Source: Ten

Oh, and whoops! Nearly forgot about the actual non-rose-obtainers!

Bye Alicia (yay!) and Brittany (we will miss your conga spirit always). Source: Ten

WOWEE ZOWIE. Four farewells, two zorb balls and an awful lot of crocodile tears. Wish I could say I had more of a life to not be quite so keen for next week’s episode but after tonight, I’m all about honesty.

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