By Deirdre Fidge
It may have been the Queen’s Birthday in some states today, but we were the true recipients of gifts with yet another episode of Love Island to bless the start of our week. OK, blessing may be slightly overboard.
We begin with the gang getting to know Mac: who is she? What makes her tick? What is that weird-looking tattoo on her ankle? Who’s her favourite member of the Wu-Tang Clan? So many questions, so little time.
Natasha spends a lot of time crying which isn’t unusual for a young woman (at least that’s what I tell my fellow tram-goers every morning), fearing the upcoming Recoupling Ceremony will see her leave alone. It’s distressing to know that her eyesight, hearing and cognitive abilities have somehow become damaged… why else would you be sad none of these drongos are interested in you?
Elias, meanwhile, is enjoying being easily distracted by insects instead of thanking his lucky stars he gets to chat with gorgeous Francoise. We can assume that she, too, has taken a nasty bump to the head and her judgement is therefore skewed. Get Better Soon!
A bizarre semi-competition emerges when Jaxon refuses to accept he’s shorter than Mac, and Josh blurts out his height in centimetres. Masculinity is weird and sad. Thankfully, a text message from the Love Island Gods announces a barbecue is on for today. Sausies for everyone!
Over the grill, Josh and Grant spin yarns about the moon landing and these two believe the totally normal theory that it never actually happened. Wow. They’ve done it, they’ve actually done it! They’ve cracked the case.
If you thought this show couldn’t get any more inane – you’re in luck! The gang now strap balloons to their pants and thrust all over each other. You have no idea how much I wish I was joking.
If you’re anything like me, you then proceeded to throw your television set out the window out of sheer terror and dismay for our future generations. Luckily, the Channel Nine team have a decent live stream for these moments.
As my neighbour shouted something about a TV landing on her cat, Tayla on Love Island shouted ‘I GOT A TEXT’ several times.
The ceremony arrives – SOPHIE IS HERE!
Tensions are high: it is now time for Macaroni to choose her Yankie Doodle. And she chooses… Jaxon, despite him being almost a full centimetre shorter than her!
Of the remaining contestants, all existing happy couples select each other and sit back down reunited over a firepit, the most romantic of all pits.
Last up is Josh, busy from researching conspiracy theories (did you guys know the Queen is actually a lizard?) has to choose between the two weeping blondes, Cassidy and Natasha. Maybe he could fuse their bodies together and create Cassasha, the strongest woman alive!
Instead of performing Frankenstein-esque surgery, Josh chooses Cassidy.
What a wild ride! We can only hope that tomorrow’s episode brings more drama, more Sophie Monk, and even more stray cats.
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