How to have the best sex of your life

By Dr Ian Kerner

What's the best sex you've ever had?

Now there's a question that gets people thinking. (I'll pause here while you ponder it.) It's a line I use often in my work as a sex therapist and writer.

Since I became an author, I can't walk down the street without being stopped by someone: the UPS man, my building super, my upstairs neighbour - gee, I may know more about what turns on the guy behind the counter at my deli than his wife does. I've listened carefully to every man who would talk to me about sex - hundreds of them around the country.

It was all research for my book He Comes Next (HarperCollins, $39.99), the natural sequel to She Comes First (Souvenir, 44.95), which was a bit more fun to research, since it involved talking to lots of women about what gives them pleasure. My best-sex-ever question unlocks doors to memories, to taboos, to the contours of a man's sexual landscape - what turns him on. More important, it often reveals what's missing from his sex life now.

Not only do I hear about the best sex guys ever had, I hear about the best sex they never had - experiences they've always fantasised about or maybe experienced just one glorious time and can't get out of their heads. Though they're happy to tell me, a virtual stranger, they're often afraid to ask their partners for fear of offending or seeming weird. Public sex, threesomes, videotaping, domination - I get all the details, while the women in their lives hear nothing.

But it's easier to open up than you may think. It starts with a "lovemap", a term coined in 1980 by Dr John Money, of Johns Hopkins University, to describe "the sexual template expressed in every individual's erotic fantasies and practices". This lovemap informs your likes, dislikes, fantasies and fears. Great sex is about exploration and discovery, using each other's map. It's like finding buried treasure. Savvy?

The trick is in the asking. So I went back to a bunch of the women I interviewed for She Comes First and asked them what a man should say or do to get the sex he wants. Here's the resulting list of general principles and specific lessons. With these, the best sex you've ever had is still in your future.

Start in the shallow end

You have to ease your way into a fantasy. Acclimate her first. Here's something pulled my files from a 28-year-old woman named Jenny: "My boyfriend really wanted to have sex outdoors - like on the beach. I was reluctant, but he didn't pressure me. In fact, he did the opposite: he got me turned on about being a little exhibitionistic. First he would whisper sexy things in my ear when we were out at dinner with friends or caress my leg under the table. Next it was my idea to go to a club without wearing any panties and fool around in a dark hallway, then continue the action on the cab ride home. Now I have my own fantasy: a quickie in an elevator. Beats sand in the crotch."

The lesson: a fantasy starts as an idea. Plant it in her mind, then let it take root. Not only did Jenny's boyfriend not pressure her, he let her make the fantasy her own. If you're nervous, tell her you had a wild dream about her, then play coy: make her pry it out of you. You may find that she's extremely interested (and has had her own fantasies). Presenting your fantasy as a dream avoids making her feel like she isn't satisfying you. She can't blame you for having a sexy dream about her.

Talk before taping

Before we get to the exciting stuff, a quick lesson in sexual science. There are two common categories of sexual arousal: reflex-based and psychogenic. The former is stimulation through physical touch: rub here to activate. Psychogenic refers to mental stimulation and other sensory stimuli - from thinking sexy thoughts to seeing a miniskirt to smelling that perfume. Most relationships start out in a psychogenic mode (everything is new!) and gradually become reflex-based. And, too often, boring.

Scheduled sex can be a good thing for busy couples, but it can also represent the worst of reflex-based sex, a kind of forced sexuality. The key is to add psychogenic stimuli. This is where a fantasy, again, can help. First, enjoy talking about it.

"My boyfriend really wanted to make a sex tape," one woman told me. "At first I thought 'no way', but then he told me about the scenarios he wanted to film and it was really sexy stuff. He had this whole kidnapper/abductee thing and we got so turned on just talking about it, we didn't need the costumes or camera - although we did make use of some of his old neckties."

The lesson: arouse her mind and her body will follow. After years as a sex therapist, I've found that people don't get excited over making sex tapes because they want to sit down later and watch themselves in all their sweaty, hairy glory. They like it because exhibitionism and voyeurism are two of the most popular types of fantasy on both men's and women's lists. In my research, I've concluded there's a little bit of both in us all and it doesn't take much to turn us on.

One guy said the key to convincing his girlfriend to make a sex tape was "giving her control over the wardrobe. I handed her my credit card and told her to buy an outfit that made her feel sexy and comfortable, starting with the lingerie". That's an inspired move and she gets to keep the clothes.

Bonus tip: offer to tape without hitting the "record" button - the camera's mere presence can be exciting. Flip the camera's LCD screen around for an occasional glimpse or plug it into the TV so you're on-screen. That way you're on display, but not being recorded. The thrill of this audition could lead to recording later.

Make that threesome happen

This fantasy has become a pop-culture cliché, one that's more often talked about than actually acted upon. But threesomes do happen and I have the notes to prove it.

Angela, 32, said, "This guy kept talking about how hot it would be to have sex with two women and I felt like, 'What's wrong with me, am I not good enough on my own?' It really pissed me off. It was all about him and the fantasy seemed totally selfish. Then I started seeing this really nice guy and he told me he had a threesome fantasy. I thought, 'Oh no, here we go again.' But when I asked him why, he told me how beautiful I was and how sexy it would be to see me so turned on by another woman and how much he loved the idea of two sets of hands on my body at once. Well, when he put it that way, I liked the idea, too. He made it all about me - not just in words, but also in action - and it was a great experience."

The lesson: make sure she's the star of your fantasy, especially if it involves a supporting cast member. This is a sensitive issue with some women, so make sure everything is clear beforehand. As one 28-year-old man told me, "My girlfriend said she was willing to have a three-way, but I didn't want her to do it for me. I wanted her to do it with me. I told her she could back out and that I loved her no matter what and she really appreciated that. Then she gave it the thumbs-up. Man, did she ever."

Include her

Sounds simple, right? But it doesn't come naturally for guys who, let's face it, are used to doing certain things on their own: choosing porn, buying her lingerie, going to a strip club. Make her part of the process. It makes her think, which is half the battle.

"It used to drive me crazy that guys are so into porn," said Heather, 26. "I always felt like I was in competition with porn stars and their bodies. But my current boyfriend said it would just be something fun to do together and we went to the video store.

"In all honesty, I was kind of curious. I can't remember the movie we picked, Hannah Does Her Sisters or something like that. I do remember we laughed at it, but then tried some of the moves and positions. Now Friday night is our sexy-movie night and it's really kept our relationship hot."

The lesson: give her a chance to change her mind about porn. She literally may not know what she's missing. Mention this bit of science if you think it'll help: a study at the Washington University School of Medicine in St Louis measured brain-wave activity of 264 women as they viewed erotic imagery. It concluded that women have responses as strong as those seen in men.

My own research supports this - many women tell me privately that they enjoy porn, at least if it's well made. But I find that women have to feel comfortable in order to overcome societal taboos that keep them from admitting they might enjoy it. If she's still resistant, suggest watching a sex-education video together. The couples shown are not as intimidating as those in porn. And continuing education can be a wonderful thing; the take-home tests are really fun - no grading as long as you complete the assignment.

Let her take over

If you think you have a creative mind, wait till you hear what women are thinking about. "Act out my fantasy? It would be impossible," one woman told me. "I'd need a time machine and a guy with a 30-centimetre tongue." But it's fun to give her the opportunity to take the lead, especially when her fantasies involve things like tying you up and teasing you into exquisite oblivion.

I was surprised to find that nearly all the men I spoke with for He Comes Next had a fantasy of being dominated. I don't mean whips and chains - but simply letting a woman take charge. She's probably watched Sex and the City; give her a chance to turn some of that attitude into action.

"Exploring a fantasy is all about making a woman feel that she's not a freaky pervert for having them," Doug, 31, told me. "My wife is really into Paris and French culture, so I took her out for an amazing French dinner and then pulled out a book of erotica by Anais Nin later, when we were in bed. Let's just say Paris was burning."

The lesson: you're not the only one with fantasies. So encourage her to share hers. A US study by the University of Vermont shows that nearly 25 per cent of people feel guilty about their fantasies. No wonder it's so hard for us to talk about them.

I can also tell you, based on my clinical experience, that women need to be completely relaxed to enjoy sex. Brain scans of women during sexual arousal have shown that the areas of the brain that process fear, anxiety and emotion nearly shut down. She needs to let go of anxiety to reach orgasm.

So do as the man above did - introduce a fantasy while she's deep in her comfort zone. You could have the best sex of your life.