Unlucky in Love? It Might Be Han Solo’s Fault

Like every other adult male (or adult human being, for that matter) who grew up obsessed with Star Wars, I’m beyond excited for The Force Awakens.

I’m looking forward to it for a multitude of reasons. There’s promising evidence that this will be the first Star Wars movie since the original trilogy that doesn’t suck hard. And none of the characters appear to be racist stereotypes.

But above all, The Force Awakens looks amazing for one very important reason.

It’s got Han Solo. Han freaking Solo!

Just writing his name gives me goosebumps. When I was a kid, Han Solo was everything to me. I was pretty sure he was the perfect prototype for human existence. If I could just be like him, I’d have life figured out.

This was especially true when it came to relationships.

Was there any doubt that Han Solo had all the answers when it came to women? He was the archetype of the successful stud, the Hugh Hefner of intergalactic relationships, the unrivaled leader of all things l’amour.

He was the only suitor who managed to win the affections of Princess Leia. And it didn’t hurt that almost every girl in the real world was madly in love with Solo.

It didn’t take a huge leap of logic to figure out that if we could just be more like Solo, women would line up to be with us, possibly while wearing erotic metal bikinis.

Or so we thought. But Han Solo was a false god. He wasn’t giving us a road map for better living - he was feeding us a pack of lies that would haunt us for the rest of our lives.

He was like that uncle you idolised when you were a kid, the guy you thought was so cool and sophisticated, but then you get older and you’re like, “Wow. He’s been through two divorces, and now he lives alone in a studio apartment and sleeps on a futon. What the hell was I thinking?”

Han Solo once seemed like the perfect role model for love. But the Star Wars character gave us some of the worst advice for healthy relationships. Here are just a few of them.

1. HAN SOLO EXAMPLE: Leia helps him pay off his financial debts to Jabba the Hut.
HORRIBLE LOVE LESSON: Women are attracted to guys with bad credit.

2. HAN SOLO EXAMPLE: He continues to make romantic advances on Leia, despite her repeated refusals and insistence that she isn’t interested.
HORRIBLE LOVE LESSON: Not only does “no” really mean “yes,” it also means “Please force a kiss on me while I’m trying to do my job.”

3. HAN SOLO EXAMPLE: After saving Leia from the Death Star, he refuses to stay with her and join the Rebel Alliance.
HORRIBLE LOVE LESSON: The less you commit to a relationship, the more they want you.

4. HAN SOLO EXAMPLE: His spaceship, the Millennium Falcon, is an old, unreliable piece of crap that hardly ever makes it to light speed.
HORRIBLE LOVE LESSON: A man’s “spaceship” isn’t expected to take a woman to “light speed,” if you catch our drift.

5. HAN SOLO EXAMPLE: He’s a disrespectful smart ass, and constantly mocks Luke, the Rebels, and the Force.
HORRIBLE LOVE LESSON: It’s super-charming when a guy makes fun of a woman’s friends, career choices, and spiritual beliefs.

6. HAN SOLO EXAMPLE: Leia finally admits that she loves him after he’s captured by the Empire.
HORRIBLE LOVE LESSON: Women love “bad boys,” especially ones who get in trouble with the law.

7. HAN SOLO EXAMPLE: Leia risks her life to save him from Jabba’s lair.
HORRIBLE LOVE LESSON: No matter how badly a man screws up his life, a woman will be there to bail him out.

8. HAN SOLO EXAMPLE: His wingman is Chewbacca, a big, hairy Wookiee who communicates only with grunts and growls.
(maybe not so) HORRIBLE LOVE LESSON: If you believe, as at least one of our female staffers does, that Chewie isn’t so much a wingman as Han’s dog, well, this could actually be a positive.
“If a guy had a dog who knew how to shoot a crossbow and drive a car, I would totally give him my phone number,” she told us.

Okay, Han, we’ll give you this one.