6 Things To Say During “The Talk”

“99.9 percent of the time, sex is not about babies”

When Dan Savage’s son D.J. was nine years old, he confronted his two dads. “You and Daddy have sex for no reason! Two men can’t make a baby!” That’s when Savage, the author of several sex advice books and arguably America’s most prominent syndicated sex columnist, realised he may have botched the talk. “I left out the most important part: pleasure,” he says. But those communication fumbles are fine, he learned, as long as you correct them.


“Don’t rush it – but when it happens, use a condom”
Young people often think good sex is “just something that breaks out, that impulsiveness is evidence of authentic feeling”, says Savage. They may even feel that actively planning to get into someone’s pants is dirty. “We need to flip that,” he says. If your kids do want their first time to “find them”, warn that it could happen when they’re drunk or lack protection. Stress the importance of having a condom handy and knowing how to put it on.


“If talking to me is too weird, talk to Aunt Claire”
Don’t be afraid to delegate in a pinch. When Savage and his three siblings were teenagers, their mother appointed aunts to be their confidantes on all matters sexual. Those relatives were told not to report what they heard back to Savage’s parents. “They weren’t in our lives every day, so we didn’t have to see them constantly,” he says. “It wasn’t like we had to go to an adult who we would have to look in the eye every morning.”

MORE: The ready-for-kids checklist

“Whatever you want to watch is your business”
Yeah, this part of the discussion may feel especially awkward. But your teen is online, so he’s probably seen hours of porn. “Beginner” activities, such as mutual masturbation, aren’t typically emphasised in porn; but advanced, intense sex acts are. A lot of porn also has an undercurrent of anger. Tell your kids that porn doesn’t represent real-life sex. “Teach them to have a critical eye – to be thoughtful porn consumers,” Savage says.


“Everyone is into different things. I’ll leave it at that.”
“People who are kinky need to know that their life isn’t over because they’re into diapers or whatever,” Savage says. If you’re uncomfortable talking about, say, bondage to your 13-year-old, just mention atypical sexual interests when you bring up another must-discuss topic: consent. Savage’s script: “The craziest thing two people want to do together – if it’s consensual and they take steps to assure their mutual safety – is fine.”

MORE: Think this is awkward? Try these 16 things that will scare the crap out of you

“Whichever way you lean, I’ll always love you.”
Teenagers are riddled with insecurities – and sexuality ranks high among them. “Kids have attempted suicide because they assumed their parents would have a problem with them being gay, and the parents actually didn’t,” says Savage. “But the parents never said anything about how they would accept them.” So make some acknowledgment of homosexuality to show you’re okay with it - and that they should feel the same way.