Yahoo Lifestyle Men Who Admit They're "Emotionally Unavailable" Are Sharing How It Has Impacted Their Relationships, And They're Responses May Surprise You
In general, an emotionally unavailable person struggles with sharing and expressing their feelings by avoiding vulnerability and emotional connections with others. It often has a negative impact on relationships.
So, after Reddit user u/bubblegum123567's relationship with an emotionally unavailable man ended, she asked other men on the platform if they regret letting go of a woman they dated and if they think about having serious relationships.
She explained, "I have been in a few relationships with guys who have been emotionally unavailable. The most recent one ended with the guy telling me that he could not give me what I wanted. I was the first girl that he tried to have a relationship with in over a decade. He had gone on dates with others, but none of them progressed to more than a few dates. I think it really was that he was not in a position to be in a serious relationship with anyone, not just 'with me.' I think there were a few causes, including avoidant personality and a busy job. Guys who have been avoidant or emotionally unavailable, do you ever regret letting go of a woman that you dated and do you ever think about reaching out to her when you are in a position to have a healthy, serious relationship?"
"As someone who has an avoidant personality and busy job, I gotta be honest: no. I learned that I just love working and my hobbies. Having superficial work relationships and seeing my parents and siblings is more than enough social interaction for me to be happy. I felt bad because I hurt her and wasted her time but this way is better for her in the long term."
—Anonymous
"Yes. It's unbelievably painful to lose someone because my brain wasn't 100% in the right place at the time and fucking it up even though I wanted to be with her."
"As of today, I recognize that I am not emotionally available... and since I have no desire to jerk people around or lead them on into a brick wall, I choose not to date."
"In my case, no, because at the time I was incapable of knowing or conceptualizing a 'serious relationship' and her in the context of one. Being unavailable was a sad limitation, not a choice I made that I could regret afterward. Even having grown since then, I can’t retroactively understand something that wasn’t there, only just kind of vaguely wonder."
"I certainly do (I am a 32-year-old male). Throughout my 20s, I dated many women very short term and cut it off whenever it got even remotely serious, or was on its way there. To your question specifically, there is one I met in October 2019 and we dated for a few months, but when she started making future plans and getting more personal with me outside of sex, I cut it off..."
"This was the end of February 2020, two weeks before the pandemic hit. While it would have been great to be with her during the pandemic to support each other, pandemic or not, I wish I hadn't done it and at least tried to see it through. I gave her the same 'I'm not ready/looking for a relationship at this point' bs that I told every other woman. I left her house as she cried. I only reached out once in March or April of 2020 to check in when we were in the midst of the pandemic. I haven't reached out or heard from her since and don't expect to. I don't deserve her.
It wasn't until earlier this year when a woman I was 'friends with benefits' with asked me why I'd never been in a relationship; she said I was a great listener to her but I never wanted to talk about me. After calling me emotionally unavailable (which other women had, too, but I never acted on), she asked about my attachment type. She said she was 'anxious' but I had no idea what that was. I took a bunch of unofficial tests and they all suggested I was 'fearful avoidant' — apparently the worst one. I told my friend and she wasn't surprised.
I'm doing my best now to work on that issue, I can't afford therapy now but certainly will when I can. It was nice to know at least some of what was keeping me from a real relationship, but I don't bring that up when I'm breaking things off. It feels like an excuse — or that it may be perceived as such, no matter how sincere I am. So for now, I avoid dating seriously as I work on things, but do date casually, and communicate all of that at the beginning."
"I used to beat myself up a lot about my one who got away. I keep to myself and am quiet around people. But she brought out a much warmer more fun version of myself..."
"However, so did another ex of mine and a recent fling too.
Eventually, I put two and two together, and the whole 'it's not you, it's me' thing is true.
I miss my ex a lot. She definitely was the right girl at the wrong time. But the more time between her and now, the more I think that those other exes would have been just the same.
It's bittersweet because I kind of liked the idea of her being this special one for me, but really, anyone can work with anyone. It's just a matter of putting in that effort with someone."
—Anonymous
"I've thought about this, and while being more emotionally available might have made some of my relationships last little longer, I don't think any of them would have really worked out. I didn't know jack shit about myself, what I wanted out of life or needed out of a relationship. I was mostly dating indiscriminately with shallow parameters and was dating a lot of the wrong women. Most of my exes have gone on to find happy relationships and I would never try to change that. The few that haven't, I'm not in contact with anymore for good reasons."
"A 39-year-old male here. I've never regretted telling a woman that I wasn't able to be a good dating partner or wasn't really available for a successful relationship to happen at the time. Ever. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that when I'm not in a place to have a successful, new emotional relationship — whether friendship or romantic — it is not going to have any real chance of good success. Whether it be from my current mental state or just how much time I can devote to building the new relationship. I also typically don't hold any real hope when someone tells me that they aren't in a position to form a relationship either because romantic interest in new partners seems to cool so quickly. In most cases where a woman reached out, or I reached out later, our interests had cooled enough that we were unlikely to spark anything real again."
"The question makes me want to launch into a larger dissection of how we each are available or aren't — and what that means in the scope of relationships."
"I think, if in my younger years, I would have realized that no two humans are perfect, there is no perfect human for anyone, and that a successful relationship occurs when two people are willing to work together to get past each other's flaws. I would have done things differently. But it is hard to go back."
And lastly, one woman shared this perspective: "My own personal experience says that regret is a TERRIBLE predictor of personal change. People can strongly and sincerely regret their past actions...and then when they get another chance, they pull the same dumb shit again..."
"There are plenty of avoidant people out there who put 'the one who got away' up on a pedestal. It's so much easier to fixate on the idea of lost love. The ex can stay a perfect ideal who is forever above the mundane day-to-day reality of an actual relationship. They never fall short. They never disappoint. They don't fart in their sleep.
All this is to say, I'm sure there are people out there who DO regret letting a good partner get away. But you should be careful how much value you attach to that. What someone regrets isn't always a good measure of what they value."
So, we want to hear your thoughts about this. Let us know in the comments!
