Mel Greig: What I learnt at the Play Café

At 36 I finally had my first experience of being in charge of a child at a Play Café and it was an eye-
opening experience, I’m sure most parents will relate to this.

I was excited to be on Aunty Duties recently for my 4-year-old nephew Max and when I’m in charge I want them returning home saying, ‘Aunty Mel and I had so much fun’ and ‘She is my absolute
favourite aunty’ so the pressure is always on to please.

I also like to pick activities that I would enjoy and my idea of a visit to a gigantic indoor playground had me more excited than Max.

My excitement soon turned to frustration when I learnt what a visit to the Play Café was really like:

1. Turns out adults are too big to play on the playground.

It looks big enough for us and some areas were ok, but some not so much. You know that episode of the Simpsons where Homer goes down the water slide and gets stuck? Yeah. Good times. I went down a tunnel ride and was wearing a backpack. . . I got wedged inside the tunnel and had to get two big kids to pull me out.

2. Kids will crap their nappies and run free.

The stench of poo is overwhelming, now I’m no parent but I will put money on the fact that some parents would turn a blind eye to the fact their kid needs a nappy change . . . we can all smell the poo, we know you wondered if it was your kid. You’ll get your karma when they go down the slippery dip and serve you a squashed poo patty cake.

3. You’ll soon realise it’s a safe zone

After 20mins of following your kid around like a shadow, you’ll soon realise it’s a safe zone and sit down to a cup of coffee and even have a break and scroll through your phone. This is the danger zone because you’ll start to really relax and after 10mins you’ll forget you’re at a Play Café until you jump out of your chair and say ‘Shit, where’s the kid?’

4. Tie down your helium balloons.

If you look up to the ceiling you’ll see Elsa and Spiderman and 100 other Randoms all hanging out after you tie it to the table or your kids arm only for them to wiggle free and escape the birthday party, poor little Johnny must have cracked an epic tantrum when his giant superhero floated away.

5. Don’t go on anything that bounces.

Bladders are weak. I wet myself on the jumping castle. Kids don’t notice any of the frustration though, to him he had the best day ever and that’s the important thing . . . our next outing will be the adventure of Gold Class though. #auntylife

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