By Deirdre Fidge
Fellow Love Island viewers: gather round! Join me in this enormous garbage bin I had custom-made and allow us to debrief. Don’t worry – it’s safe in here. BYO hand sanitiser.
So: Tayla and Cassidy are still reeling from Grant’s snake-like behaviour (toying with both girls’ feelings that is, not shedding his entire skin like a python) so the trio in question decide to have a deeply uncomfortable confrontation.
This can be summed up by: he said then she said then he said then the other she said this then he said… not much clarity, really. Grant then proved it is impossible to slam a sliding door.
Tayla sobs a lot, Cassidy weeps, Grant slithers about and everyone’s happy again.
DING DONG, NEWBIE ALARM! Welcome two new garbage men: Elias, a long-haired personal trainer who of course prefers “athletic blondes”, and an “international DJ” John James (alright mate, we’ve all streamed a playlist in Bali).
Naturally everyone loses their minds when they arrive because everyone is horned-up, boozed-up and deprived of their phones.
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmit James and Millie Vanilli hit it off over their shared love of dogs, which seems annoying because whenever I scream “I LIKE YOUR DOG” to strangers they ask me to get out of their garage.
The mysterious Love Island God sends a text to the group announcing Johnny Janome Juicy James has to go on a date with Cassidy. BUT WAIT! Another text announces Elias is also going on a date… with Cassidy.
John James Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo is first up, sharing a cocktail with Cass. She regales the fascinating story of her long four-day troubled romance history with Grant which is both normal and fun banter.
The date conveyer belt then flings Elias into the chair, and he spouts a whole lot of nonsense that Cassidy describes as “confidence” – the same word she uses in reference to Grant having eyes for Tayla, proving she hasn’t yet learned the word “arrogance” just yet. She will one day.
Evening arrives so the group gathers to drink and chat about nothing, a dramatic contrast to their daytime activities. The recoupling hoohaa is on everyone’s minds, and Justin attempts to do a Math. He works out that seven guys is more than six women, so the odds aren’t in his favour. Fantastic.
Natasha grabs Johnny Jolene Jambalaya to earnestly express her interest in him and describe herself as “genuine” multiple times.
Many questions remained unanswered: will Cassidy and Grant celebrate their five-day anniversary? Why isn’t Sophie Monk in the show as much as I desperately need her to be? And what happened to that stray cat? Hopefully tomorrow’s episode will bring answers.
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