'I Can't Believe I Wanted To End My Life'

On a steamy early autumn morning in Victoria's East Gippsland, as grey clouds nudge towards the Bairnsdale Primary School oval, eight-year-old Oscar Campbell warms up for the triple jump event at his sports carnival. Watching from the sidelines, dressed in blue shorts and a red top - the colour of Oscar's house team - is his proud mum, Denielle. The heat is brutal and this is her second school sports commitment in as many days, but as Oscar hops, skips and jumps his way to a ribbon-winning score of three, there's nowhere in the world she would rather be. "He was really worried about [the jump]," says Denielle. "The look of pride on his face when he did it was awesome."

With long blonde hair and brown eyes, petite, athletic Denielle is, in many ways, the model of a modern, hands-on, single mum - from cheerleading her kids in sport to sharing their wide-eyed wonder at The Lego Movie. But there's a crucial difference between Denielle and most of the other mums at the oval: if all had gone to plan 12 years ago, the three children that make her spirits soar would not be here. She would not be here. In 2001, when Denielle was 25, she tried to take her own life. "I was at my lowest point," she explains. "I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Everything seemed so overwhelming and I certainly, certainly couldn't see myself being where I am right now."

Each year in Australia, there are more than 65,000 suicide attempts, while the number of people thinking about killing themselves may exceed 370,000. Perhaps more alarming, suicide is the leading cause of death in Australia for people aged between 15 and 44 - and the leading cause of death for women under 35. While the suicide of a celebrity draws media attention to the issue, the truth is it's occurring every day in cities, suburbs and rural centres across the country. By the time you reach the end of this story, at least five people in Australia will have contemplated suicide. It's a statistic that the women on the following pages can relate to. They all tried - or made firm plans - to end their lives. Here, they share their stories of survival...

Hayley Purdon Stent, 26

"Anyone looking at me - and my life - growing up would be struck by its conventionality. I am the middle of three kids, my parents are still together, and I'm still living in the house I grew up in. I went to the local public school, then moved out of the area to go to a private all-girls high school. And that, in the video of my life, is where you'd press pause and rewind.

"At my high school, there was a lot of emphasis not only on academic results, but also things like music and sport. I felt pressure to look a certain way as well. I wanted to be skinny and blonde and beautiful. In Year 9, I developed an eating disorder. I was pretty much purging on and off throughout high school, but the problem escalated when I went to university. Though I was studying aviation - I'd always wanted to be a pilot - I found the transition to uni a massive shock.

"I'm a very private person, so I kept the stress and unease to myself, but that made my eating problems worse. I relied on bingeing and purging to cope, and with that came a mountain of shame. I wanted to be this perfect, happy-go-lucky person - and friends now say that's exactly how they saw me. I was the bubbly one, the one who always seemed to be coping.

"But nothing could have been further from the truth. When I had to drop out of aviation - it's a very expensive course - the depression I'd been feeling on and off got worse. The eating problems got worse. By the time I went back to university to do a community welfare degree, I'd developed anxiety around social situations and started to cut myself. I would also take handfuls of pills to make myself drowsy and take my mind off things. On the surface I had a great life, but I was in complete despair. I had wanted so badly to become a pilot and when that was ruled out, I had no idea what I was going to do.

"The house of cards I'd built for the outside world finally collapsed in 2008, when I was 20. I'd taken way too many pills and ended up in hospital. My family was notified, of course. I was horrified and embarrassed that my secret was out. I could see how hurt they were and made a commitment then and there to get help. Even so, I denied to the hospital psychologists that I'd attempted suicide and managed to convince them that my overdose was completely accidental.

"The hospital gave me a letter for my GP, but didn't follow up beyond that. I assured my family I was fine, so they backed off too. It was months before I finally confided in my GP. She referred me to an eating disorder specialist who taught me to practise mindfulness and how to let go of the difficult emotions that come up in everyday life. It's a simple thing, but it changed my life.

"As effective as that psychologist was, she wasn't the first one I saw. The best bit of advice I could give anybody is not to give up. Try to open up to at least one person, and if that doesn't work try again.

"I don't want to sugar-coat it - I still have my ups and downs, but life is pretty fabulous. I have realised that the depression, anxiety and eating disorder are not who I am. It's what I have been through. I am a student, a daughter, a disability support professional and an aunty to a gorgeous baby girl. I have a vegie garden and I sew. I want my niece to grow up in a world where people are open about suicide; where there is no stigma and shame surrounding mental illness, and I want her to know that suicide is never the only option for a person.

I also want her to know that you should never give up on a dream. Last year I got my private pilot licence."

Melanie Lee
Writer, artist, illustrator, 42

"There's a pipeline that cuts through bushland near my childhood home on Sydney's northern beaches and emerges near a busy road about a 15-minute walk away. I knew every inch of that pipeline; it was a place I'd strolled in solitude since I was five - an escape from the booze and drugs and abuse at home. One day, when I was just 14 and convinced that God, if he existed, didn't even think I was worth saving, it was the place I went to die.

"My plan, carefully thought out, was to throw myself from an overpass in front of a truck as it left the 60km [for the 90km] speed zone below. It wasn't a cry for help; I knew there was no way I could survive it.

"As I made my way towards the busy road, I saw someone walking from the opposite direction. I'd never seen another person there! As there was no room to pass, I sat on a concrete pylon and put my face in my hands and waited for them to go by. Suddenly, there was a voice. 'Are you OK?' I didn't answer. Then this person - to this day I don't know if it was a man or a woman - sat down beside me and touched my shoulder and said, 'I hope everything works out OK.' Then they were gone.

"I had been abused since I was three years old - first by a babysitter, then by two family members - and nobody wanted to know. But in that brief moment, I remember thinking that somebody cared. I couldn't do it. That person saved my life.

"I'd like to say my troubles ended then, but I went through another five or six years of addiction, a horribly dysfunctional relationship and an abortion that left me with crippling guilt and depression. Finally, I ended up at Narcotics Anonymous, at first supporting my boyfriend, but then it really connected with me. Six months into that process, I stopped feeling suicidal.

"I didn't place a lot of importance on it at the time, but all through my tortured youth, I'd poured my feelings into a tiny little book, everything that I didn't feel able to say. Then, when my children were two and four, I got some cardboard and pens and I began drawing. It was like that creativity had been sitting in there waiting to be expressed. In 2012, I wrote, illustrated and self-published a children's book called A Girl In The World. It's a universal story about the ups and downs of life and the power of holding onto one's self.

"I am proud to say I've been clean and sober for 23 years. I live on 16 hectares and I'm in bliss. I don't even want to imagine what would have happened if that person hadn't been there on the pipeline.

"To anybody feeling overwhelmed by life, I'd say write about it, draw about it, scream about it. If people don't listen, tell someone else."

Denielle Stephens
Bookkeeper, mother of three, 37

"When I was 24 years old, my father, who suffered from a mental illness, took his own life. Most families endure that kind of heartbreak in private, but Dad, who lived in the tiny Victorian hamlet of Swifts Creek, about 380km east of Melbourne, had also burnt down the family house. The picture of my charred childhood home was on page one of The Age newspaper.

"Mum and Dad were separated when he died. In a small community, when something like this happens,
I think people need someone to blame. And they blamed my mum. When we held a wake for Dad, nobody in the town came. They held their own. It was an awful time.

"Shortly after Dad's death, my boyfriend and I broke up and I had to move house. The confluence of upheavals brought me undone. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping and I was crying constantly. The only thing that helped me cope was running. When I injured my knee and couldn't exercise, I went into an emotional tailspin. Though I was really cross with my dad for not giving us a chance to help him, there I was 12 months later, pushing people away. I was drinking too much and, at my lowest point, gambling. I was lost in a fog of utter hopelessness and couldn't see a way out. Finally, in despair, I tried to take my own life and ended up in hospital.

"My stay there was pretty awful. I was in a maternity ward because that was the only bed available, and the nursing staff weren't trained to deal with depression or mental illness. The professional care I got after that, though, was fantastic. I started taking anti-depressants - there was a bit of trial and error until I found one that worked for me - and seeing a psychologist, and that was the start of turning my life around. The medication plateaued my mood, so I was finally able to sleep and start dealing with my issues.

"When I came out the other side, Mum and I started a depression support group in Bairnsdale, where we both now live, and we had 45 people at the first meeting. It was astounding.

"Looking back, my own experience with depression not only allowed me to forgive my dad, but it also gave me the strength and desire to help others. What I say to anybody feeling overwhelmed is, 'Hang on and keep breathing, take one day at a time and get yourself some really good support. Don't push people away, seek out professionals you feel comfortable with and, if you're not happy with your doctor, find another one. It is hard. It really is hard, but it can be a chapter in your life; it doesn't have to be a life sentence.'

"I am happy to be identified. I'm proud of my story and proud of having lived through it.

"Most of all, though, I feel eternally grateful that I was given a second chance, which is ultimately what it was. I feel like that one moment could have defined me because it could have been the end. It humbles me to be able to see my children paint a picture, laugh, smile, or kick a ball - to see my family grow. It humbles me to think that I was so close to not having that."

Where to get help

If you or someone you know needs support, talk to a GP or health professional, or contact:
Lifeline 13 11 14 www.lifeline.org.au
Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 www.kidshelp.com.au
SANE Australia Helpline 1800 18 SANE (7263) www.sane.org
beyondblue support service line 1300 22 46 36

DO Start the conversation, i.e: "I have been worried about you lately."
DO Listen without judgement or criticism, offering support.
DO Encourage the person to seek help and support from others close to them, or health professionals.
DO Ask directly about suicide, i.e: Are you having suicidal thoughts?"
DO Keep the person safe. If you are concerned the person may take their life soon, contact emergency services immediately.

DON'T Try to minimise their problems by saying things like, "Try not to worry about it," or "I know how you feel."
DON'T Use closed questions, i.e: "Has this been going on for long?"
DON'T Use phrases like, "You don't want to kill yourself do you?"
DON'T keep suicide a secret: The number one priority is to keep the person safe, so this may mean breaking confidentiality if you need to get someone else involved.