The make or break dates for all the Bachelor In Paradise couples

Tragically, our time in paradise is coming to an end. Stakes are high, emotions are fraught and viewers are terrified at the prospect of having to find a new distraction from their own lives (Love Island anyone?).

Everyone’s embarking on their final dates, and first up is Keira and Jarrod, who have been basking in their Children of the Corn-esque loving glow.

Find yourself someone who looks like your cousin so you can smooch them guilt-free! Source: Ten
“I wonder how many seamen are out in the horizon…” Source: Ten
Only a cork in the eyeball could ruin this perfect date; thankfully no retinas were ruptured today. Source: Ten

To be honest this pairing still baffles me considering they started off openly having each other as back-ups after being rejected from their first place. Maybe settling isn’t so bad?

Like the other contestants – and most humans, animals and soft-boiled eggs – these blondies are scared of being hurt. Their greasy bodies enjoy a candle-lit evening and express their fondness and commitment, but don’t say the L word (lesbian) or the other L word (lemur) or the final L word (love).

If these two dramatic heavyweights can’t make it then who can Source: Ten

Elsewhere, Ali and Grant zoom around on a cute two-seater bike on rails in some sort of magical bicycle/train hybrid dream sequence. This is followed by a deeply strange meet-and-greet with a collection of small children who I assume were rounded up and bribed with treats by producers.

These two later tended to their romantic post-bike chafing wounds. Source: Ten
This the photo every white gal influencer dreams of posting on Instagram. Source: Ten

These two are super in love but have to eventually face the tyranny of distance: Los Angeles vs Adelaide. (Nobody could possibly choose between these equally outstanding cultural cities!) Their evening date must have been a costume party because Ali dresses as a Greek goddess and Grant pops on some suspenders like a 1930s shoeshiner.

“Polish your toes for a quid, guvna? Ha ha no but seriously please ditch your family and move overseas.” Source: Ten
“It feels like there’s a huge weight on me.” Yeah mate, it’s that weird copper headpiece. Source: Ten

BUT GUESS WHAT? Ali agrees to move to La La Land! Female sacrifice wins again!

“Wait, does LA have a Rundle Mall?” Source: Ten

Meanwhile, everyone’s favourite chuckleheads Tara and Sam trek around a rainforest and find themselves having a private cooking date. Sam’s chopping abilities make me feel better about my own and Tara’s love of eating brings cries of “OMG ME” from around the nation.

“And over there is the market where I purchased my seventh 2000s-era baker boy hat”. Source: Ten
Food! Food! Food! (I’m chanting). Source: Ten

The tone shifts as they’re forced to have a Very Serious Conversation about commitment: can these two jokers make it in the real world? When there’s no endless cocktails or personal chefs will their love remain?

Of course it will! These two are destined to be together forever! Or at least one week post-filming. Source: Ten
I agree with Sam that Tara would be a great wife for me. I mean him. Source: Ten

Our last couple tonight are Megan and Jake, who hop on a boat and hopefully don’t follow the fate of Gilligan and his crew (a very topical reference for you all).

“Jake, if we crashed, could you make a radio out of coconuts?” Source: Ten
Does anyone else get irrationally angry by how beautiful all these people are? Yeah me neither. Source: Ten

They engage in the two most romantic date activities that exist: jumping off a yacht and spooking tropical fish. But these things don’t happen often in the Real World unless you continuously break into the aquarium, so what will these two do?

“There’s a world outside the Gold Coast?” Source: Ten

Megan is pragmatic and logical about the future whereas Jake is sweatily gushing about feelings… this coupling is a little more fragile than the rest.

What you didn’t see was Megan opening her mouth like a shark and consuming several thousand krill. Source: Ten
“So I’m traveling for work and you’re… keen to get back to the Gold Coast.” Source: Ten
“I’m 90% sure we can make it work. Okay, 80%. No maybe 50%. I’m at least 17% sure Jake and I have a future.” Source: Ten

Tomorrow night’s final episode will bring us closure: who will leave as happy couples, who will be weeping on the plane home and who will be proposing? And will dedicated viewers finally have to address our own personal lives and take care of life duties we’ve been neglecting during Paradise?

For all of these questions… let’s hope not.

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