Tragically, our time in paradise is coming to an end. Stakes are high, emotions are fraught and viewers are terrified at the prospect of having to find a new distraction from their own lives (Love Island anyone?).
Everyone’s embarking on their final dates, and first up is Keira and Jarrod, who have been basking in their Children of the Corn-esque loving glow.
To be honest this pairing still baffles me considering they started off openly having each other as back-ups after being rejected from their first place. Maybe settling isn’t so bad?
Like the other contestants – and most humans, animals and soft-boiled eggs – these blondies are scared of being hurt. Their greasy bodies enjoy a candle-lit evening and express their fondness and commitment, but don’t say the L word (lesbian) or the other L word (lemur) or the final L word (love).
Elsewhere, Ali and Grant zoom around on a cute two-seater bike on rails in some sort of magical bicycle/train hybrid dream sequence. This is followed by a deeply strange meet-and-greet with a collection of small children who I assume were rounded up and bribed with treats by producers.
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These two are super in love but have to eventually face the tyranny of distance: Los Angeles vs Adelaide. (Nobody could possibly choose between these equally outstanding cultural cities!) Their evening date must have been a costume party because Ali dresses as a Greek goddess and Grant pops on some suspenders like a 1930s shoeshiner.
BUT GUESS WHAT? Ali agrees to move to La La Land! Female sacrifice wins again!
Meanwhile, everyone’s favourite chuckleheads Tara and Sam trek around a rainforest and find themselves having a private cooking date. Sam’s chopping abilities make me feel better about my own and Tara’s love of eating brings cries of “OMG ME” from around the nation.
The tone shifts as they’re forced to have a Very Serious Conversation about commitment: can these two jokers make it in the real world? When there’s no endless cocktails or personal chefs will their love remain?
Our last couple tonight are Megan and Jake, who hop on a boat and hopefully don’t follow the fate of Gilligan and his crew (a very topical reference for you all).
They engage in the two most romantic date activities that exist: jumping off a yacht and spooking tropical fish. But these things don’t happen often in the Real World unless you continuously break into the aquarium, so what will these two do?
Megan is pragmatic and logical about the future whereas Jake is sweatily gushing about feelings… this coupling is a little more fragile than the rest.
Tomorrow night’s final episode will bring us closure: who will leave as happy couples, who will be weeping on the plane home and who will be proposing? And will dedicated viewers finally have to address our own personal lives and take care of life duties we’ve been neglecting during Paradise?
For all of these questions… let’s hope not.
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