Last night's Love Island was like a reality rip-off of Love Actually

By Deirdre Fidge

Dearest readers – our time left on the island is winding down, so don’t start shooting flares into the sky just yet. The end is nigh.

The comings (ahem) and goings are increasing, and last night we said sayanora to Francoise. That’s how you say goodbye in French, for any uncultured plebs out there. 

Auf wiedersehen, bella! Source: Nine

After the ceremony, the group deal with things in their usual fashion by mumbling gossip under their breath and accusing people of being fake.

Today’s target? Our friend Jaxxxx, who has allegedly been sneakier than a snake – Shelby has overheard he’s said some less-than-optimistic things about their pairing.

Two-faced snake alert! Sounds exotic. Source: Nine

He spends a lot of time making vague excuses, apologising, and general grovelling.

Eh, what can ya do?

Everyone is always going to have an excuse for lousy behaviour and other people are always going to be extra sensitive when they’re putting their emotions on public television.

Sunrise, sunset.

The next morning, some Love Island producers remembered how hilarious it is anytime the dudes go into the kitchen and awkwardly faff about with crockery, so they’ve decided today the gals have breakfast in bed served to them by their blokes… accompanied by a love letter. 

Oh come on, you never expected beautiful prose from Grant’s single brain cell did you? Source: Nine
Only 0.021% of humans enjoy their toast at this level of burnt, and none of them are in the villa. Source: Nine

For some humiliating reason all the guys read their love letters out loud.

Most are primary-school levels of sad, unoriginal poetry that remind me of the generic candles men buy their wives and mothers for birthdays.

The whole thing is made slightly less depressing by some shots of delicious breakfast goods. 

Teddy won the breakfast game imho. Source: Nine

 Post-breakfast, Grant falls out of a lounge chair which is a personal highlight of the whole series to be frank. 

Less gossip and more people falling down: it’s what the people want. Source: Nine

DING DONG! A text message sent from the void declares that everyone gets to go on a date today.

Everyone is super excited until they realise the “date” is sitting in the backyard on plastic chairs obtained from whatever the Spanish equivalent of Kmart is. 

How glamorous! Source: Nine

The couples engage in some nice heartfelt conversations about their relationships 

I promise I’m not a liar… would a sneaky snake look this dodgy in aviator sunglasses and a sensible bob haircut? Source: Nine
Teddy’s hair is too outrageous. What is he hiding in there? Is it the Maltese Falcon? Source: Nine

Speaking of The E’s (a really cool nickname for that couple), Eden decides to formally ask Erin to be his girlfriend, a bizarre thing adults have to do now because seeing someone exclusively in a romantic and intimate way for five weeks apparently means nothing unless you say “r u my gf?” 

Eden gets the guys to re-enact that creepy scene from Love Actually. Alrighty. Source: Nine
Ha ha this is totally cute and we aren’t at all jealous. Source: Nine

RUDELY, the producers show Erin looking gorgeous in front of the most stunning scenic backdrop over a score of Sweet Disposition (still a banger).

It’s a blatant attempt to emotionally manipulate us into caring about this moment. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IT WORKS. 

How dare you!!! Source: Nine
I said HOW VERY DARE YOU!!! Source: Nine

DING DONG! Amid the girlfriend-boyfriend celebrations, a text message declares that one couple will spend the night in the exclusive villa together… will it be Erin and Eden?

Nope, it seems Australia is keen on seeing Josh and newbie Amelia get it on.

Nah it’s these two clowns. Soz. Source: Nine

That’s all for now folks, time for the coupled-up viewers to smugly turn off their television sets and crawl into bed next to their partner, and the rest of us to laugh “this is fine” before wiping crumbs from our heated blankets.  

How nice to end on this shot of Josh and Amelia instead of anything sweet from before. Goodnight all! Source: Nine

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