Dearest readers – our time left on the island is winding down, so don’t start shooting flares into the sky just yet. The end is nigh.
The comings (ahem) and goings are increasing, and last night we said sayanora to Francoise. That’s how you say goodbye in French, for any uncultured plebs out there.
After the ceremony, the group deal with things in their usual fashion by mumbling gossip under their breath and accusing people of being fake.
Today’s target? Our friend Jaxxxx, who has allegedly been sneakier than a snake – Shelby has overheard he’s said some less-than-optimistic things about their pairing.
He spends a lot of time making vague excuses, apologising, and general grovelling.
Eh, what can ya do?
Everyone is always going to have an excuse for lousy behaviour and other people are always going to be extra sensitive when they’re putting their emotions on public television.
The next morning, some Love Island producers remembered how hilarious it is anytime the dudes go into the kitchen and awkwardly faff about with crockery, so they’ve decided today the gals have breakfast in bed served to them by their blokes… accompanied by a love letter.
For some humiliating reason all the guys read their love letters out loud.
Most are primary-school levels of sad, unoriginal poetry that remind me of the generic candles men buy their wives and mothers for birthdays.
The whole thing is made slightly less depressing by some shots of delicious breakfast goods.
Post-breakfast, Grant falls out of a lounge chair which is a personal highlight of the whole series to be frank.
DING DONG! A text message sent from the void declares that everyone gets to go on a date today.
Everyone is super excited until they realise the “date” is sitting in the backyard on plastic chairs obtained from whatever the Spanish equivalent of Kmart is.
The couples engage in some nice heartfelt conversations about their relationships
Speaking of The E’s (a really cool nickname for that couple), Eden decides to formally ask Erin to be his girlfriend, a bizarre thing adults have to do now because seeing someone exclusively in a romantic and intimate way for five weeks apparently means nothing unless you say “r u my gf?”
RUDELY, the producers show Erin looking gorgeous in front of the most stunning scenic backdrop over a score of Sweet Disposition (still a banger).
It’s a blatant attempt to emotionally manipulate us into caring about this moment. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IT WORKS.
DING DONG! Amid the girlfriend-boyfriend celebrations, a text message declares that one couple will spend the night in the exclusive villa together… will it be Erin and Eden?
Nope, it seems Australia is keen on seeing Josh and newbie Amelia get it on.
That’s all for now folks, time for the coupled-up viewers to smugly turn off their television sets and crawl into bed next to their partner, and the rest of us to laugh “this is fine” before wiping crumbs from our heated blankets.
Got a story tip? Send it to email@example.com