It’s hard to believe we are still only our second week in Love Island! They say time flies when you’re having fun, which makes this feeling of never-ending drama and chaos seem logical. What are we doing with our lives?
Anyway, let’s chat about tonight.
The gang are mourning Kim’s departure, causing surprise to viewers who struggle to differentiate between all the female contestants. Maybe she told really good knock-knock jokes, IDK.
The fact they have signed up to a game show-esque spectacle with (albeit very vague) rules seems to have hit some of them, with Grant wisely stating “This isn’t Friend Island.” And thank God for that, because I never want to see David Schwimmer on my television again.
François also acknowledges this is a game by making those classic, “I’m here to find love, this is a game after all,” etc comments that reality stars always make. She and Elias allegedly flirt a lot but all we actually see is an unwashed dude scooping a woman into his arms like she’s a box of recycling.
BUT WAIT – for reasons nobody on earth could possibly fathom, another woman has Elias in her sights. Millie, too, wants to be flung around the kitchen by this caveman. Bingo bango, the villa has another love triangle.
Elsewhere, Josh and Natasha have several mind-numbing conversations about boats, Daryl Braithewaite and Josh’s false belief that Perth is in Melbourne. Natasha describes this as getting on “really well”. Good on them.
BEEP BEEP! Text alert! Erin and Eden have been ordered to go food shopping to enable the gang to eat tapas (or as Erin calls them “tapapapadapas”). They first have a date sipping enormous cocktails and sharing a pathetically small bowl of olives, but truthfully it’s kind of cute because they end up telling each other, “you make me happy,” and my frosty heart is briefly melted by the potential of an authentic moment. Dammit.
It’s then time for the men to get cooking. Nobody knows what tapas is which is a great start. Luckily for the other clueless men suggesting they steam a wheel of cheese, Justin steps up as he seems to be the only one who has prepared any food other than flopping a discount Coles steak onto a flaking grill.
As with all civilised dinner parties, tapas naturally leads to Grant having his bum waxed, and a hasty commercial break allows us viewers to take a moment and step outside, look up at the moon and wonder: how did this become my life?
Post-butt wax, once everyone has stopped screaming, Françoise attempts a conversation with Elias about feelings but he gets distracted by a bug. This has literally happened to me before so Françoise, don’t waste your time mate.
BING BONG, suddenly a ‘Truth Bike’ appears, and everyone confesses some secrets. Grant and Erin admit they are falling in love with their partners, Elias reveals he likes Millie, but nobody reveals that they are actually a large lizard wearing human skin with plans to devour all future contestants that evening. Weird!
Elias and Millie confirm they have feelings/spicy pantaloons for each other, seemingly having shared interests such as bugs or throwing people into bodies of water.
ANOTHER TEXT! All islanders are called to the fire pit, and must decide which of them will be thrown into the flames as a sacrifice. Wait sorry no, only the first part of that sentence is true. Françoise has to choose a mate.
Françoise chooses the short-attention caveman which seems like a fairly big self-own given he just publicly stated he prefers another person. This isn’t Friend Island, remember Franny?
Another rollercoaster come to an end! But don’t weep, tomorrow we’ll see a Sons of Anarchy ripoff bound in, leather-clad and steely-eyed… and I don’t think any of us are prepared for that.
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