Are you disciplining your child the right way? Try one of these 5 expert-approved methods

With the joys that accompany parenting also come the many trials and tribulations of the role. Parents are tasked with making choices about everything from their child's education to their dietary needs, in addition to the question of how to handle disciplinary actions when kids need a bit of parental guidance. With thousands of books on the topic of kids and discipline, approaching the subject can be a potential minefield for any parent.

How can a parent help their child learn good behaviors? Which discipline strategies are best for setting limits, establishing expectations and offering positive reinforcement? Is it possible for parents teach their child to behave without being too hard on them?

Roni Cohen Leiderman, an author and educator who serves as a family mediator for the Supreme Court of Florida, says while the concept of discipline can seem daunting to parents, it doesn't have to be.

"Discipline is much more than simply doling out rewards and punishment," Leiderman tells Yahoo Life. "It is simply about teaching your children and encouraging them to make good safe choices, but search the word 'discipline' [online] and you will find a barrage of do's and dont's and too many methods to count."

The matter is further complicated, says Leiderman, by the digital age where various types of screen time come into play. Couple this with a parent's guilt and it's normal to be left feeling completely overwhelmed.

"The fact is most children are on social media," she explains "And for many of them, they are on it for hours at a time. Discovering new information, resources and support, being able to access homework help, developing new relationships and connecting with family and friends are some of the positive aspects of the digital age."

"There are also well-founded concerns [about kids and social media]," Leiderman adds, "regarding excessive time online, access to inappropriate sites, the potential to share personal information and images and cyber-bullying."

Still, whatever reasons a kid needs discipline, Leiderman says there are five major discipline styles parents can use to nurture their children while guiding them in the right direction.

"With the acknowledgement that every child is different, that every caretaker has their own parenting style and that every family has their own culture," she says, "there are well-respected discipline orientations that can be useful."

Positive discipline

Positive discipline is much like it sounds: using mutual kindness and respectfulness to create a safe space for both parents and child.

"The positive discipline approach encourages children to be kind, respectful and thoughtful while parents demonstrate the same attributes when setting their limits," shares Leiderman. "It focuses on reinforcing positive behaviors instead of primarily focusing on correcting concerning ones."

For example, Leiderman says parents can reinforce their child to spend less time playing online games by saying something like, "I see that you closed your computer and are reading the new book you got from the library, I would love to learn about the story if you want to share it with me."

"This method of discipline is an effective way to incur change instead of reprimanding your child for spending too much time on the internet," she explains. "It can promote confidence and the motivation to make good choices through encouragement and problem-solving."

Gentle discipline

Similar to positive discipline, gentle discipline creates a safe place for kids to be themselves while also allowing a child to learn about their own personal boundaries.

"It's based on mutual respect and strengthening the parent-child relationship," explains Leiderman. "It encourages independence and supports children's ability to make good decisions."

An important aspect of this approach, according to Leiderman, is accepting all of a child's emotions, teaching them how to manage uncomfortable feelings like anger, disappointment and sadness.

"An example of this might be calmly telling your child, 'I know you are upset because you want to stay on the computer, but we agreed on the time to turn it off and it is time for bed now,'" she offers. "This validates that you understand and acknowledge their strong feelings while respectfully and consistently setting limits."

Boundary-based discipline

Boundary-based discipline is one of the most commonly practiced styles used today. It enforces the idea that for each of a child's negative actions there will be very clear consequences while keeping the parent-child relationship in balance.

If consequences are consistently carried out throughout the parenting process, boundary-based discipline can be effective and result in a child that is more willing to comply with a set of rules.

"Boundary-based discipline provides children with very clear limits and predictable rules and consequences," says Leiderman. "A goal here is to establish a sense of security and clarity for your child in order to minimize ongoing power struggles."

Leiderman says when using this method, it's important for parents to recognize that young children require simple rules like, "You need to put on your seat belt before I drive so that you are safe, then you can turn on your iPad," while older children can be part of a more detailed discussion like, "Let's decide together on a fair amount of time you can use the computer — I want you to understand the consequences if you don't abide by the rules we establish."

"In time," she says, "this method keeps your messaging clear and your children may become more compliant in following your rules."

Behavior modification

Behavior modification is similar to boundary-based discipline, but incorporates rewards for positive behaviors in addition to punishments for bad ones.

"Behavior modification is based on positive and negative punishment and reinforcement and focuses on ways to change inappropriate behaviors with clear and consistent consequential outcomes," says Leiderman. "'You finished your homework and cleaned your room before getting on the computer — I appreciate that and you earned 15 minutes of extra computer time tonight' or 'You know the rule is you can be on TikTok for 30 minutes each day, since you did not turn it off in time, the computer will be off-limits tomorrow.'"

"It is important to understand that this type of discipline does not include physical actions like spanking or withholding love," she adds. "Rather, the foundation is based on praising and rewarding good behaviors and ignoring or providing consequences for negative ones."

Emotion coaching

Emotion coaching is focused on encouraging the child to become aware of their responses and the parent's acknowledgment of a child's emotions in return.

"Emotion coaching involves understanding and validating your child's emotions and also understanding your own responses to their behaviors," shares Leiderman. "By accepting your child's full range of feelings — even when they are upset — you can calmly label them to show that you understand and validate their sentiments. This lets your child know they are loved and validated."

An example of a response a parent who practices emotional coaching would use, according to Leiderman, is, "I know you feel angry because it is time to turn off your electronics, but when you calm down, we can go to the park."

"Emotional coaching also gives you the opportunity to notice your own triggers," Leiderman adds, "and acknowledge ways you can regain your composure when disciplining your child."

Still, as straightforward as these discipline methods may appear, real-world practice can prove to be more challenging.

Debbie Zelasny blogs at The Jersey Momma and is mom to a teenager. Zelasny says she implements elements of behavior modification in her parenting style. She explains: "Our main issue is screen time. Our son is a gamer and we have to set clear screen times otherwise he would probably play all day."

"We use a timer on the Xbox and set windows of time when he can play," Zelasny explains, "When he was younger, if we had any behavior issues we would take time away from the gaming windows as a consequence. Likewise, we can add extra time as a reward."

Zelasny admits, however, that sticking to the rules isn't always easy.

"There are times when I feel guilty about taking screen time away when I have to," she admits. "And there are times when I extend the window of time if I need some extra moments to myself. I actually feel more guilty about adding on the extra time than I do about taking it away."

Erik Niel, a father of two who shares vlogs about his family life on YouTube, incorporates elements of several styles into his own parenting.

"The dynamic between me and my kids has always been one built on trust and responsibility," he says. "I really lucked out with two excellent kids who, on the whole, have given me very little trouble as far as discipline for the times when they made less-than-better choices."

Niel says he tries to instill a sense of right and wrong in his kids and teach them how their choices affect others. When they do mess up, he says he can usually see in their eyes that they regret their decisions and genuinely want to fix things.

"Grace is key," he says. "And not everything goes punished, especially when they definitely know how the outcome of their choices need to be made right."

Leiderman says it's important for parents to extend grace to themselves as well, knowing there isn't one tried-and-true discipline style for every parent-child relationship and even methods that work for a time may evolve as a child grows.

"Take time to think about what strategies have worked for you in the past," Leiderman suggests. "Ask yourself if it has strengthened your relationship with your child and if it has been successful in setting appropriate limits and encouraging positive behaviors."

"Also show interest in what your children are doing online: use parental controls to block certain websites and openly monitor their online accounts," she adds. "Through honest and respectful communications ... you can make sure your children are safe as they learn to make good choices on their own. Ultimately, that is what discipline is really all about."

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