Relationship bootcamp: 6 steps to transform your love life

Admitting you have to work hard to keep your relationship in good shape is hardly romantic. Yet it’s perfectly acceptable — even admirable — to moan about the blood, sweat and tears you pour into your fitness routine. So why is it okay to work on your muscles but not your marriage?

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Part of it comes down to the personal nature of relationships, say the experts, and part of it lies with our romanticised view of love.

“We go into relationships expecting we’re always going to be in the other person’s mind,” Relationships Australia’s couples therapist, Matt Garrett tells Yahoo7 Health. “In a new relationship that is the case — text messages, phone calls, flowers, fantastic love making. But after the first flush, things move into another stage and people forget to keep things going, they think it should just happen. Well it doesn’t.”

In fact, once you feel safe and committed, the motivation often stalls, the gloves come off and the relationship can turn a little, well, flabby. That’s why it’s not a bad idea to think of it as you would a fitness program advises Wyomie Robertson, a life coach with sports and boxing training. “That way you’re saying my relationship is a priority in my life and I will work at it.”

Here are six steps to keep your relationship at peak fitness.

1. Assess your fitness and set goals
Just as you get assessed when you join a gym, sit down with your partner and assess how things are going. “Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10,” says Wyomie. “What’s working well? What’s not? Then build on the things that are working and fix the things that aren’t.”

Create a program that’s easy, enjoyable and, therefore, likely to stick. And remember: not all of us need to run marathons. So while romantic holidays are lovely, the best mantra is ‘a little and often’, like breakfast together or notes in the lunchbox says Matt. “Often that’s all they need to know you’re thinking of them.”

2. Discover what gets his pulse racing
Matt loves Friday afternoons on his deck with his partner and some wine. “I’d rather that than a five-star restaurant,” he says. Others want more fuss, and that’s because, just as we gravitate to certain sports, everyone has a different love language, explains Wyomie. “Ask, what can I do that will make him feel like I care, and vice versa? You might need to tell him that buying jewellery doesn’t make you feel cared for, doing the dishes does.” Then keep doing that until it becomes your routine (you wouldn’t jog for a month then take the rest of the year off, right?)

3. Schedule it in but warm up first
We all know that unless we sign up for exercise, it can drop off the radar. Relationships need the same dedication so lock in some regular time together. And if yours is not at peak fitness, you may need a few stretches first, like relaxed date nights rather than intense weekends away. Just be sure to add a little cross-training to your program. “If there’s a bit of chandelier swinging occasionally, that’s good, too,” says Matt.

4. Be flexible and feel the burn!
As your relationship starts to improve, you can pick up the pace knowing that the more effort you put in, the more you get back. “With relationships people can give up too easily because they have a false expectation of what effort is required,” says Wyomie. Put some oomph into it, but don’t be too rigid or hard on yourself. “If you fall off the wagon, keep going. It’s about progress not perfection.”

5. Don’t forget to breathe
Just as you allow recovery time after a workout, relationships need down time, too. “If you’re doing enough work to show that the other person means more to you than anybody or anything, even golf, then when you do want to play golf, that’s okay,” says Matt. You’ve earned it!

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6. Hire a coach
We employ experts like personal trainers and physiotherapists to whip us into shape so why not a relationships counsellor? Wyomie suggests doing a performance review every three to six months with your partner and if your relationship’s PB isn’t improving seek help.