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The Sad Secret No One Tells You About Becoming Pregnant

I don’t know if I should tell you all of this. Of course I’d like to, very much in fact, but I don’t how the rest of the world will react.

Firstly, let me be clear: I know how incredibly lucky I am to have fallen pregnant without medical intervention.

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In fact, this thought plays such a prevalent role in my life that not a day goes by when I’m not tortured by pangs of guilt for feeling, well, how I feel.

And just how do I feel? Devastated. Hopeless. Lost.

And, just a little bit pissed off.

I didn’t anticipate this. No one warned me about this. No one.

I had always believed (evidently naively) that becoming pregnant would result in the release of those happy hormones everyone so joyously reminisces about. I believed I would become imbued with that ‘new mother’ glow. I believed I’d be happy.

But I’m not. And I know I’m not the only one.

Statistics from the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare state that one in five new mothers are diagnosed with depression. For more than half of these women their depression started during their pregnancy.

Of course it’s rarely spoken about, no doubt for the reasons I’ve outlined above – coupled with that eternal internal guilt trip: “I should be happy. I should be grateful”.

MY FIRST TIME

The first time I saw those two little lines on my pregnancy test I cried. No, scrap that – I wailed like a wounded animal. I sat in the corner of my bathroom facing the wall and screamed. Maybe yelling would make it go away? Maybe, just maybe, if I screamed hard enough the baby would somehow dissipate.

I was not reacting the way I ever imagined I would. My husband and I wanted a baby. This was not unplanned. Why was I behaving like this? How could I be so selfish? More importantly, how could my body cheat me like this?

Don’t get me wrong here, I wasn’t that shocked about my emotions taking a dip – hormones are tricky little buggers after all. I was more shocked with the guilt and with that uncertain connection.

Soon the sense of despair turned into apathy, which turned into acceptance.

My doctor told me that was ‘normal’.

“Most women aren’t overly excited about being pregnant,” he said. “It’s OK”.

I suppose so.

But that’s not the way the narrative has been fed to us all these years. Women are supposed to feel about pregnancy the way King Arthur felt when he recovered Excalibur - our reason for existence finally justified.

“It all makes sense now!”… “This is my reason for being”.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.

I am, however, still waiting for that connection, that fierce protectiveness, that mother tiger to come bounding out of me – but alas, I don’t feel anything.

Yes, I’ve got a very nice doctor who is taking very good care of me. All this depressive white noise is being addressed appropriately – occasionally with therapy, but mainly with packets of Tim Tams and a good cry. At least that’s normal, I think.

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So here it is, between you and me: If you’re pregnant and feeling guilty or angry or both I want you to know something true: It’s OK.

And yes, it’s totally, completely and 100% normal. I promise.

Disclaimer: Natasha Lee is an employee with Yahoo7

If this post brings up issues for you, or you just need someone to talk to, please call Lifeline on 131 114.