French Pole Vaulter’s Massive Penis Dashes Olympic Dreams

The world is extending its deepest sympathies to an Olympic hopeful whose dreams were dashed on Saturday. Or, maybe, its congratulations.

You know that thing that happens all the time, where your penis is just so big it prevents you from winning a medal at the Olympics? I know, right? Same. And that’s what happened to our brother, French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati on Saturday at the Paris Games.

The 21-year-old was attempting to clear a 5.70m bar when God got in the way.

The pole vaulter appeared to have propelled past the height of the bar, but when he contorted his body around, he didn’t, apparently, give enough clearance for his, um, entire member to clear it entirely. A slow-motion video that, if we’re being honest, deserves Oscar consideration for best short film, reveals that, as Ammirati was falling back to the ground, the bulge in his spandex caught the bar. (If I had a nickel, amiright?)

I’m waiting for someone to edit it with a Looney Tunes-esque “ba-oing” sound effect.

Ammirati ended up finishing 12th in his qualifying group, but, based on what I’ve seen on social media, has won the gold medal in going viral.

“When you’re about to win an Olympic medal but your massive d*ck gets in the way while the whole world watches in slow motion,” one user on X wrote.

One Olympics fan commented on how hilariously awkward the event’s commentators were in trying to address what had happened. It’s worth a watch.

And then there were the heartfelt rounds of applause to the athlete: If they had to go out on the Olympics, at least this was the reason why.

A brief search reveals this isn’t the first time this biological issue has ruined an athlete’s Olympics. It happened at the 2016 games in Rio, too.

Guess that’s why they call it a *pole* vault. (Come see my comedy set at the Borscht Belt circa 1950.)

Bulges are, believe or not, trending this Olympics. Particularly French ones.

One of the first viral stars of the Olympics was French diver Jules Bouyer, who made international headlines when photos of his package crammed into his Speedo spread across the internet.

There’s an inherent thirst when it comes to the Olympics: These are the humans with the best bodies in the world, at the peak of athletic performance. And the lust is excused under the guise of “patriotism.” Still, it’s been humorous to see just how much attention the bulge has gotten this games versus other years. Are we more comfortable talking about it? What’s the deal?

Either way, félicitations to the French on not just hosting what’s been, so far, an excellent Olympic Games, but on your star athletes having huge dongs.

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