Fathers Who Used These 11 Parenting Phrases Often Aren’t as Close to Their Adult Children

Fathers are often seen as superheroes by their children—larger-than-life figures whose words carry significant weight. During childhood, a father’s words can shape a child’s world, with everything he says having the potential to influence how they see themselves and how strong their relationship is. However, this sense of admiration can quickly shift if a father repeatedly uses harsh or hurtful phrases while parenting. What might seem like tough love or a way to encourage discipline can unintentionally damage the bond between father and child.

Over time, these words can chip away at the trust and closeness that once existed, leading to a more distant and strained relationship. When a father’s words become too critical, they can create distance. As these gaps widen, the once-close relationship may begin to disappear, leaving the adult child less likely to turn to their dad for support or guidance as an adult. That’s why to maintain a strong, lasting bond, it’s crucial for fathers to be mindful of how they communicate with their children during those formative years.

To learn more about the phrases that can contribute to distancing fathers from their adult children, we reached out to Dr. Adolph Brown, family clinical psychologist and the former co-host of the hit ABC series The Parent Test on ABC, as well as psychologist and author Dr. Patricia Dixon. Together, they break down some of the things dad particularly should avoid saying to their sons and daughters. See what they are, below.

Related: People Who Received Very Little Affection in Childhood Often Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

11 Phrases Used by Fathers That Create Distance With Kids, According to Psychologists

1. “Stop acting like a girl!” / “Be a man!”

When a father says comments like this to their son, it can be really hurtful and create a divide between the two.

“Saying these things can form rigid gender stereotypes while asserting undue pressure to make their son assume a role he is incapable of handling,” Dr. Brown explains. “Those phrases can also encourage the devaluing of femininity and limit a full range of emotional expression.”

Related: People Who Were Rarely Complimented as Children Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

2. “You’re lucky you’re pretty because you’re definitely not the brightest bulb in the pack.”

“This statement reinforces the damaging societal message that a woman’s worth is tied to her appearance,” Dr. Dixon tells Parade. “When these words come from a father—the first man in a young girl’s life—they carry significant weight and can shape her self-perception. This type of comment can lead your daughter to believe that her value is solely based on her looks rather than her intelligence, talents, or character. It can create a lasting impact, making her feel that her contributions to the world are measured by her appearance.”

Instead, Dr. Dixon shares that fathers should make their daughters feel good about themselves.

“Fathers should focus on celebrating their daughters’ unique qualities and abilities, helping them understand that their worth goes far beyond physical attractiveness,” she states.

3. “Boys don’t cry.” / “Stop being so sensitive.” / “Suck it up.”

Our experts say as a father, you should never tell your son that they cannot express their feelings by crying. “These statements have the potential to result in the suppression of emotions leading to poor coping mechanisms,” Dr. Brown tells Parade. “They can inhibit emotional regulation due to the inherent sign of weakness.”

Dr. Dixon further explains, “These remarks send a harmful message that emotions are something to be ashamed of. They can stifle your son’s ability to express himself and understand his feelings, contributing to a lack of emotional intelligence as he matures. It reinforces stereotypes about toxic masculinity, suggesting that vulnerability is unacceptable, which can hinder his personal growth and relationship with you as he gets older.”

Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

4. “I feel sorry for whoever you end up with.”

When a father tells his daughter he feels sorry for whoever she’s going to marry, it often creates emotional distance between them and, unfortunately, can prevent them from having the close bond that many other fathers and daughters share.

“This comment can instill fear and anxiety in your daughter about future relationships, making her feel like a difficult person to be around or unlovable,” Dr. Brown explains. “This belief may lead her to struggle with feelings of unworthiness and hinder her desire to establish a relationship with her father.”

5. “You’re embarrassing.” / “That was really stupid.”

When a father uses harsh, hurtful comments like these in response to his children’s mistakes, experts warn that it doesn’t just harm their relationship—it also impacts the child’s wellbeing and self-confidence.

“These phrases can invoke significant shame and affect a child’s mental health,” Dr. Dixon says. “If your son or daughter hears you call them embarrassing or stupid, it can lead them to doubt their identity and worth—especially if they look up to you.”

Over time, she says they may begin to shy away from having you watch them or stop turning to you for support, feeling that you’re no longer a safe source of encouragement. This emotional distance can carry over into adulthood, making it harder for them to feel truly connected to you.

“These statements reinforce the idea that they must conform to certain standards to gain your acceptance, which can drive a wedge between them and you,” Dr. Dixon continues. “Saying those comments can end up haunting them throughout life, leading to feelings of imposter syndrome and teaching them to associate mistakes with a lack of worth, which can be debilitating.”

Related: People Who Grew Up With Emotionally Immature Parents Often Have These 12 Traits as Adults, According to Psychologists

6. “When I was your age…” / “Why can’t you be more like…?”

While a father may think saying these phrases are harmless, hearing them repeatedly can take a toll on the son and prevent him from forming a close bond with you.

“These statements can create an unfair comparison dynamic while negating the unique life experiences of the child,” Dr. Brown tells Parade. “They can also foster feelings of unworthiness."

Dr. Dixon agrees and adds, “Comparisons to others can be particularly damaging, as they convey that your son is lacking in some fundamental way. This undermines their sense of self and suggests that you as their father wishes for someone else entirely, creating feelings of inadequacy and resentment that can erode your bond.”

Related: 5 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying

7. "You’re a mama’s boy.”

The relationship between a mother and son is special, so if your son has a close bond with his mom, you, as his father, should never make him feel bad about that or associate that relationship with a negative connotation.

If you do, by calling him things like a "mama’s boy," Dr. Brown explains, it implies to your son that he lacks masculinity and comes across as disrespectful, which can create a sense of distance between a father and son.

“This statement can cause shame and humiliation as a result of closeness to one’s mother or identification with her,” he notes.

Related: Does Narcissism Run In Families? A Psychologist Weighs In

8. “You’re just like your mother!”

“Saying the phrase ‘You're just like your mother!’ in a derogatory way can foster a negative perception of a girl’s identity, particularly if it comes from her father with a tone of disappointment,” Dr. Brown shares. “This can result in her rejecting aspects of her mother’s identity and, ultimately, resenting her father as well.”

9. “What’s wrong with you?!” / “You didn’t try hard enough.”

Constantly calling out your child isn’t the best way to parent.

“Saying these things imply disappointment and overlook the efforts your [child] has already made,” Dr. Dixon points out. “Instead of recognizing hard work, they focus solely on shortcomings, which can lead [the child] to feel that [their] best efforts will never be sufficient for your approval. This can create a lasting impression that [their] worth is contingent on meeting unrealistic expectations.”

Dr. Brown adds that these words don’t foster a better father-son or father-daughter relationship; they do the opposite. “These statements can create feelings of being judged leading to your [kid] feeling shame and poor self-worth,” he states.

Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

10. “I was hoping for a son when you were born.”

Some phrases, like this one, are not easily forgotten. In fact, if a father says it to their daughter, it will most likely stick with her all her life and keep her from having a close bond with him even after she’s an adult.

“This phrase can deeply hurt your daughter because it suggests she falls short of your expectations, potentially fostering feelings of inadequacy and disappointment,” Dr. Brown points out. “Although this is often said in jest, you have to be cautious because it may lead to you having a strained relationship with your daughter as she seeks validation and acceptance.”

11. “I don’t have time for this right now.” / “I don’t care; I don’t want to hear it.”

Dr. Brown explains, “When a son is told something like this, it can lead to feelings of being unimportant and dismissed.”

Dr. Dixon adds how it will affect a daughter, saying, “This lack of validation can have lasting effects, causing her to seek attention and understanding in future relationships, often feeling unheard or dismissed by others. It’s crucial for fathers to actively listen and engage with their daughters, reinforcing their importance and fostering a sense of self-worth that will carry into all her interactions.”

Related: People Who Felt Lonely as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

3 Tips for Healing Relationships Between Fathers and Their Adult Children

1. Be Vulnerable

“One of the most effective ways for fathers and their adult children to heal their relationship is through vulnerability,” Dr. Dixon says. “When a father acknowledges his imperfections and shares his struggles, it humanizes him in his son’s or daughter’s eyes. This shift allows for greater understanding and connection. By leading with vulnerability, a father also encourages his kids to open up, fostering a deeper bond.”

2. Apologize and Have It Be Accepted

“Healing begins when an apology is accepted,” Dr. Brown states. “If a father is mature enough to apologize, this is a great starting point, however, adult children are also encouraged to accept the apology they never got.”

Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists

3. Forgive

“For healing to occur, both fathers and their children must practice forgiveness,” Dr. Dixon shares. “It’s essential to differentiate between intention and impact; often, neither party intended harm, yet misunderstandings can still cause pain. By cultivating an open mindset for forgiveness, both can move beyond past grievances, allowing them to connect on a deeper level and fulfill the emotional needs they’ve longed for.”

Part of forgiveness is for an adult child to be able to understand where their father was coming from with his style of parenting.

“Many fathers suffer from ‘ghosts in their nursery,’ whereby they recapitulate their childhood traumas onto their kids—often unconsciously,” Dr. Brown says. “When this can be brought to a father’s attention, healthy parenting can resume.”

He continues, saying, “Adult children must also realize that most fathers do the best they can with the information they have at the time and it’s important for sons and daughters to be able to recognize how the societal expectations of fathers shape their parenting style. Fathers are encouraged to prepare their children to be independent, autonomous functioning adults. This requires ‘pushing’ them to face ‘the big world’ out there as opposed to the often ‘embracing’ of mothers. Though, being pushed can create anxiety and correlate to years of relationship estrangement.”

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Sources

• Dr. Adolph Brown, family clinical psychologist and the former co-host of the hit ABC series The Parent Test on ABC

• Dr. Patricia Dixon, psychologist and author