I Don’t Have Children For A Reason. How Do I Tell My Sister I'm Not Her Designated Babysitter At Family Events?

This post is an advice column and shares the author's personal views.

Hi BF Community! My name's Ashley Holt, and this is Dear Ashley — a lovingly honest, shady, and safe corner of the internet where BuzzFeed readers like you can submit your relationship issues to me for advice.

Today’s issue is between a 31-year-old woman who wrote to me about her sister.

"I’m struggling to maintain a consistent relationship with my sister. She is three years older and has 3-year-old identical twin girls. In my opinion, the early stages of motherhood could not have been more challenging for her. The girls were born VERY premature and were in the NICU for more than two months," she said.

"When they finally came home, they had so many unique needs to keep them safe, including specific ways to be held, fed, and sleep. My mother stayed with her for almost a month full-time to help, and I came over when I could, only if she asked because I was afraid of overwhelming them."

"Three years later, the girls are healthy, normal, wild toddlers, and I adore them. However, my sister has become used to having a lot of help. I don’t mind helping at all, but it has gotten to the point that she expects it, and the second they arrive at any family function, she lets them loose and completely ignores them for the duration of the event."

"As a result, the rest of us are running after them, preventing accidents and trying to entertain them while she drinks and socializes completely unbothered. When they leave, there is never any acknowledgment of our efforts. She hasn’t said 'thank you' to us in a very long time. Her husband, who I adore, helps us, but not as much as I’d like. There have been times when I’ve overheard heated conversations between them where he essentially points out how careless she is, and she backs it up by saying the girls are 'fine' and with family."

"Things are coming to a head following the twins' third birthday party. I was sick and unable to attend, but I heard from multiple family members that she was mean, demanding, and cruel while everyone was helping her set up. This doesn’t surprise me because that’s exactly how she acted at their second birthday party. As a result of her increasingly bad behavior, I have started leaving functions early or arriving late because I don’t want to be on babysitting duty."

"I love my nieces so much, but I don’t have children for a reason, and I feel like I deserve to socialize at parties without feeling guilty for leaving someone else’s children unattended. However, the alternative seems to be allowing them to hurt themselves or damage something or my mother doing all of the work, which is messed up. My mom will never complain, likely because she worries my sister will withhold the kids out of resentment."

"I know I probably need to be the one to address this, but my sister can be mean and combative when confronted with criticism of any kind, and I know she is overwhelmed. Truthfully, I cannot imagine how hard it is to be a mom to toddler twins, especially ones as rambunctious and full of life as my nieces. However, her method of dealing with stress is ruining family gatherings. What should I do? How should I handle this?" she concluded.

Hey friend, I've gotta be real with you, your sister is waaaay out of line. However, I can see why you feel like approaching her for a conversation isn't ideal because your sister is clearly stressed and overwhelmed, understandably so! But I'm going to warn you that the approach I'm about to propose is slightly petty and should be modified to your comfort level.

I think you'll have to handle this like the infamous Supernanny to get your point across. Jo and that "Naughty Corner" were undefeated. At the next family gathering, whenever a kid is about to hurt themselves or is being disruptive in front of you, take them straight to their mother.

Once you've sat them with their mother, tell them why you removed them from whatever mischief they were causing right in front of her. "You can't play that close to the pool. It's dangerous. So now you have to sit with mommy for five minutes." Then, walk away. Don't say a word to your sister.

Now, children are all wired the same way, so this kid will do what all the other kids on Supernanny did and ignore you and run away. Do. It. AGAIN. Be relentless!!! Keep taking them back to your sister, but there's no need to keep repeating yourself to the kid. Just sit them down and keep at it until the five minutes is over.

When it's done, repeat back to the kid what they did wrong, and let them know if they do it again, they will end up right back with their mother. Ask if they understand, then let them run free.

Odds are, at some point during this exchange, your sister will ask what you're doing, and why. And THAT my friend, is what you want. Now SHE has started the conversation, and you have to tell her very clearly, and very calmly that you weren't asked to babysit today, therefore, if the girls are causing trouble or look like they're going to hurt themselves in front of you, this is what will happen.

Now, I know people will disagree with me on this, but you have to correct this habit in this way, because she needs to understand in real time how her actions affect other people at family events.

At this point, your sister can ask you to watch her girls, or she can continue to be inconvenienced by you bringing her kids to her. Either way, it's clear to her that she doesn't get to peacefully put her kids on you during family gatherings without your permission.

The caveat here is you have to do this for YOU and not anyone else. You can't speak on behalf of anyone else in the family and how they feel. You can only draw boundaries for YOU. Becoming the family spokesperson will turn this into a fight you won't win.

That said, when it comes to your mom, if she wants to chase the twins around, you have to let her. She's probably waited years for grandkids, so she either doesn't mind it or will have to draw her own boundaries with your sister. But you can't speak for her because a sister/sister relationship is waaaay different than a mother/daughter relationship.

Your family is obviously super generous and loving, so hopefully your sister can see you're coming from a good place, but also that she can't take your kindness for weakness. My hot take on this topic is, it is not the responsibility of childless people to make the lives of parents easier. We get to choose when and how we help them care for their children, and each time we do it, there needs to be a respectful ask beforehand, and the time that you give the kids back to their parents should also be clearly communicated. Like you said, you don't have kids for a reason, so your nap time matters, too! LOL. Eventually your sister will see that she can actually get MORE help this way because you will feel respected and appreciated. Love, Ashley.

What do you think she should do? Let us know in the comments.

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The submission has been edited for length/clarity.