First couple swap and love triangle emerges on Love Island

By Deirdre Fidge

So we all watched the inaugural Love Island Australia premiere last night and were blown away: we were reunited with Sophie Monk (yay!), witnessed budding romance (yay!) and saw slow-motion footage of incredibly zoomed-in buttocks (y-wait, no – don’t cheer for that).

Welcome to the second day on the island of love.

Couples are adjusting to their new lives, arranged-marriage style couplings, and the horrifyingly tacky early 2000s aesthetic of their Spanish villa.

Anyway, enough chit-chat: DING DONG, HERE COMES A NEW ARRIVAL!

Shockingly, it’s another conventionally-gorgeous blonde, Kim. Source: Channel Nine

Honestly, it’s doubtful anyone would notice if they added new women in or replaced everyone entirely because they all look identical.

We can only assume there is a Russian Doll-esque factory where sculpted, bronzed youths pop out of each other, flying along a conveyor belt towards whichever reality show is accepting new participants. Zoom!

Oh god, the clones are malfunctioning, someone call I.T. Source: Channel Nine

Kim successfully turns everyone’s heads to the point of overcooked noodles, causing jealousy.

Justin and Kim get to know each other by asking questions like favourite colour or “apples or oranges?”

The faceless Irish voiceover man attempts to mock them but honestly these questions are important because who wants to date someone who won’t appreciate your apple pie?

Everyone then goes to bed in their incredibly weird jumbo shared bedroom that is perfectly fine and not at all a horrifying public nightmare.

This image is why the show carries a MA rating. Source: Channel Nine
Sleeping alone in the knowledge of others’ love.. we’ve all been there Kimbo. Source: Channel Nine

So which man will Kim choose? A long night of lying alone in a bed next to people loudly smooching would have sent most of us bonkers but for some reason she’s still here.

Cassidy is feeling insecure after having some nighttime smoochies, but Grant reassures here everything is A-OK.

He says “I hope this hasn’t put a damper on everything” provides a nice mental image of a large loaf of bread floating on two spray-tanned millennials.

Aaaaand it’s lucky Josh who first gets to head off on a picnic with Kim, where they enjoy insect-filled wine and awkward conversations.

The glamorous life of a reality show contestant! Source: Channel Nine

She reveals she has a “two year old son”, with Josh clearly being momentarily stunned because his response is “boy or girl?”

Her date with Charlie involves almost identically awkward conversations, and was confusing to follow because all the men on this show also look the same.

Am I seeing double? Have I hit my head? Am I in hell? Is anyone listening to me? Source: Channel Nine

Meanwhile, Grant and Tayla are flirting in the shower, involving some sort of bizarre hyper-masculine feat of power with Grant throwing her over his shoulder (is that how straight people court one another?).

Grant’s lady Cassidy sees this and becomes upset. Sad!

“I thought I’d be the only one he’d want to fling around a colourful tiled room..” Source: Channel Nine

They have a conversation where not much is said at first because nobody here has a great grasp of healthy and direct communication, but then smoochy-smoochy, everything is happy families again.

Wait, is it? Now Grant is openly talking about wanting to hook up with the other women, and confesses this to Tayla: we now have our first Love Island triangle.

The bottom left of the triangle in question, Tayla, ponders the entirety of her life choices. Source: Channel Nine

But, oh no! Kangatarian Justin overheard their declarations of attraction! He starts crying and all of our hearts break in unison.

“Love is hard,” he weeps, and I have never felt so much empathy for a male model before.

No snarky comments here, this is just upsetting. End of caption. Source: Channel Nine

He wipes his eyes and promptly moves on to Kim, who now has a sizable selection of men to choose from. Time for dinner, drinks and decision-making.

Ah yes, a warm Spanish evening! This calls for sherpa-lined jackets. Source: Channel Nine

Wow lighten up everyone, who died? I mean – other than the nation’s faith in humanity. Source: Channel Nine

For some reason this decision is made after a text message to Kim, in a misguided attempt to look hip and modern by some producer in his 50s who is most likely in charge of those zoomed-in bikini shots.

Another concerning development: apparently all men on the Island are actually boys. Legal team may need briefing. Source: Channel Nine

Anyway, Kim chooses Josh.

Hmm, you sure about that decision Kimbo? Source: Channel Nine

Tayla is now officially single and free to pursue other dudes.

So will Grant follow his pants – sorry, heart – with Tayla?

Or will he remain loyal to Cassidy? Will this love triangle end in disaster?

Could any of us have dreamed that one day our lives would dissolve into asking these questions to ourselves? Tune in tomorrow for more.

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