Ask Audrey: 'I found my belittling ex-best friend on Facebook'

Audrey is a mother to a 15-year-old with another on the way. She probably should have taken into account who she was marrying (Osher Günsberg) much earlier, as she’s far more comfortable behind the camera as a freelance hair and makeup artist, than a TV host’s wife who doesn’t know how to work her angles for any on-camera duties.

Audrey loves to cook, decorate cakes, gardening, DIY and is very handy with a flat-pack, few of which you would pay her to do for you, but she’d happily give it a shot for free.

Hi Audrey,

I've been spending the last few years looking around social media trying to find old friends. One of my best friends from primary school (long before social media was a thing) is one person whom I've really wanted to catch up with.

We were very different kids, which is why we probably got along. She had a more money than we did, and I was always a bit larger in the bum than she was, and kids being kids, she would often remind me of these things. I didn't take it to heart too much. At least I didn't think I did.

It's now been over 20 years and I thought I'd see if I could find her, and a few weeks ago I did.

She is unrecognisable. A great amount of money, and time has gone into the profile pic that I uncovered. I had to do a little more digging to confirm it is actually her, and it is.

I'm a mum of a toddler and still have a fuller figure, and whilst I own my appearance and am both comfortable and confident in my skin, having seen how much effort she has put into changing hers is bringing forth a lot of insecurities about how she viewed my waistline, even back then.

At a glance, it doesn't look like she has her own family or that there is anything in common between us anymore other than memories.

My question is, should I say hello or leave our friendship in the past?

I feel very hesitant about making contact but I also don't want to judge her book by her cover either which I am aware I am doing.

Any thoughts?

Thank you

Dear Nostalgic Friend,

Social media can be a wonderful way to reconnect with friends and family who you’ve lost touch with, keep up to date with Kylie from high school’s twins’ shenanigans, and get across the latest dating hysterics of your single friends.

It does, however, create a sense of obligation to give a damn about people who may not have brought any positivity to your life in the past, or who you barely spoke two words to and yet your feeds are being filled with their envy-inducing posts of exotic holidays and “perfect” lives. Please excuse my cynicism, but I’m not a huge fan of all aspects of social media.

To your question about reaching out to your primary school best friend who you’ve found through some social media sleuthing, I couldn’t help but feel that you already know the answer. The way that you’ve described your relationship with your childhood best friend makes me wonder why it is that you are wanting to reconnect with her.

As you mentioned, kids being kids, she often said quite demeaning things to you regarding her supposedly superior appearance and lifestyle. You say that you didn’t take it to heart too much at the time, but is it possible that finding her and revisiting those childhood memories have raised some old feelings of inferiority again?

It is wonderful and completely warranted for you to own who you are in your entirety, not all of us are so comfortable in our own skin. We are our own harshest critics and I feel that keeping people in our lives who bring negativity into it does more harm than good, particularly in a situation like yours.

It’s not family or a work colleague who would require more effort on your part to tolerate, or who you’ve had in your life consistently over a longer period of time. This is a “friend”, (and I use the term lightly) from primary school who often wasn’t very kind to you, and who (importantly) hasn’t sought you out in the years since either. You are under no obligation to this person, nor to anyone else to “keep in touch”.

The past is the past. It teaches us lessons and wisdom and it gives us the opportunity to change our futures. From what you’ve written to me, you have done just that and you sound like you’re in a very happy place with where your life is at now.

So don’t reach out. There’s no need to “catch up” with your old bestie. And as for whether you’re being judgemental based on what you are seeing on someone’s Facebook profile, well, that’s part of the social media downside isn’t it? For us to make judgements, positive or negative, about who people are and what their lives might be like in relation to our own.

For better or for worse, that’s where we are with social media. Don’t be too harsh on yourself, but keep in mind that what you see is what people want you to see.

Life is too mundane to be real about on Facebook!

Thank you for writing in, and I hope that you continue to nurture yourself and the relationships in your life that are reciprocated and positive!

Audrey x

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