Ask Audrey: 'My nightmare mother-in-law is ruining my wedding'

Audrey is a mother to a 15-year-old with another on the way. She probably should have taken into account who she was marrying (Osher Günsberg) much earlier, as she’s far more comfortable behind the camera as a freelance hair and makeup artist, than a TV host’s wife who doesn’t know how to work her angles for any on-camera duties.

Audrey loves to cook, decorate cakes, gardening, DIY and is very handy with a flat-pack, few of which you would pay her to do for you, but she’d happily give it a shot for free.

Dear Audrey,

I’m getting married in September and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to deal with my mother-in-law’s outrageous demands for our wedding day.

I’ve been with my fiancé for five years now and ever since I was first introduced to his mother, she’s made it very clear that he’s her ‘golden boy’ and I’m extremely lucky to be with him.

He is the best thing that's ever happened to me and we’re madly in love but since he proposed, my MIL-zilla has been a nightmare to deal with and my fiancé is constantly having to swoop in to ease the tension between us.

First, she demanded I pick my fiancé's sister as one of my bridesmaids, despite the fact that I’m not close with her and we have barely anything in common. I’m also only having two bridesmaids and I had planned to ask my childhood friend instead.

I tried to not let it get to me at the start because at the end of the day, we’re going to be family soon and it’s great that she’s excited about us getting married.

But then she lost it when we told her we want an adults only wedding, saying she didn’t think we were that ‘mean’ to exclude ‘precious children’ from the celebrations and she would be mortified if we didn’t invite my fiancé’s cousin’s four kids.

The final straw happened yesterday when I mentioned that I would be keeping my maiden name after I marry my fiancé.

She got into a huff and told me she feels like I'm ashamed of the family by not taking my fiancé's surname and that I mustn't be fully committed to the marriage.

It’s starting to upset me how she’s taking away from the enjoyment of planning our wedding and that she’s causing friction between my fiancé and I.

How should I tell her to back off without being rude and upsetting my fiancé?

Dear Fired-up Fiancee,

Run! Run for you life and for your sanity! Save yourself!

If only that could be the advice that I give you in how best to deal with your mother-in-law to be. Sadly, that’ll make life with your man impossible and you two lovebirds seem to be quite determined to carry on your love story despite your fiance’s mum’s best efforts.

Planning a wedding should be an enjoyable, albeit stressful, experience which hopefully strengthens the couple rather than sets them at odds with each other. When there are other parties poking their nose where it doesn’t belong, that creates a new set of challenges.

So what to do about your MIL-Zilla without completely destroying the relationship?

While it sounds like your fiancé is great at stepping in to ease tension after the fact, I think it’s time he step up to do some of the news delivering himself.

He is her “Golden Boy” after all, so I’m guessing that she’ll kick up less of a fuss if he’s the one delivering the news about your child-free wishes or number of bridesmaids/groomsmen. Unless your MIL is paying for the wedding, the budget is a great fall-back reason as to why you can’t just acquiesce to all of her demands.

The other way to look at this is that while it’s great to have family involvement and help, (something I can attest to, my parents, family and friends helped so much to make mine and Osher’s wedding day so wonderful), they don’t have to be a part of the decision-making process.

There’s no obligation to share your plans with anyone. And whenever you are chatting wedding stuff to the MIL, you both need to be backing each other up when information is being relayed, both physically present and engaged in the conversation when and ONLY when it is pertinent to your mother in-law.

The horses have already bolted on a few things, but going forward, just stop sharing information with her if it has nothing to do with her. And that goes for your fiancé too.

Hopefully that will prevent her from becoming too involved or griping about what decisions you both have made together. And like a child, the more you give in to her demands, the more demands she will make.

As a long term plan on how best to respond to your mother in-law, start with a mental sage burning for you.

Cleanse those corners of yourself of the negativity that must be accumulating when you interact in these ways with the MIL.

I’m not sure if you’re planning to give gifts or cards to your groom and to his parents on the day of the wedding, but perhaps write one to her about all of the reasons why you love him so madly, and why you’re more than proud to be his wife and to be joining families.

And going forward, remember it’s you and your man now. One team! One dream! Remind him of that too, and how important it is to not play up to any emotional manipulation that may be coming as your MIL gets her head around that he’s YOUR “Golden Boy” now.

Imagine how hard things could be if you decide to have children! Or a dog! Or cat!

It’s time to keep your boundaries secure, politely explaining where they are and not engaging if mother tries to escalate things to get her own way. For your future together and for your sanity, I cannot stress this enough.

Or you could always elope then move overseas?

Good luck!!!

Audrey

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