I had panic attacks and insomnia. Being diagnosed with ADHD changed my life

Jodie Hill, 36, a lawyer from Leeds, had a breakdown in 2017 after suffering from panic attacks, insomnia and undiagnosed ADHD. Jodie was signed off work and thought her career was over. Here’s how she turned her life around…

I remember locking myself in the toilet at work feeling so ashamed and embarrassed. My chest was so tight, I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. My whole body was aching and I started hyperventilating. Sometimes it would only last a few minutes and other times, it felt as though it went on for an eternity. I’d become really hot and start sweating.

It was 2017, I was 29 and a newly qualified solicitor in my first job. On the outside, it looked as though I had it all – a good job, a nice flat and everything going for me. Yet I was secretly suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and crippling insomnia.

I would lie awake, night after night, my heart and mind racing. I would play out everything that'd happened at work that day and all the things I had to do the next day. I knew I’d be exhausted if I couldn’t get to sleep but even though I’d tried everything – herbal sleeping tablets, meditation, baths – I just couldn’t switch off.

I was working in a male-dominated workplace and, as a young woman and a junior in my role, I felt I couldn’t say no, so I took on far too much. I found myself feeling overwhelmed, unworthy and unable to cope.

Nightmares and insomnia

The insomnia tipped me over the edge. When I did eventually fall asleep in the early hours of the morning, I’d wake up, drenched in sweat, my heart pounding, after an awful dream. I could never remember what’d happened in the dream but they were always work-related. I’d wake up feeling overwhelmed and anxious, then have to do it all over again.

In desperation, I went to the doctor who prescribed sleeping pills but I didn’t want to become too dependent on them. They often left me feeling groggy and as though I was hungover the next day so I knew they weren’t a long-term solution. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of exhaustion.

Later that year, after suffering from ongoing panic attacks, I was signed off work for five months. I was filled with guilt and shame. I’d never thought of myself as someone who would be 'off sick' long-term. I felt like a failure and as though I was letting everyone down, not just my colleagues but my friends and family too.

I’d always done well at school and got good grades but, as my dad was in the army, we’d moved around a lot when I was a child so I was always 'the new kid'. Feeling anxious was my norm but all I could think about during that difficult time was getting back to work.

Unable to leave the house

I realised, however, as the weeks went on, that I was really unwell, so much so I couldn’t even leave the house at times. I was incredibly emotional and would burst into tears at the smallest thing. I stopped seeing friends and exercising, and became a recluse. The hardest part was that I felt like I couldn’t be a lawyer anymore and that I wasn’t worthy of being in the legal profession.

I made the decision to leave my job which was terrifying because of my financial responsibilities, having self-funded through university and Bar School with a significant debt and a new house. But I felt unable to cope with basic tasks and the guilt I felt over not going to work was overwhelming. I chose to leave so that I could focus on getting better. I knew it was sink or swim.

To help with my anxiety, my GP prescribed an antidepressant belonging to the SSRI group called Sertraline and a beta blocker called Propanonol. I also started a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and finally opened up to my family and friends about what'd been going on.

"I’ve been struggling," I told them. I wasn't even sure what was happening to me and I was terrified of being judged, especially as I’d masked everything so well and tried to act as though I was coping up until then.

It was hard to communicate, but when I did, everyone was amazingly supportive.

A fresh start

As I began to recover and use some of the practical tips and techniques I’d learned in my CBT sessions, including trying to step outside myself and rationalise my thought processes, I realised my career as a solicitor could actually help in my recovery.

I rented a small office in Leeds and became a consultant solicitor. Being self-employed, I was able to use all my skills and experience from my last job, but could also work flexibly, and pick and choose my clients. I found that so much more rewarding than working in a pressurised, male-dominated environment.

I set up my company, Thrive Law, in 2018. It gave me full control and autonomy over both my personal and professional life.

Getting a diagnosis of ADHD

People had always said to me that I probably had ADHD but I’d just shrugged it off. I was taking my medication and seeing my therapist but I still struggled to switch off.

I would talk excessively, interrupt people and finish others’ sentences. It always felt as though I was going 10,000 miles an hour. The thought of 'relaxing' with a book on a beach holiday seemed like torture.

During lockdown in 2020, these sorts of traits and the difficulties I had came to the forefront as the world slowed down. While everyone was saying how much they were enjoying the peace and quiet, I was still on autopilot and decided to seek support from a psychiatrist.

One of the first things they did was interview my mum, my best friend and my brother. They wanted to understand how my ADHD traits had manifested themselves in my childhood. I think I’d gone under the radar because I’d moved schools so much, and there was also so little awareness about neurodivergence back then. I’d tended to 'mask' things and always been a 'good girl'.

When I got the diagnosis, it was a lightbulb moment and also gave me access to medication which has been life-changing. It’s helped me slow down and think more clearly.

Getting a formal diagnosis helped make me realise that I’d probably had to work 10 times as hard to get to where I am and that I must have subconsciously created all of these tools and mechanisms to make sure I didn’t forget things. I also realised that my ADHD had probably been a major contributing factor in my breakdown.

Managing my mental health

Four years on, I’m still going to therapy at least twice a month and I now take a medication called Elvanse for ADHD. It’s been truly transformative. I’ve also met a lovely man – we have an amazing relationship and he accepts me for who I am.

Sometimes, in previous relationships, I’d feel embarrassed about how emotional I’d become and I think people would presume I was overreacting. I’ve worked hard on managing my anxiety and my ADHD, but knowing that I’m neurodivergent has helped me to accept myself as I am and not feel ashamed like I used to.

But, best of all, I’ve fallen in love with the law all over again. My job helps me to raise awareness and improve education around mental health and wellbeing. I’m also helping employers manage both in the workplace. I get to challenge the 'glamorisation' of overworking and, as a founder of my own law firm, I put mental health, wellbeing and neurodiversity at the forefront of everything we do.

I now have a team of 18 at my law firm, and I train lawyers and companies worldwide on how to spot the signs of stress and burnout. I’ve also created an interactive journal called Thriving At Life to help others practise self-awareness.

I still have bad days when I’m feeling tired and overwhelmed, but I can manage them much more easily – without the feeling of guilt or being judged. I wanted to share my story so that others don’t end up in the same dark place I was.

Read more about ADHD and anxiety:

• Living with undiagnosed ADHD felt like I was always chasing my tail (Yahoo Life UK, 8-min read)

• The most common mental health conditions – and where to get help (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)

• 5 ways to cope with symptoms of midlife anxiety (Yahoo Life UK, 4-min read)