5 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying

In the life of your child, you easily exchange thousands of words every day, or at the very least every week. And while many of these conversations may seem normal and even fairly inconsequential, there are many ordinary phrases that may actually be harming your child’s overall wellbeing and development.

Ahead, we share the phrases that you, as a parent or grandparent, might be saying that may be surprisingly detrimental. Plus, why these common statements may negatively impact your kids.

Related: 12 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to an Oldest Child

Impacting a Child’s Development

Simply put, parents create the environment in which children grow and thrive, as licensed child psychologist Dr. Caroline Danda says. “The environment consists of modeling and sharing values and beliefs, setting boundaries and offering guidance toward independence,” she adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Bren shares that there are practically infinite ways that parents, and grandparents, can impact their child or grandchild’s development. In addition to the environment, this can include your ability to attune to your child’s emotional and physical needs, the feedback and guidance you give them, and your ability to be a secure base and safe attachment figure, as she says.

“Parents are constantly shaping their child's developmental trajectory both directly and indirectly,” she explains, adding that similarly, grandparents can also play a significant role in a child's development, whether a grandparent is regularly taking on the role of a primary caregiver, seeing them from time to time or simply in the way they support the child’s parent.

Related: 12 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Stop Saying to a Youngest Child

5 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Avoid Saying

1. “Perfect.”

Dr. Danda says that people frequently reply with “perfect” when things go according to plan. “However, using the term ‘perfect’ can promote the notion that perfection is attainable and expected,” she notes, when it’s said to a child.

Instead of saying “perfect,” she recommends saying, “That works, thanks,” or “Job well done.”

2. “It’s not a big deal.”

Saying this phrase, or similarly, “You’ll get over it,” is not a great thing to say when your child or teen is melting down, as Dr. Danda says, since it is indeed a big deal to them.

“Kids and teens don’t have the wisdom of parents or grandparents,” she explains. “Validate feelings first and listen so kids, and especially teens, can express and feel their emotions. It’s easier to move through a highly-charged situation when you feel someone understands.”

3. “Here’s what you should do.”

This phrase lies in the category of what Dr. Danda calls “unilateral decision-making,” and it can accidentally undermine a child or teen’s confidence or independence. She adds that using the word “should” can unwittingly lead to feelings of shame, as if they should have already known and done better.

Dr. Danda points to one alternative: “I have some ideas if you’d like to hear them.”

“This allows parents to save their breath if kids aren’t ready to listen,” she continues. “At the same time, kids will know their parents are available for support and have ideas.”

Another way to handle this, according to Dr. Danda? You can start a conversation with, “I’m curious about your thoughts on this,” or sum up the situation in a way that might lead to a solution.

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4. “How was your day?”

In general, Dr. Danda says that the only response you’ll get to this question is “fine,” and they’ll get annoyed if you ask more questions.

“It’s important to remember that they are transitioning out of a long, demanding and stimulating day, and asking them to reflect and generate responses to your questions may be overwhelming to them, leading them to shut down,” Dr. Bren further points out.

Instead, Dr. Danda offers up these phrases: “Happy you’re home,” “Glad you’re back,” or “I’m happy to see your smiling face.”

“Parents can also make observations about something they know occurred,” she suggests. “For example, ‘I hope your test went well. I know you studied hard for that,’ or ‘What a beautiful day today. I hope you had fun at recess.’”

5. “What’s your plan for college?”

“Particularly in high-achieving regions, this is a go-to question,” Dr. Danda says. “Not every student decides or needs to go to college immediately after high school. Some kids need more time to mature and explore their interests. Others excel in trades or other jobs.”

She says that a better question to ask is, “What are your plans after you graduate?”

Related: 13 Things Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to a Middle Child

A Good Reminder

Parents and grandparents aren’t perfect. In her practice, Dr. Bren says that she reminds parents that it’s “totally OK” if you have said or still say some of these “wrong” phrases.

“If you say something you really wish you hadn’t, you can always go back and say it again in a different way,” she shares. “And, hopefully, there will be a million chances to do it over again because raising children is about how we show up in the aggregate and not about getting things perfect in every single moment.”

Up Next:

Related: 11 Things a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Doing

Sources

• Dr. Caroline Danda, licensed child psychologist

• Dr. Sarah Bren, clinical psychologist