12 of the Best 'I Statements' To Use in Arguments, According to Psychologists
The old cliche goes, "There's no 'I' in team." There's no "I" in argument, either. However, psychologists share that using "I statements" during tense discussions can be incredibly effective—and diplomatic.
"The term 'I statement' refers to a communication technique that expresses thoughts, feelings and needs assertively rather than aggressively," says Dr. Kamran Eshtehardi, Ph.D., a California-based clinical psychologist. "I statements typically begin with the word 'I' and focus on the speaker's own experience."
In an attempt to state your case and focus on why your way may benefit one or more people, you may be tempted to use the word "you." Starting a sentence with "I" might even feel unnatural.
Experts share 12 "I statements" to use in arguments at work and in your personal life. With some practice, they'll roll right off the tongue.
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What Is an 'I Statement'? How To Use Them Accurately and Effectively in an Argument
An "I statement" comes from the speaker's POV. "I statements are those in which we come at something that bothers us from your own point of view to express our reality," says Dr. Kelsey Latimer, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and founder and owner of KML Psychological Services. "It is not intended to push someone else down."
What Is an I-Statement Example?
Dr. Eshtehardi says that a good "I statement" has two main parts: the feeling, thought or need, and the observation. For example, you might say, "I feel frustrated when you walk away while I'm talking."
"The feeling is frustration, and the observation is that the recipient walks away while the speaker is talking," Dr. Eshtehardi explains. "I statements can also touch on why the speaker feels a particular way, as well as what they'd like to see instead."
What Is an 'I Statement' vs. a 'You Statement' in an Argument?
Let's state the obvious: An "I statement" starts with "I," while a "you statement" starts with "you." Experts say the distinction is deeper, though.
"An 'I statement' expresses the speaker's feelings and needs, while a 'you statement' highlights how the speaker views the listener and places blame on them with assumptions and projections," says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry. "'I statements' show personal accountability because the speaker is taking responsibility for their emotions by acknowledging and understanding them."
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Best 'I Statements' To Use in the Workplace
1. "I feel frustrated that you missed the project deadline."
You outlined all the deadlines in Asana or Trello, did your share and your colleague totally whiffed on the deadline. It's a sticky situation, and you're right to feel frustrated. Although there's an urge to point fingers—particularly if everything was laid out like clean laundry—Dr. Schiff says this phrase is more professional.
"It helps raise a challenging conversation with an issue you need to address, but without causing your colleague to feel blamed or under attack," Dr. Schiff explains.
2. "I feel frustrated when deadlines are not communicated clearly because it affects my ability to plan my work effectively."
Apparently, you missed a deadline. The problem: You were not informed of the deadline, or perhaps something got dropped on you at the last minute when the email thread forwarded your way clearly shows it's been in the works for weeks.
Dr. Eshtehardi says this phrase helps you air your feelings without escalating the issue. "This example includes the feeling, the observation and the why," Dr. Eshtehardi says. "The feeling of frustration is workplace-appropriate, and the 'I statement,' overall, is relevant to the person's job."
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3. "The next time, I would like you to give me credit for the things I contributed."
Did a spotlight-hogging colleague "accidentally" neglect to mention the crucial role you played in a significant project? If so, Dr. Latimer suggests bringing up an action item like you would at the end of a meeting.
"This is an example of requesting credit and showing what is important to you to your coworkers. Let them know what you need next time."
That being said, it may very well have been an accident. Dr. Latmier recommends getting the dialogue going by expressing your feelings using an additional 'I statement' to soften the blow: "I felt pretty upset and thought you might be taking credit for my work when you didn't credit me for what I contributed to the project." It's non-accusatory but lets you share your feelings.
4. "I feel excluded when you don't include me in emails about our presentation."
Even "Team Inbox Zero" members want to be "looped in for visibility" on items about their jobs. If you find yourself in and out of the loop (and email chain), Dr. Schiff suggests this comment.
"This is a way to express feeling left out and encourages your colleague to include you moving forward without explicitly blaming them," Dr. Schiff says. "It helps you get your point across without causing them to shut down."
5. "I feel overwhelmed when given multiple tasks simultaneously because it makes it challenging to prioritize and meet expectations."
Are tasks flying in like French fries in a high school cafeteria food fight? Many of us have been there and done that (in high school and at work). Having an overflowing plate at work can feel overwhelming. Talking about your issues with a boss can nix workplace burnout before it starts.
"This example can be seen as more vulnerable...because it touches on the speaker's capacity to take on multiple tasks," Dr. Eshtehardi says. "It's important, even in the workplace, to be honest about our capacities and not establish or maintain unrealistic expectations."
6. "I feel discouraged by the lack of growth and movement in my role at this company."
Dr. Schiff says this phrase communicates concerns about the lack of upward mobility or raises, sans threats and/or ultimatums. "Hopefully, it opens up the dialogue to address your concern," Dr. Schiff says.
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Best 'I Phrases' To Use in Your Personal Life
1. "I feel hurt when plans are changed at the last minute without discussion because it makes me feel disregarded."
Over flakes? Try this winning phrase from Dr. Eshtehardi. "Here, we're talking about emotional hurt, which conveys a deeper level of vulnerability and that is connected to the interpersonal dynamic of feeling disregarded," Dr. Eshtehardi says.
2. "I feel hurt when you come late to our lunch dates."
Your friend or loved one doesn't cancel last minute, but their "showing up" version means being "fashionably late." You don't find it all that stylish. Dr. Schiff suggests using this phrase.
"This lets them know how you feel without putting them on the defensive for showing up late," Dr. Schiff says.
3. "I get anxious when you don't tell me you're running late."
As an alternative to the one above, this recommended phrase from Dr. Schiff is more specific about how a person's tardiness makes you feel. Best of all, it avoids finger-pointing or blaming language.
4. "I feel very upset when you critique my food choices at the holiday dinner table, and it makes me think that you don't accept me."
Whether it's the holiday dinner table or a standing Sunday night pasta date, it can hurt like heck when a loved one picks apart your food choices. "Food talk can be toxic and all too common," Dr. Latimer says.
This phrase sets the table for important boundaries, Dr. Latimer explains. Dr. Latimer advises people to follow the statement with, "I would like us to work on our relationship, and I would prefer you stop commenting on my food choices altogether."
5. "I need more support when I'm going through a tough time, as it helps me cope with challenges."
Feeling alone or like someone ghosted you at the worst time? Dr. Eshtehardi loves this statement.
"Here, a need is being expressed, which suggests that the speaker is not getting enough support," Dr. Eshtehardi says. "The goal here is to focus on the speaker's desire for more support without arguing about whether the recipient is withholding support or being unsupportive."
6. "I feel upset when I perceive that my boundaries are being disregarded because it's important for me to feel secure in our relationship."
You did the work and set boundaries, but the other person is blowing by them. Address the behavior with this Dr. Eshtehardi-recomended "I statement."
"The observation is not strictly concrete, but it contains an element of interpretation, namely that their boundaries are being disregarded, " Dr. Eshtehardi says. "That can work because the idea that it's an interpretation is acknowledged in the words."
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What 'I Statements' Should You Never Use in Arguments?
Avoid using "I statements" that masquerade as "you statements." "It may start with the word 'I' but have the same meaning and message as a 'you-statement' accusation, like, 'I feel like you are rude and nasty,'" Dr.Schiff says.
Dr. Eshtehardi agrees. Take, "I feel like you always do this." "This statement may sound like an 'I statement,' but it places blame and implies a negative behavior is consistent and possibly intentional," Dr. Latimer says. "It can lead to defensiveness and escalation." That's the opposite of what you want when you're trying to turn down the temperature in a heated moment.
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