11 Qualities of a Good Man That Truly Set Him Apart, According to Relationship Psychologists
"It's so hard to find a good man these days."
It's a common refrain muttered over brunch with friends, in text messages, and to yourself after another seemingly great guy turns into a ghost. It may have you deciding that you no longer believe in a thing called love—let alone that a quality man is out there.
Take it from a relationship psychologist: "[Good men] are definitely out there if you know what to look for," says Dr. Linda Simmons, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in relationships, self-esteem and coping skills with Thriveworks, about qualities of a good man. "Once you find him, reinforce that goodness in every way you can."
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That said, dating can feel like the Wild West these days. How can you know a good man when you've found one? Relationship therapists share 11 green flags that a good man has—AKA great traits and attributes that truly set him apart from the other fish in the sea.
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11 Characteristics of a Good Man
1. Empathy
Empathy is a sign of emotional maturity.
"The ability to show empathy suggests that people can think of others before themselves and show care and concern," says Dr. Susan Trotter, Ph.D., a relationship coach. "In the context of a dating relationship, a man who can be empathic will make you feel cared for and understood."
For example, if you had a hard day at work, Dr. Trotter says an empathetic man would express concern, ask questions to understand the situation and see how he can help rather than tell you the whole thing sounds like no big deal.
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2. He engaged in whole personal development
A good man isn't just a gym rat or someone with stellar hygiene. Instead, he takes a holistic approach to health.
"A good man invests in himself, working to build his character, spiritual life, physical and mental health," Dr. Simmons says. "He does this through his own initiative, not because someone else pressures him...A good man realizes he must be his best to give his best."
Dr. Simmons says this involves eating well, engaging in physical activity and spiritual reflection and seeing a therapist should he have signs of anxiety or depression.
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3. He doesn't run from problems
Since he's engaged in whole-personal development, a good man is better equipped to tackle problems instead of looking for a getaway car.
"A good man knows that even though he may not enjoy adversity, it builds character and perseverance that strengthen him for a life of depth and meaning," Dr. Simmons explains.
For instance, say an unexpected medical bill arises.
"We all know how expensive it is to get good health care," Dr. Simmons says. "A good man dives into the budget to see where cuts can be made. Those cuts may be things he personally enjoys. He is willing to work some overtime or even get a temporary part-time job to make ends meet."
4. Honesty
Trust is a hallmark of a healthy relationship.
"When people are honest, you know where they stand and what you can expect," Dr. Trotter says. "It also allows for more openness and vulnerability and engenders more trust."
A good man earns trust by being consistently upfront.
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5. Kindness
Kindness is free, but it can feel like it comes at a premium unless you're new to this world. However, a good man is kind to you and those around him.
"A good example is seeing how they treat people like the server at a restaurant in the early stages of dating someone," Dr. Trotter says. "Paying attention to how they treat you and how they may you feel is particularly important. Respect is similar to kindness in these regards."
6. Consistency
Life with this man isn't a rollercoaster.
"You want a man who is consistent in how they present," Dr. Trotter says. "With consistency, you get a good sense of who they are and what to expect. That helps to create a safe place for you to further develop the relationship."
7. Patience
Love is patient, and so is a good man.
"Some people can make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells," Dr. Trotter says. "A man with patience won’t make you feel that way. They may express frustration but do it in a way that is modulated and doesn’t make you feel bad."
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8. He builds up others
A good man spreads his light.
"He encourages the strengths and abilities of others and supports others in their areas of weakness," Dr. Simmons says. "He takes joy in the achievements of others, and he’s their biggest cheerleader."
For instance, Dr. Simmons says a good man will be the first person to tell a partner to go back to school and get a degree so they can score their dream job. Then, they'll perform actions that speak louder than words.
"He’ll help make it happen by babysitting the kids, fixing dinner and doing the laundry so she can study," Dr. Simmons says, adding that he won't complain.
9. He's accountable
He doesn't have the bandwidth for the blame game because he's too busy looking in the mirror (and not because he's admiring his good looks).
"A good man is willing to...acknowledge his own mistakes and weaknesses," Dr. Simmons says. "He is willing to take responsibility for his shortcomings and doesn’t waste time acknowledging them and working to make amends when needed."
10. Authenticity
What you see is what you get.
"A good man is authentic and genuine," Dr. Simmons says. "There are no masks or pretenses to please others or gain favor."
Authenticity means that he's unafraid to appear vulnerable, ask for help, cry at the end of a movie, or share his opinions even if others disagree.
Notably, he still treats others respectfully, even if he disagrees with them.
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11. Good communication skills
Communication is the heartbeat of a solid relationship.
"It is important to be able to express not just positive feelings but also be able to communicate well when conflict arises," Dr. Trotter says.
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Ways To Appreciate a Good Man
1. Tell them
Simple enough, right? Yet—in the age of elaborate marriage and even prom-date proposals that play out in social media posts—we forget a verbal show of appreciation can mean the world.
"This is positive reinforcement and will actually help to elicit more of those positive behaviors you like in them," Dr. Trotter says.
Dr. Trotter recommends being direct and specific about the qualities you appreciate and how it makes you feel.
2. Take a genuine interest in his needs
A good man is tuned into the needs of others. However, it's important to put his at the forefront, too.
"Fulfilling your love’s needs should feel like it’s lighting your fire as much as it is theirs," says Dr. Stevie Stanford, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and sex therapist at Driftwood Recovery. "It’s about giving out of true generosity and true desire to make sure your person feels loved and seen and not about giving the 'love language' that suits you best. It’s about knowing your person and what lands as love them."
For one man, this might mean filling his tank with gas when you notice it's running low. For another, it might mean filling his cup with plenty of cuddle time after a long week at work.
3. Give him space
When you find a good man, you want to keep him around. However, that involves letting him have some solo time for self-care.
"A good man needs time to himself, freely given, to enable him to develop those qualities that make him good," Dr. Simmons says.
For instance, you might say, “I heard from Sue that some of the guys in the neighborhood are going on a fishing trip this weekend. I know we’d planned on taking the kids to the zoo, but you need time with your friends. I know friendship is important. I’ll take the kids myself this time while you have some time away."
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Expert Sources
Dr. Linda Simmons, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in relationships, self-esteem and coping skills with Thriveworks
Dr. Susan Trotter, Ph.D., a relationship coach
Dr. Stevie Stanford, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and sex therapist at Driftwood Recovery