Yahoo Lifestyle 10 Phrases To Avoid With Your Adult Kids To Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
"The days are long, but the years are short," the old cliché in parenting circles explains. You may be feeling this right now. It may seem like you were cooing at your newborn just yesterday, though the days—and nights—may have seemed never-ending during that period. Yet, now, they've flown the coop. The extra room isn't the only thing for parents and caregivers that's different as a child becomes an adult.
"As children mature into adults, communication with them must adapt by emphasizing mutual respect and acknowledging their independence," says Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services. "Parents should consider transitioning from decision-makers to supportive advisors, offering input when invited. This involves moving from directive to collaborative dialogue, respecting their autonomy and refraining from giving unsolicited advice."
It also doesn't involve these 10 phrases that psychologists recommend avoiding with adult children if you want to improve your relationships.
Related: Parents Who Aren't Close With Their Adult Kids Often Have These 12 Traits, Psychologists Say
10 Phrases To Avoid With Your Adult Children, According to Psychologists
1. "You should have done it this way."
Remember, you're an advisor now, not a boss (and certainly not a monarch).
"This phrase can come across as critical or judgmental, implying that their decision-making isn't good enough," Dr. Frank says. "It can undermine their confidence and make them feel like they need approval to make choices."
2. "Are you sure you want to do that?"
This one can be interpreted as the verbal equivalent of noticing that the person in your passenger seat is pumping the brakes for you.
"This type of communication keeps the parent in the expert role and plants seeds of doubt or insecurity in the adult child," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "This statement implies that the child does not know what is best for themselves or is making the wrong decision."
Dr. Goldman adds that this phrase can foster self-doubt while potentially alienating the adult child from the parent.
Related: The One Simple Step To Take for a Better Relationship with Your Adult Kids, According to Psychologists
3. "You really should be more like..."
Again, with the "shoulds." This one can stow a (not-so) special kind of self-doubt and resentment.
"Parents need to be careful with this type of communication because it suggests that the child—even an adult child—should be doing better, is underperforming, is not as successful [and] is a disappointment," Dr. Goldman says. "This focuses on what the child is not doing or where they fall short instead of focusing on how to encourage, support or praise."
4. "When are you going to settle down?"
This question is a dreaded one around the holidays, but it doesn't feel great to be asked it at any time of the year.
"This question can feel like pressure, especially if they are navigating life at their own pace," Dr. Frank says. "It might also imply judgment about their current choices."
5. “I told you so.”
People generally don't like hearing this phrase from anyone, but it can especially sting coming from a parent.
"This is...demeaning...especially if it is a parent talking to their adult child," Dr. Goldman explains. "It brings about a sense of shame and embarrassment to the child and can make them feel small or belittled. Even if the parent was correct, this statement does not help the child and only makes them feel worse, even if it does boost the ego of the parent."
(PS: Dr. Goldman says, "You should have known better" is no better.")
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
6. "It was harder for me when I was your age."
See also: "You don’t have anything to complain about."
"Not everything needs to be a competition between who had it worse and who had it better," Dr. Goldman says. "Even if it was more difficult for the parent, saying the child has nothing to complain about invalidates the experience the adult child is having. It invalidates the stress they feel and implies that the parent is not someone who can be supportive without judgment."
7. "That's not how we did it in my day."
Whether you're talking about walking 40 miles to school in the snow, parenting, living with a partner while unmarried or any number of life choices, you'll want to take a beat before uttering this one. While you're taking it, consider not saying it at all.
"This phrase minimizes their experiences and signals a lack of openness to change or understanding of modern challenges," Dr. Frank explains.
8. "I did everything in order for you to have more."
Real talk: Own your choices.
"This type of communication increases feelings of guilt or a lack of gratitude in the adult child," Dr. Goldman says. "Usually, the adult child is aware that the parent made choices or sacrifices for them to have more, but hearing the statement is alienating, not encouraging."
Dr. Goldman adds that this phrase can also keep an adult child on the toxic hamster wheel of hustle and achievement culture, which no one deserves to be on.
"This statement can also imply that the child needs to keep doing more or do better because they were granted opportunities that previous generations did not have," she says. "It places pressure on the adult child in ways that might feel burdensome and suffocating."
Related: 9 Outdated Relationship Dynamics Family Therapists Are Begging Parents To Stop Doing With Their Adult Kids
9. "You'll understand when you're older."
This phrase can come off as demeaning, especially to a fellow grown-up with life experience.
"This phrase feels dismissive and assumes they're incapable of understanding here and now," Dr. Frank says. "It can shut down meaningful conversations and create distance."
10. "I’m done talking about this."
Actually, be "done" using this sentence.
"A parent who shuts down the conversation with harshness implies that they are not open and do not want to hear what their adult child has to say," Dr. Goldman says. "This is a clear boundary that implies the topic is closed for discussion."
Of course, limits are essential, but sometimes what you say matters more than how you say it.
"While boundaries are healthy in relationships, this type of style of setting a limit is harsher than necessary and can negatively impact the chances of having an open and honest dialogue and/or relationship with an adult child," Dr. Goldman says. "There are other ways to assert and maintain boundaries that are kind and firm."
For instance, "I love and respect you, so I'd prefer not to discuss politics, as we see things differently. Could you pass the potatoes, please?"
Related: The 2 Most Obvious Signs of an Unhealthy Parent-Adult-Child Relationship
5 Tips for Improving Your Relationship With an Adult Child
1. Respect their independence
This one can be a struggle but is at the heart of many poor word choices.
"As adults, your children want to feel capable and self-sufficient," Dr. Frank says. "Overstepping boundaries or offering unsolicited advice can feel like undermining their autonomy, which can lead to conflict or distance in the relationship."
Dr. Frank recommends asking questions like: "Would you like my perspective on this?"
And if they decline, you should respect their decision.
2. Know you can avoid the "friend zone"
There is a misconception that parents and adult children become friends. While that may be true for some people, it's OK if it doesn't apply to you.
"Not every relationship between parents and adult children needs to look like friendship or one where there is equal distribution in the relationship," Dr. Goldman says. "Culturally, it might still be quite important that there is a hierarchy in a relationship even though all parties are adults."
Dr. Goldman says that ensuring the relationship consists of mutual respect is important.
Related: Why Apologizing to Your Kids Is Important—Plus, Therapists Explain How To Do It Effectively
3. Focus on actively listening to an adult child
Genuinely listening can help you avoid foot-in-mouth moments.
"Listening is one of the most important skills to have to be a good communicator," Dr. Goldman says. "It’s not just in the words the person is saying, but in their tone, body language and facial expressions. Don’t make assumptions about body language or tone, but truly listen to the entire message and how it’s being delivered. Get to know your child’s subtle ways of communicating."
4. Ask open-ended questions and validate their feelings
When it is your turn to talk, consider asking a question. Dr. Goldman says asking an open-ended question will involve more than a one-word answer and keep the conversation flowing.
"Try to ask questions that increase the likelihood that the adult child will need to expand and answer more fully than a few short words," she says. "This can be a skill and takes some practice but usually enhances dialogue when done correctly."
It doesn't even have to be a question. For instance, Dr. Goldman says, "Tell me about your day," which usually prompts a longer answer than "How was your day?" (Spoiler alert: "Fine.").
5. Ask them how you can best be of support
One of the best questions to ask is, "How can I help you?" It's certainly better than launching into problem-solving or advice-giving mode (however well-intentioned).
"With adult children, asking, 'How can I best be a support to you?' is a wonderful way of communicating, 'I’m here; just tell me what you need,'" Dr. Goldman says. "Adult children might need a very different type of support, but allow them to share what that support is."
For instance, an adult child may want a listening ear rather than advice.
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Sources
Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services
Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
