Yahoo Lifestyle Mr As If
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Your checklist might go like this: “Handsome. Smart. Hilarious. Likes his mum (but not too much). Makes good money. Tallish.”
It’s Ryan Gosling in point form – and IRL men find it hard to compete. While we put our Barbie and Ken dolls away ages ago, the soulmate idea still looms large. “I’ve seen many women who are fixated on finding Mr Right,” says clinical psychologist Dr Jennifer Taitz.
Thanks to the princess stories we were fed along with our Tiny Teddies – and the Notebook-like films that came later – the idea that Mr Perfect is out there has taken root. Now, as an adult, you may believe you’ve outgrown the Pocahontas tales but, just as you’ll always have a fondness for bear-shaped bickies, it’s hard to let go of the notion that The One is out there.
Taitz says that for a large proportion of women who seek therapy for relationship issues, this is a major reason for their troubles. “And the problem with looking for the perfect mate is there’s no such thing,” she says.
Even women in long-term relationships are affected by the girl-meets-ideal-boy dream – a recent study published in Mass Communication and Society found that married women who believed in TV portrayals of relationships tended to be less committed to their own pairings and saw alternative partners as more attractive.
It’s not about “settling”
Sadly, women can feel like they’re settling even when they’re with a loving dude. Unless a man is some sort of Daniel Craig/Channing Tatum mash-up, you reckon you could do better. If butterflies aren’t breakdancing in your gut when he’s around, or if he’s a morning person and you’re not, you’re convinced he isn’t The One.
Our modern dating ways – online hook-ups, and even Facebook’s involvement – may be making our intolerance for warts-and-all blokes even worse.
The possibility to connect with thousands of potential partners beyond your own town means we feel like there’s always a better prospect around the corner (even on the other side of the globe), says psychoanalyst Dr Susan Kolod. Plus, it’s easier for people to remove their proverbial warts when they present themselves online, so you’ve got images of seemingly perfect blokes and couplings in your face all the time.
Mr Real or Mr Right?
The Mr Right fantasy isn’t just about holding out for excellence, says Kolod, who explains that it can also be used as an excuse to avoid intimacy. Relationships are messy, difficult and scary; they require vulnerability, a loss of control and plenty of hard yakka. So if we focus on an unattainable ideal, we have a ready-made excuse for not putting in the work.
The point, however, isn’t to give up what’s important to you or to be with a man you’re not attracted to. It’s to be with someone who fits you, personally, rather than some catch-all paragon of manhood (aka Mr Gosling). What you should look for is a mate who shares your values, says Taitz.
If you have an anything-goes attitude about sex, a bloke who considers handcuffs out of bounds probably won’t cut it. If you’re fiercely independent, don’t try to make it work with someone who needs you nearby at all times. And if you want kids, your partner should too. Try making one list of requirements and another of preferences, suggests Taitz. You might want a tall guy but need one who loves dogs.
Happy endings are real…
Proof: Christine*. When she was in high-school, she wanted a big, strong, daring, Superman-like guy. “Somebody who’d be a protector,” she says. She began dating a heroic fella who fit her checklist to a tee. But it didn’t turn out to be the movie-perfect relationship she’d always dreamt of. He was strong and gorgeous, sure, but he was also uninterested in sharing his thoughts and feelings or learning hers. Her supposed ideal was someone she didn’t really like.
After they broke up, she met someone new. This guy “wasn’t who I’d go for on paper,” she says, “but, in person, he was so exciting”. They married six years after they started dating, and Christine is still love-struck. “The value of the relationship is in the fact that it isn’t perfect,” she says.
