Nothing says, "I love you" like a barney. According to a study of 192 couples over 17 years by the University of Michigan in the US, couples who fight live longer.



Researchers purport that suppressing your feelings ups your risk of an early death. So, it's OK to argue. Problem is, says psychologist Dr John Gottman, couples get it wrong when they enlist what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. Want to live a long and happy life - together? Avoid these sayings and fight the good fight.

1. "I give up"

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in a relationship? "I often ask this of couples who are stuck in intractable positions," says psychologist Dr Robin Smith, author of Lies at The Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages. "They almost always say, 'We want a relationship'." Dr Gottman's research into what makes a marriage last found a key predictor is whether you're open to your partner's influence. Not to their control, but to their input. Example: he says peach is a bad choice for the nursery. Please, listen to him.

2. "You didn't used to be like this"

Sure, he once opened beer bottles with his toes and danced to Smooth Criminal on tables. But people change. "This is a destructive - not constructive - argument; your partner will feel attacked and will likely retaliate," says WH relationships expert Dr Traci Coventry. If you need to comment on a change in his attitude, use "I" (positive) language rather than "you" (negative) language. For example, "I'm feeling that you don't want to go out anymore - can we talk about it?"

3. "But Dr Phil/Oprah/Tyra said..."'''

Cue eye roll. "It's a bit patronising, like he's a student without a clue and you're playing teacher," says relationship counsellor Eric Hudson. Besides, the only opinions that count are yours and his. Oh, and maybe the WH experts'.

4. "Aren't you going to say sorry?"

Yeah, you may get an apology. But it's like getting flowers when you've asked for them - not quite the same. "If you demand an apology you'll never know if he is actually sorry," says Dr Coventry. "By saying this, you're also assuming he's at fault. Usually, in a heated argument, both parties are equally to blame for any hurtful words. If he is at fault, give him time to think and respond/grovel in his own way."

5. "This is just like the time you..."

"Unless it's relevant to the current issue, don't dredge up old arguments," advises couples counsellor Natalie Rinehart, author of The Organics of Relationships. "Once things have been sorted they should be locked away and left alone. If the issue comes up again - like housework - it may need to be renegotiated." If you're getting off track, call a time-out until you're both calm and can refocus on key points.

6. "I don't understand what the big deal is"

Of course you don't. You don't think the same way. He thinks Pilates is someone from the Bible. But you don't need to say it in a fight. Instead, try, "I did not intend for my actions to make you feel this way. What can we do about it to make you feel better?" suggests Rinehart.

7. (Nothing) The silent treatment.

It's about as effective as giving stimulus package payments to dead people - it doesn't lead to a solution. "Stonewalling is classic passive aggressive behaviour," explains Rinehart. "It's a power thing that keeps your partner in a holding pattern, because he can't get closer to solving the problem until you want to." So snap out of it - stop sulking and start talking.

8. "I hate you"

Never, ever, drop the H-bomb. You can't take it back, warns Rinehart. "I see a new relationship like a shiny sphere: it's so beautiful you can't take your eyes off it. As time goes by, it gets dings in it, making it less shiny." The word "hate" is a dent that's hard to buff.

9. "F*ck you"

Don't ever drop the F word either. Your partner may put up a defence so high, a Russian pole-vaulter couldn't get over it. "It's like throwing petrol on an open flame - it will make the fight escalate, rather than lead to a positive outcome," says Hudson.

10 "You're acting just like my ex"

"On par with, 'you're just like your mother'," says Rinehart. It's a no-no to compare your partner with anyone - exes, porn stars, the guy from the iiNet ads. "Maybe he's heard your derogatory comments about the ex before. This is one of the red flags described by Dr Gottman: criticism," says Hudson. If you have to criticise, save it for his cooking.