Women's Health

“When it comes to love there’s no point trying to convince anybody about anything”

Sexual anthropologist and relationships columnist Dr Bella Ellwood-Clayton, 32

Relationship status: Married for 3 years to Stephen, and has a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old

On her work
“I’ve come to see that making a marriage work involves rejecting the idea that love is going to be passionate, glamorous and sensuous all the time. If it’s like that a little bit of the time, we’re lucky. I’ve also found from letters and emails about love problems that there are an enormous amount of good men looking for a woman to love.”

On her own relationship
There was some trial and error before Dr Ellwood-Clayton found a man to have a solid relationship with, at the age of 29. “In my early 20s, I spent a lot of time convincing boyfriends they wanted to commit to me. When it comes to love there’s no point trying to convince anybody about anything. If you’re miserable, move on. Love is not pain.” One thing that plays a key role in her approach to successful relationships is a hearty dose of realism. “I never feel pressure to have a perfect relationship. There’s no such thing. But, loyalty, communication and keeping the sexual bond vibrant are key ingredients to longevity.”

On keeping your bond strong
“We don’t argue often. My partner’s very easy going and seems to only get upset every six months or so. Because it’s so rare, I take what he has to say. Often just feeling heard is enough to dismantle the situation. You’ve got to be a team, support each other’s goals and do the everyday hard work necessary for dreams to manifest.”

Jan 31, 2012