Send your questions for Jacqueline Hellyer here
He's dreaming
My boyfriend just revealed a fantasy that freaked me out. What should I do?CF, Currumbin, Qld
Sex is like food - there's a smorgasbord of possibilities and we'll like some options and be repulsed by others. If the fantasy's one your boyfriend's happy to keep in his head rather than acting it out, that could be fine. But if it's something he wants to try, definitely tell him you're not into it. If you were vego you wouldn't eat meat to please him, so don't do anything sexual that freaks you out.
Career low
My husband's stressed at work and he can't get an erection. Solution, please!SS, Prahran, Vic
Create an environment that makes sex relaxing. Be gentle with him and give him time to relax. Shower him with cuddles and kisses, play soft music, massage his face, cup his balls in your hands. If he doesn't manage an erection, let him know that's OK. Frustrating as it is for you, if it's stress-related, his erection will improve when the stress goes.
Bringing sex back
I'm ready to get back in the saddle after divorce. How do I get confident about having sex with someone new?MB, St Ives, NSW
As one of my clients in this situation said: "I feel like an experienced virgin!" So yes, you'll probably find the first time most intimidating. Make sure it's comfortable - choose someone nice enough to help you through the "first time" (be upfront about it, he'll be flattered). Keep your expectations low (you may not orgasm) and enjoy the experience of discovering a new body.
Sleeping snooty
Q: I can't sleep next to someone else. If I want to shack up with a guy, how do I get over it?
BC, Carlton, Vic
A: A few simple strategies can help. Firstly, establish sleeping routines that vary minimally from your normal pattern. This will reduce any negative impact of sharing a bed on your body's sleep cycle. Next, find a bed that minimises the sensation of movement between partners, and choose bedding that suits both your temperature preferences.
The ex files
Q: My ex just contacted me after three years - and he's changed. It's giving me second thoughts about my current partner. What to do?
JR, North Sydney, NSW
A: Has he really changed, or are you seeing him at his "I'll show her what she's missing" best? Think about why you broke up - you may find those issues still exist. If he truly does seem to be a new man, you need to consider if it's worth risking what you have with your current man. Remember: no man can live up to a fantasy.
Crying game
Q: My husband cried the other day and I had no idea what to do. I'd never seen a man cry!
GS, Hobart, Tas
A: If you've been together for some time and he's never cried before, it's likely that extreme emotional stress caused his tears. While men are often less likely to discuss emotions, both sexes are subject to the same stressors, and both need empathy, reassurance and a chance to talk. Your marriage will benefit from you reaching out to him when he's hurting.
Speed thrills
Q: My partner and I can't get our sessions under one hour. He refuses to come till I do. How do we speed things up?
AB, Dulwich, SA
A: You've got two options: skip your orgasm, or come quicker. The former is fine in the shower before work, but in the bedroom you probably want the orgasm. Turn off your brain so you can let go; if you want to bring on the big-O super-fast, take matters into your own hands. Do whatever works when you're on your own. And if it still takes an hour, who cares?
Treasure chest
Q: Before breastfeeding, I loved having my breasts touched. Not anymore. Will they ever be erogenous again?
JL, Red Hill, Qld
A: Definitely - if you let them! It's pretty common for women not to like their breasts being touched sexually during the breastfeeding phase (or after). They can feel over-full and have a tendency to behave like a shaken coke can. At first, permit your partner to admire them with his eyes but not his digits. Don't make a big deal about it and when the time's right for you, ask him to (gently) caress your breasts and brush his lips over your nipples. Hopefully, it'll feel so good that you'll want full attention paid to them. Voilà! They're erogenous again.
Your highness
Q: My boyfriend is shorter than me. What positions won't make me feel so Amazonian?
MG, Balmain, NSW
A: To feel physically smaller, try positions where he takes you from behind. Get down low with your head and chest on the bed, or stand up and lean over. Lying on your back clasping your bent legs to your chest or with your legs over his shoulders will also shorten you. To feel less dominant, play around with restraints (let him tie you up) or try role-playing in which you're the submissive one.
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Send your questions for Jacqueline Hellyer here
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